Advice on Internet dating if you're still confused about your orientation

You seem pretty sure that you're "not straight." That is, you don't really seem to have any doubts about being attracted to men. You described definite sexual and romantic interest in men. You fantasize about them sexually, and you want a relationship with one.

Rather, your doubts are about whether you are attracted to women. You sometimes think you might be, but you are not sure.

Whether or not you could ever be attracted to a woman, it would certainly be fine for you to date men. I mean, it is arguably nice to know that you are attracted to the specific person you are dating, but there is no reason that confusion about women should stop you from dating men that you know you are interested in.

I don't really know anything about internet dating personally. Some guys have complained that it seems like everyone is just looking to hook up. If you are really looking just for a relationship, and not for hook ups, you might want to make that really clear on your profile.

If you want to, you could probably list yourself as a Kinsey 5 or something somewhere on your profile, which would give the impression that you have some minor or infrequent attractions to women.

Beyond that, you can mention in messages you exchange with guys, that you are still pretty newly out. That will be enough, I think, to prepare them for confusion.

But you don't seem confused to me so much as that you are still clinging to the idea of dating women even though there isn't any real evidence that you want to. That is, some part of you doesn't want to be gay, even though really, you know that you are. Most of us go through that.

(Some people are bisexual, but your post did not seem congruent to me with the way bisexuals describe their sexuality.)

 

I have to agree with Ianthe. I'm not sure why you're still sitting on the fence on this. You've explained that you're really more interested in men than women. You'd prefer a boyfriend than a girlfriend. You're sexually attracted to men, not women.

It would seem to me that you're still not totally OK with being gay. And that's OK. It takse most of us a LONG time to really get comfortable with it. Not because there's anything wrong with being gay, but because we're conditioned by society to think that we should be straight.

So I think you need to decide, before trying the internet dating scene, where you're really at. Are you still 'not sure' or are you really just 'new and a little anxious'? If you're still not sure, then I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish in dating. You'll want to figure that out. If you're new and anxious, let people know that. We've all been there, and it's better to be up front and honest than to pretend we're ready for something that we're not.

I would agree that 'some' internet 'dating' sites are really just hook up sites. You need to be very particular about where you post, and what you post. If you want to take things slow and meet for coffee, then say so. And look for the other guys who are interested in the same thing.

 

Hey I've done a fair bit of online dating. To me online dating allows us to kinda get a feel of the person before we decide to meet them giving us a safe bubble, a place to get to know other gay people without public pressure. You also get to meet people online who are 100% gay as oppose to going out and guessing if that guy you fancy is gay or not.

The down side, like what the others say is that a large portion of men from dating sites are looking for hook ups so if you want a great conversation or something alot more than sex, be very clear in your profile and don't be afraid to turn someone down if you don't feel comfortable talking to them.

Btw all my ex and current boyfriends I met through the internet. I find that that opens the door to many opportunities outside of who I would normally meet. Good luck!

 

I'm glad that you have found a place where you feel safe to discuss your sexuality That's awesome and so is you embarking on this journey to authenticity and free sexual expression.

There is no such thing as "proper gay". All of us are in different places mentally and you'd be surprised at how many people have been out for years and are still "confused" about their sexuality. I put that word in quotes because the way I see it there's nothing to figure out. Things would be so much easier if we just allowed ourselves to be and let things happen naturally. The answers become so clear when you just listen to yourself as opposed to constantly questioning yourself and trying to make yourself conform to a way of being that's not your own.

You don't need to mention any of that on your profile but if you'd like to just so that you can maybe avoid interacting with people that won't be ok with that then that's fine but like I said you'd be surprised at how many people are in your same situation. Not to mention there are tons of people who aren't part of the gay/straight binary and would probably be very accepting of someone like yourself who is right now somewhere in the middle.

 

I have found this thread to be helpful for me too. Thanks to the posters.

I have the same kind of conflicted feelings as you do and I figure I can cross that bridge if/when I get there about explaining how I feel to potential dates. I am also not interested in random hook-ups, and in one of my ads I am listed as bi (you have to chose lesbian or bi). So in that ad I specifically put that I am not interested in couples or random hook ups. That worked.

 

i have been in a similar situation and someone recommended the same thing to me (dont be with anyone until you figure yourself out and line up some sex to help you do that). personally for me, hooking up with random people to "see" if i like sex with men is really ill advised for my personality and situation. if you are romantically thinking about the same sex, i dont think you need to physically "try a few" to see if you will like it. but that's just me. you are right, many people do not want to date newbies because they dont want to fall for someone that will eventually push them away or get weird once things get "too gay". however, there are other people in your exact situation that would find it refreshing to date someone that's at their same speed.

my recommendation is to be upfront on your profile. let people know where you are at right now and what you do and dont want at this time and what you're ready for. that way, it filters people out that wouldn't be a match anyway. if you do not do this, people will assume you're much further along than you are and you're going to have to explain it anyway. just do it upfront and atleast you know you let people know and they can make the determination if they are interested.