Hello, I am new to this forum. I have been married for 4 years, I've known that I was sexually abused in my childhood forever...this obviously has confused my on my sexuality for my entire life. I'm not sure if I am bi, or straight, or gay...I love my wife, and I enjoy having sex with her, but I am typically more attracted to men, not women...except for my wife...might it be possible to be gay and still love having sex with a single female? I'm so very confused...
Hi, and welcome. It makes sense that childhood abuse would lead to confusion. However, there appears to be very little evidence that it "makes you gay." Rather, it seems that sometimes LGBT kids are more vulnerable to sexual predators for various reasons. Many gay men are married, and some even have fairly good sex lives with their wives. And they usually do love them. Eventually though, they usually are unable to really be satisfied. Do you think you can be satisfied in your relationship with your wife indefinitely, without seeking a relationship with a man? Are you able to be faithful to your wife? Sexuality is very complex, so I would say yes, it is possible to be gay and enjoy sex with one particular woman. Especially when your relationship with her is that she is your designated sex partner, which a wife is. In this way you are situationally heterosexual, just as straight people can be situationally homosexual in situations where the sexes are segregated. It doesn't really change your underlying orientation, and the relationship and feelings are real and valid. Sometimes, though, the realization that you are gay can change the situation enough that the relationship won't work any more.
Hi. I went ahead and moved this thread to Support and Advice, where I see it more fit. Childhood abuse is a horrible thing and many people who are abused as children end up confused later on in life. I'm not sure if you're gay, but you very well could be bi. Having an attraction towards men yet attraction to your wife points to me that you might be bi. That's a possibility as well as what Ianthe said too. There are a lot of gay men out there who know they are gay and are still married and in love with their wife. You've only been married for a handful of years, so your feelings could change over time. Are you having wants and desires to be with men? If you are, I think this is something you might want to bring up with your wife. I know that will be very difficult, but if you both love each other then support might be what you need.
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, I'm sorry that you've had to experience what you did. Sexual abuse is far more common than most realize; approximately 1 in 6 men in the US have experienced childhood sexual abuse. (The numbers are a bit higher for women, about 1 in 4.) But it is becoming something that we as a society are more comfortable discussing, and I'm glad you've felt comfortable enough to talk about it here. The studies out there on male abuse survivors and sexual orientation point to a very complicated set of issues. We know that a larger portion of male abuse survivors identify as gay later in life than their non-abused counterparts. We also know, without question, that sexual abuse confuses one's sexual preference or identity, but that is different from sexual orientation, which is, based on the best data we have at present, hardwired. The other factor that really affects things is the way abuse survivors typically function in relationships. Emotional intimacy is often a mixed bag, and because of the abuse, it can be really difficult to separate out between emotional attraction and physical (sexual) attraction. So it is possible that you feel close to your wife because she is safe and trusted and you feel a strong emotional bond, which, because of your abuse, you are confusing for a strong sexual bond or attraction. But one factor that would help clarify: Was your abuser male or female, and how old was he/she? The aftereffects of abuse on men is substantially different based on the sex and sometimes age of the abuser. The bottom line is you're taking the right steps to understand yourself. This is something that typically takes quite some time to unravel, and it can be uncomfortable and scary. But at the end of the journey, if you keep focused, you will end up healthy and with a much clearer understanding of where you stand.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I got married to a woman and we had a satisfying sex life. However, like you, I found myself attracted to other men, never another woman. And I have no history of sexual abuse. I attribute to my confusion / lack of clarity to societal norms. Everyone was to grow up, get married, have children, etc. So even though there wasn't a strong urge / desire to date women, I did when the oppotunity presented itself. And when it happened at the age where most people get married, I proposed and we got married. It took another few years for me to finally acknowledge that I wasn't really happy, and to do something about it. But to answer your question, I had a good relationship with my wife, and enjoyed having sex with her, but I consider myself to be gay. I remarried this past summer - but this time to another man. Hang out here, and get comfortable with the possibility. I'd also recommend seeking out a counsellor or therapist who you could discuss this all with. I found that to be critical in my journey.
Welcome to EC. I've suffered through childhood sexual abuse as well, and it has cause a lot of confusion and denial with me as I was growing up. I have finally come to terms with being gay though. I don't think that it affected my sexual orientation at all. If anything, it gave me a clutch to hold on to my denial with thoughts like "I'm only having these gay thoughts because of what happened to me as a child".
