Hey everyone, .. I dont know how to start, but I feel so confused about my sexuality and dont know how to go it. I'm an 18 year old girl and feel so attracted to girls. Recently, I've been watching clips of the L word, and it feels so right to be looking at girls in that way. I've never been asked on a date or ever wanted to ask someone, I'm not into that because I know I'm way too shy and would always be worried about how to act or what impression I'm giving off. I not much of a girlie girl, I'm not into make up; when I look at a girl, my impression is never 'shes so gorgeus.. I wish I was her', rather its 'she's cute'. I dont get turned on by girls stipping off - or guys- but attracted to the romantic side, where it gets sensual. Sex doesnt appeal to me much either; I like getting to know a girl and I'm attracting to how shes acts or the way she laughs or her smile.. sorry if this sounds lame... !! I am into guys, like I'd look at them and think ooh hes gorgeus or he's fit.. but would never imagine wanting to kiss him or date him. I used to fantasise about guys but this past year, I've been more into girls and since I started going to a girls' school, there are some girls are are pretty and make me laugh. Theres one girl in particular that I met and shes a bi, and I'm into her/ Problem is shes not into me. Yesterday, I talked to her online and we were having a laugh, but shes not into me. I told her I think I might fancy her, but told me shes not into that with me. .. you might think shes a cow, but I understand where shes coming from. She has a particular taste in girls, and I'm not the right girl for her. I wouldnt be able to do anything if she was, because my family wouldnt allow it. My friends would think I'm strange because I've never kissed a girl or guy. I feel confused because it feels right to me when I think of girls and I can imagine kissing them; it makes my heart race. When I think of guys, I dont get the same feeling. I dont know what to do about these feelings; yesterday I cried because I cant talk to anyone. Not my family - ever, and my friends wouldnt understand because they've never been into relationships. I feel alone, and can't tihnk of anyone that relates to me. Ah! I wrote an essay!! ^^ :eek: Sorry, I didnt realise I was rambling on so much ...!! Thanks everyone.. x
Hi! The only advice I can give you is to not focus so much on what others would think of your feelings. For me, that's when it stopped being about me and more about them, so I couldn't do what was best for me. That sort of thinking led to all sorts of negative things. So for your own sake, while trying to figure yourself out leave other people's opinions on the subject out of it. This has nothing to do with them, it's about you. When I first started to realize I was a lesbian, I didn't even know the word for it. I just had, like you, day dreams of girls that I saw that were really nice or pretty. I thought about their personalities and how I would love to get to know them, be close to them, more than just how they looked. The only fantasy I had about them "sexually" was kissing and that wasn't often. Because the word "sexuality" has the word sex in it, I used to think that if I was a lesbian then I would be thinking about having sex with girls, which I wasn't at the time. There were also times when I noticed how attractive a guy was and would sometimes have day dreams of kissing them too, but these were even more rare than the girl kissing day dreams. Even now that I'm semi-out I have days where I look at a guy and think "why couldn't I just be with him. He's cute, he's cool. It would be so easy to just date him." But somewhere deep down I just know that's not what I really want. Don't know how, it's just a feeling. I'm also an 18 year old who barely understands this sexuality stuff herself, so please don't take my word for everything. haha I'm only sharing what I felt that is similar to what you're going through now. For my lasting words (because I'm rambling at this point) I think that one day your eyes will just open and you'll know who you are, whether you're happy with it at that moment or not, you'll know. I don't know how else to explain it, some day you just know. Sorry, I'm probably no help at all, don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Later.
Aww, noo you're not rambling; thats so great to know Its great that you're learning and you are brave enough to tell some people 'I think that one day your eyes will just open and you'll know who you are, whether you're happy with it at that moment or not, you'll know.'Yeah I definetly agree with that, because there are some moments where I think, how can I be a lesbian/bi; I'm not into girls in that way. But other times, I get this overwhelming feeling where I want to bang my head against the world and scream it out loud. I hope it just takes time.. and I'll work it out someday.. Thanks, and no, you did help me (*hug*) Xx
