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Coming out sucks... especially when your girlfriend needs to know

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by postulant88, Oct 26, 2011.

  1. postulant88

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    I also posted this exact thing to Padre411

    I am a closeted 23 year old man. I am also a postulant for the priesthood in the Episcopal Church. I was just granted postulancy on Saturday. That announcement has brought about tremendous changes for me.

    I don't know where to start. I am currently in a long term relationship with a woman. We met in college. She's a beautiful girl whom I love very much. She's funny, smart, articulate, caring, and worst of all, she loves me too. I have known since 7th grade that I was almost exclusively attracted to men but I have for so long tried to convince myself that it was only a phase, that I could make it pass if I tried hard enough.

    I have finally come to the end of my rope. I am starting to realize how I've never been attracted to a woman in my life.

    I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can accept this part of me. I feel so deceptive, walking around my local parish talking about how I'm so proud of the Episcopal Church for our recent decisions on gay and lesbian people, and yet living a life that's a lie.

    I am so terrified of breaking her heart, disappointing my parents. I am so overwhelmed I can't even name all of the fears.

    What if she gets angry? What if she can't handle the news and hurts herself? What if my parents refuse to talk to me? What if my bishop feels that I was deceptive to the COM and Standing Committee and therefore strips me of my postulancy? What if I lose my job as a youth minister at my local parish? What if people think I'm just deciding this on a whim? What if people just don't understand?

    I have never in my life felt so called to something as I do the priesthood. I know that is a part of who I am. But I also know I am gay. I don't know how to meld the two.

    I need your advice.

    Faithful and hopeful,
    Jake
     
  2. Hidinginalabama

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    Jake I got to say first stop and breath. Just for a second. Now that being done. You and I both know all the great things that the church has done when it comes to gay and lesbian people. And I do mean great things. I see no reason why the church or your bishop would take anything away from you that you have worked so hard for.

    Oh and side note: When I lived with my parents in alabama their nabor was and still is our bishop. And when I go back down to birmingham alabama some soon. I will be talking to Key my bishop about me being gay. If that makes you feel any better about what you are thinking of doing.

    As for the women that you have been dating. Telling her the trueth to me is better than keeping it in site you and lying to her. She might not be happy about it and could be anrgy like you said. But if she really does like you and may even love you then she would want the best for you. If she is not ok with you and the person that you trully know to be than that is her thing she will have to deal with. You can not make every one happy nor should you have to. I understand that you do not want to hert her. But to me if you keep hiding this from her in the end it will only hert her more.

    I hope this helps you out in some way. I'm hoping for the best for you and that every thing works out just like you want. Just remember this one thing. In time every thing gets better. Try to never forget that. Best of luck
     
  3. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi Jake and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    Your situation is indeed a difficult one and I'm sorry that you're struggling that much.
    However, I'm sure things are going to get better.
    First thing, you take the hardest step by coming out to yourself. You're only 23, you're still very young, that is much much better for you to be aware of your sexuality and to work on accepting it now than it would be in 10 years.
    I imagine how scary and stressful the situation must feel for you now, but first take a deep breath. Coming out isn't a race and you don't have to take any steps you don't feel ready for.
    At some point, it will be better to come out to your girlfriend, and I understand how worried you may feel about it. But if you're 23 she is presumably very young herself. That is going to be much better for both of you that you break up with her now than if you keep up with your relationship knowing you'll never be able to fully lover her. This situation isn't fair to her and isn't fair to you either.
    Of course, this isn't going to be easy, but that is definitely the right thing to do.
    Here is a link to a Pflag booklet you may want to give to your girlfriend when you'll came out to her. She may find it helpful : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf
    As for coming out to your parents, your friends and your church, once again, it's not a race. It's something that you have to do at your own pace.
    Though, fortunately, your church is one of the most open to LGBT community. Hopefully things will go fine when you'll come out to your bishop.

    I hope this can be helpful, even just a little.

    Take care (*hug*), Cécile
     
  4. Robert

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    I'm glad you've found Padre411. I'm sure you will be of great help to eachother.

    Closeted gay people ALWAYS feel that they have betrayed the people around them by living a lie. But the truth is that the people around you will understand that what you have been going through hasnt been very pleasant for you. No one expects a person of your age (or, indeed, even of my age) to have come out immediately after you first checked a guy out. So, the question of you lying doesnt come in to it. It was always going to be this way. Its not about whether you should have lied, its about when are you going to break this lie.

    You've asked a lot of questions, but there is only one question which you need to consider: Do you believe that you will be able to, or will want to, take this secret to your grave? If the answer is no, then all the other questions dont need answers. The truth is, that you will never get the answers to the questions you have asked until you come out.

    The choice before you is clear. It is a choice that every single person you see on this forum has made or will have to make. Either live a lie because you fear what might happen if you live in truth, or be yourself and be completely honest for the first time in your adult life.

    No ones going to pretend that this is an easy choice but I think that you came here for a reason. And we will be here to support you.
     
    #4 Robert, Oct 27, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  5. Marlowe

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    I my heart goes out to you. This must be really tough. I do not feel that I can offer any further advice than what has already been given, but I offer an anecdote that will perhaps provide you with a bit solace about the difficult road ahead. A female family friend of mine dated a man for a number of years, and he later came out of closet. He has remained the closest of friends with her, and her children call him uncle. He and his partner share Christmas with her family every year. I know that it will be a hard road ahead, but at least keep this in mind that it is at least possible that your girlfriend will support you. Remember as you face your struggles that you are not alone.
     
  6. Hexagon

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    It sounds hard, especially the prospect of telling your girlfriend. Its possible that she's going to feel very hurt or angry for a while (although this doesn't always happen), and the best thing you can do is tell the truth and make sure she knows that you did love her, despite the fact that your gay, and that you felt this way long before you met her, but were very confused (so she knows it was nothing to do with her).

    As for your church, I confess I don't know much about them but if they are gay friendly then I don't think anyone is going to condemn you for not having spoken out before then. You had your reasons for not telling, and they are perfectly reasonable ones.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how conflicted and scared you are right now. I know - many of us do. We've been there in one way or another.

    As Cecile indicated, you don't need to come out to everyone, and you certainly don't need to come out to everyone all at once. The thought of that for me was terrifying.

    But at the same time, you've committed to live a life of faith and integrity, and for your own mental health you can't carry this around with you indefinitely. It isn't good for you or for anyone else around you.

    Have you seen a counsellor at all to talk about this? I would strongly recommend it. Just because you're looking to be a church leader doesn't mean you're supposed to be able to figure out all of life's challenges on your own. You're entitled to advice and counsel just as much as your parishoners. Ask for the help that you need right now.

    I doubt that your girlfriend will hurt herself. I doubt that your parents will stop talking to you. I doubt that your church superiors will think you've been intentionally misleading them. You sound like a great person, and that leads me to think that the people closest to you are ALSO great people. And they'll show nothing but respect and understanding.

    I've alerted Padre411 offline to your situation, and hopefully he'll have an opportunity to get back to you soon. (He doesn't manage to log in here very often.)

    I'm glad you've found us here. I'm sure it will help. Feel free to speak to any of the advisors or to respond here in this thread. We're all here rooting for you!
     
  8. stilllovelyafte

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    Postulant,

    I'm not in a position to give much advice. I am just posting to let you know that you are very much not alone. I'm going through the same process - I have a loving long term girlfriend, and I've built a great life, on paper, as a heterosexual man. I'd give anything for the life I created to be the right life for me - but after years of forcing it, I now know I need to take steps to change.

    It's very scary to think of all of the steps we are going to need to take to find happiness and live an authentic life. So many challenges, none of which we asked for. Spending some time on EC, however, I've started to realize (1) many of the things we worry about are not going to happen - maybe our girlfriends will end up being supportive, (2) maybe our parents will show us strength, courage, and support we didn't expect in them, and (3) maybe the church and our friends just don't give a damn about whom we choose to love.

    A friend of mine once told me - we make the most important decisions in our lives without enough information. Ultimately, we are going to need to take a leap of faith and hope the pieces fall in the right place...
     
  9. postulant88

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    Thanks, y'all! This has been so great for me. I'm concerned about whether I need to tell her that I think I'm gay or if I just need to end it.

    I have two thoughts: 1) She deserves to know why I ended it and what I'm going through. 2) I'm not sure what I am at this point. I don't know if I'm gay or bi. I don't know what I want and I need to explore that and I need her to give me the space to figure that out.

    Thoughts?
     
  10. jsmurf

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    Postulant, very similar position to you.. I'm also 23, and only now starting to come out to certain people around me (just a few so far), and I also bear a strong connection to my religion (Judaism), although in my case the branch with which I associate is not as tolerant of homosexuality as Episcopalians are in Christianity... But that's not the issue.


    Just wanted to say that you know best what to do regarding your girlfriend. Do you intrinsically feel like if you told her, she would be empathetic enough to understand? Or is it more serious wherein she expects that you'll go so far as propose to her in marriage?

    ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2011 at 11:10 PM ----------

    Never been in a relationship myself, but I totally get the turmoil you must be going through.

    :frowning2:
     
  11. Robert

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    We had one middle-aged guy come on here who didnt know 'what he was' and, in the end, she turned out to be a bisexual transexual.

    Good luck.
     
  12. Jim1454

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    My thought would be that you should be honest with her. But you know better than I do how she's going to react, and how supportive and understanding she'll be (vs. bitter and spiteful).

    Ultimately, you'll want to be 'out' to people about your orientation. Keeping it a secret (when it doesn't need to be one) will just weigh on you unnecessarily. Your girlfriend can be your first ally that you bring on board in this journey.