HOCD? A common question, but it get's deeper than that...

From reading your post, you really don't sound like you're gay. Gay guys don't have to force themselves to be aroused to guys, as you said you did. Gay guys also don't get horny for and aroused by girls.

You are probably thinking way too much. Being a nicer, gentler person does not mean becoming a girl. They are universal, human qualities, not restricted to either sex. You said yourself, you've never had thoughts of wanting to become a girl.

It certainly can. It shouldn't be used as the only determining factor, but porn preference can definitely be a help when figuring out your sexuality. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like gay porn was overly satisfying.

Try to stop over analyzing things and reading too much into them. I honestly think you've gotten really worked up over nothing. Nothing that you wrote throws up any red flags that would make me think you're gay. You even "tried on" being gay - something one of our EC Advisors, Lex, often suggests. And it didn't seem to fit, did it?

A friend of mine went through something like this once. He was so worried that he might be gay that he stopped watching straight porn and only watched lesbian porn because he was afraid he might have been unknowingly turned on by the guys. Turns out his fears were unfounded - he's straight. You're young - don't let this questioning consume your life, especially when I don't think you have much of a reason to be questioning in the first place!

Good luck!

 

My best understanding is that HOCD is really just OCD. That is, sometimes, someone with OCD develops an obsessive compulsion around the thought that they might be gay, even though they aren't really. In order to have this, you would have to have OCD anyway. Have you asked your psychiatrist about OCD? It would not be unusual for someone known to have mood disorders to also have OCD. It's interesting that you associate your thoughts about your sexuality with your mother's death. You should probably mention that to your psychiatrist as well.

If your psychiatrist thinks that you have OCD, you will get treatment for it; if the thoughts about your sexuality are OCD related, your treatment will help with them.

Don't forget that "gay" and "straight" are not the only options. Some people are bisexual, and attracted to people of more than one gender.

Transgender people feel very deeply that their gender is different from the one that was assigned at birth. They usually report feeling that way from a very young age. Their dissatisfaction with their bodies is directly related to their gender identity--your description of your body as "skinny, scrawny and weak" suggests to me that you would prefer a more masculine appearance, stronger and bulkier, which does not make any sense in terms of you being transgender. So, if all you are basing it on is dissatisfaction with your body, the specifics of your dissatisfaction seem to be pointing in the opposite direction, actually.

Some people have found pornography helpful in figuring out their sexual orientation, but many people enjoy pornography featuring people they would not actually want to have sex with, so it is not completely reliable.

Ask your psychiatrist to evaluate you for OCD along with whatever else they are looking at, in terms of mood disorders. They will have a whole long set of questions to ask you about it, for diagnosis. Regarding mental disorders, your psychiatrist will have better answers than we have here.

In the meantime, try to recognize that, if you ARE gay or bisexual, it's not the end of the world. I think bisexual is a lot more likely for you than gay, given the way you describe your feelings about women. I could be wrong of course. Have you tried "bisexual" on, to see how it feels?

How did your dad react when you told him?

 

I need to disagree with some of the other posters - who I fully acknowledge know far more than I do on these topics. For one thing, I am over a decade older than you are, dealing with similar issues, so I should probably be on the receiving rather than giving end of advice.

The way you described yourself and your background, sounds eerily similar to my early experiences. I worried about everything. I had OCD. I built mountains out of molehills.

However, rather than the OCD leading me to the faulty belief that I am gay or bi, looking back, I think, counterintuitively, I used my obsessive nature to facilitate my denial.

The logic goes - I obsess about everything, how do I know it's real? It's my mind playing tricks on me.

I spent a lot of time convincing myself it was all in my head - because, to a large extent, so many other things were over the years.

Unfortunately, this thought, and the feelings that developed a bit later, did not dissipate.

The reality is - no one here can tell you what you are. I think the best thing you can do is, take a deep breath, step back, and see what kinds of FEELINGS develop organically. Try and focus more on what you feel than what your mind is ruminating on. If your mind is saying, "I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay" but you are walking around getting aroused by the girls your age. See what develops with that feeling. If you are watching tv and you find yourself fixating on a guy, see what feelings develop. I never really allowed myself that sort of freedom.

 

Chip is right, and I don't want to post and distract from his great advice - one thing I want to add. A single thought, or a persistent fear, does not necessarily defined you. I had a dream that I was a woman recently. It was really strange and weird - and threw me for a loop for a few minutes when I woke up. But then I said to myself, this was a dream! The thoughts that went through my head that morning once I woke up were just thoughts. I needed to look at these against the weight of all of my prior experiences, and when judged in that context, my mind was just fixating on the dream and subsequent thoughts to scare me. Anyway, I think finding a good local counselor would be great for you. It really helps to share these thoughts in a safe, non-judgmental atmosphere.

 

Stop worrying. You should probably be seeing a therapist, rather than a psychiatrist. I don't think you are gay, but it seems like you may have a form of OCD, or some other emotional disorder. Please, see someone, or talk to someone about this. We're all here for you, but hurting yourself is NEVER the way to deal with it.