Recently I made the decision to stop attending church as I am not christian, and I felt it wasn't something I should be doing. Problem is my parents are "The Pastor and His Wife". As you can imagine, my parents bitch about it to my every chance they get. This afternoon my mom asked my to go to McDonald's with her because she wanted ice cream. I was hesitant at first because every time I am alone with her she lectures me about how "I need to be going to church and how it looks to people, etc.", but I decided that they had already lectured me twice that morning, so maybe it would be ok. After we got our food and sat down our conversation went like this. Me: I really don't need these fries. Mom: Why wont you go to church? You know people are starting to ask where you are. I just dont understand why you wont go. Me: ... Mom: Please, just start going to church again. Me: You know what, I am not going to do this. If we are going to go through this every time we are together, I am not going to spend time with you. Mom: Dont you black mail me! Me: I am not blackmailing you. I know what you have to say, and I am sick of it ruining all our time together. I can't enjoy time with you because you always ruin it by lecturing me! Mom: I am not going to stop. I am a Christian first and a Mother second. That is just who I am. Me: ... The rest of the dinner went on as usual with her bitching at me and me just trying to get though it. She really meant it. I just have to accept that no matter what, she is never going to accept me... I guess it's time to just get over it...
"Then you should have thought of that before you had children." "And God made you a mother, so maybe you should respect that and act like one." "And this is just who I am, so we're even." Possible replies that will either shut her up or make her kick you out, depending on how extreme she really is. >_>; Eh. If she cannot be a mother first long enough to at least respect your reasons for not going, then she doesn't deserve to have time alone with you. It sucks, but if all she is going to do is shove her religion on you like that, then she's the one pushing you away. Maybe it's times to remind her that actions like hers are the reason why some kids stop speaking to their parents... *shrugs* Maybe I'm being too harsh, but what she said just burns my buns. Parents shouldn't force religion on anyone, let alone their own children. I'm sorry your parents are pulling this with you... stand your ground, though. They can't force you to go.
Have you told her that you no longer share her beliefs? Would she want you to be a lukewarm Christian, attending church merely because it's what's expected of you? You really can't be sure that she will not accept your sexuality because of this. She doesn't understand why you have left the church. Even AS a mother, she is wondering what she has done wrong: "Haven't I brought him up in the faith? Where did I go wrong? How did I fail him?" I suspect that you have left the church for reasons related to your sexuality. Since you aren't out to her, she has no way to understand. She's going to keep asking you why, because, you know, you haven't told her. Your loss of faith doesn't make any sense to her given the information that she has. Unfortunately, you can't really do anything about it until it is safe to come out to her. But you don't automatically know that she won't accept you. People react in surprising ways, all the time.
He does know how she'll respond, because he came out to her before, several years ago, and she and his dad went apeshit, so he took it back and claimed it was a mistake. Kip, it really sucks to be in the position you're in. But I think you did absolutely the right thing by setting a boundary, and it's a very reasonable boundary to set. You're saying "I don't want to be nagged about church every time we go anywhere" and she says "Well, I'm going to do this no matter what", so it's perfectly reasonable for you to then say "Well, then, I suppose I don't want to do things with you because this is always going to get in the way." One more extension of that conversation, which I think would be reasonable, is "I understand your viewpoint (about being a Christian first, and a mother second). And I need you to understand mine. I don't wish to go to church, nothing you say will change that, and I don't wish to be hassled about it. If you can't honor my wishes, then I guess we won't be able to spend time together. So the choice is entirely up to you, but if you are going to spend time with me, it needs to be with the understanding that you won't bring this sort of thing up. And if you do, I will simply stop doing things with you." It's setting a clear and reasonable boundary. It may not make her happy, but it also forces her to really think about whether what she told you (Christian first, mother second) is what she really, truly believes. I suspect it isn't, but I suspect it will really have to hit her in the face, hard, before she can make the difficult decision to switch her priorities.
