Hi. As the title states, I'm lost... let me explain... I am 21 years old and a mother to a 4 month old little girl. I am in the middle of a nasty divorce, and when I say nasty, I mean restraining order bad. I’m currently living with my VERY conservative mother, step-father, and grandmother. On top of all this, I’m questioning my sexuality. Me and my best friend met in 7th grade. I’ve always felt more for her than friends, but it wasn’t until about Junior year (11th grade) of High School that I realized I was in love with her. I did nothing about it. Senior year I met my now soon to be ex-husband. He was planning on joining the military, tall, muscular, blonde, blue-eyed, dominating, protective… everything I felt a girl is supposed to look for in a man. We got married August of 2010, and I was pregnant soon after. Then things started to change. He became abusive and controlling, but some part of me just went “Well, that’s what men do.” So I dealt with it until my daughter was born. I realized I didn’t want her around that, and left him. While we were together, he figured out my feelings for my best friend and MADE me tell her. She took it well, and now we just ignore that those things were said. He used her against me all the time, espically when I didn’t want to have sex, he would say things like “So you don’t want to have sex with me, your husband, You’d rather f*** _________ (not naming her) instead, you f***ing dyke…” Growing up I never felt like everyone else. My family was just not conducive for me to explore these feelings. Being gay or lesbian was a sin. The one time I tried to talk to my mom, telling her I thought I might be bisexual, her response was “Oh honey, it’s just a phase!” My step-dad calls all my gay friends fags, and my lesbian friends dykes. My grandparents on both sides are bible huggers and preach every time they see me watch something like Rocky Horror! Imagine how telling them about my current confusion would be! Lately I have been thinking more and more about my feelings for my friend, and for women in general. I honestly don’t think I ever truly loved my daughter’s father, just felt like I was supposed to. Here’s the really confusing part. I like sex. As far as men go, I like sex, and playing video games with them, more like friends that have sex than anything else, where with my female friends I feel like I connect so much better, on a much deeper level. I just… I have no one here I can talk to, and I’m so confused. I would love thoughts about my situation. Thanks
First of all take a deep breath and slowly breath out, its going to be ok. Secondly I think you need a few (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)s. You have found a brilliant place in EC, where you will find lots of support and amazing advice. You have had a lot going on so I would like to commend you on being so brave and getting so far. From what you have said I would say you are either gay or bisexual with at least for the moment a stronger preference for women. Discovering or questioning your sexuality can be confusing and frustrating at the best of times. I suggest spending a bit of time chatting to people on EC, asking any questions you have and then people can help and support you. It will get better.
Thanks. I have only told one of my VERY close male friends about this, and he's 100% supportive. I just feel so lost... I'm also kind of scared.... I am so glad I found EC!!! Reading what others have to say has been amazing... and makes me feel a little less alone... I think the one thing I failed to mention before is I live in a super small town... the kind of place where there is still racism... so I think no matter what, I need to get the **** out of here before I will be 100% comfortable with who I am, whoever that may be. Thanks again... (&&&)
You are very welcome. Being in a small unsupportive place is tricky, you can work on becoming more comfortable with who you are here on EC and with your supportive friend and then in the long run when you are in a more supportive place you will be half way there. I think your daughter is very lucky to have such a brave and positive Mother.
It'll be fine; at least you know what you want. You've been through a lot and now you're ready to do something about your sexuality. I think you're amazing, well done for getting so far; you're husband doesnt deserve you. I reckon you're daughter will grow up with such an amazing mother. Dont let anything bring you down. I agree with silverhalo. You have EC which will help you *hugs* x
