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Scared of a straight guy friendship, and other problems <.<

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gleeko0, Oct 27, 2011.

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  1. Gleeko0

    Gleeko0
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    Ok, so I finally decided to write this. I thought it wasn't necessary but now it's really bugging me and I have to decide what I am going to do before something bad happens.

    So... I am an openly bisexual guy. All of my friends know it and after I came out it spread like fire (I don't care about that, I have friends who support me and i don't care who knows it). Anyways, there is this one...straight guy (I am not sure, you'll understand why, in a while) who, before I came out, started to befriend me. I was not really interested in being friends with him because I was afraid. I am very attracted to him and I wanted to keep my distance to avoid accidentally coming out, but that's just what happened. Ok, he got really angry with me and even said some bad stuff to me, but it felt like he wasn't doing it because of himself, but just because of what others might think about the situation. All of sudden I was talking with him, walking around, and right after people figure out I also like guys.. weird situation from some people's view point don't you agree? So I guess that's why he freaked out, because of his image.

    Ok...this happened like a few months ago, and even with that he agreed to make a long-term school project with me and another guy. Since then, we've been working on it and all, we had some minimal interaction but he was always different than before when he didn't know I was bi.

    This week was the week for our final presentation for this school work and we had some "major" interaction (compared to before). We started to talk more often and it seems like he is that same guy that I met before he knew I was bi.

    Ok..now to the problem:

    I don't want to repeat my errors. I don't want to cause all that trouble again. And that is because of HIM, not me. I am the "Don't-give-a-damn-about-what-others-think" kind of person, so I basically don't care, people know I also like guys anyways.

    So, why do I doubt his sexuality? Until you get to know him, you'll say there is no doubt he is 110% straight. After he started to befriend me I started to get know him more. I went to his house once, and I got to know his Dad. His dad is very chauvinist. (Definition: "Male chauvinism is a term used to describe the belief that men are superior to women. It is often used interchangeably with "sexism" and is closely associated with misogyny and perceptions of women as inferior to men, especially intellectually.")

    I don't know the EXACT word because I tried translating it from my main language, but I guess thats the closest I can get. So, his father is extremely..well... ignorant. I'm disgusted to mention that he (that guy, my friend) mentioned, by accident, that his father paid him to have sex with a woman. So..I guess that pretty much explains everything, his father wanted to make SURE his son wasn't gay (for some reason?) and that went to the extreme. I have never in my life heard that before.


    I guess he might just like guys, but might be extremely afraid of even taking it in consideration for himself. He literally freaked the hell out when he figured out I liked guys, just because I was socializing with him. :confused: I mean, wtf? he had an huge overreaction (No, he is not homophobic, that is very clear because now our friendship is just like before he knew I liked guys).

    I am confused. I know I just might be blind because I might not only be liking his looks but now his personality. Or I might just be seeing stuff that I shouldn't see.

    I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of committing the same error again-trying to figure out something that doesn't exist or that I shouldn't mess with. I still have that urge to figure out what's up with him and help him if I am right about him (I hope I am not). Not only because I like him but also because for me, imagining someone in his situation is unbearable.
     
    #1 Gleeko0, Oct 27, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  2. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    That's quite a story. The fact that this guy's dad got him a prostitute at 16 says a lot I think. It suggests that his dad is worried that he's gay. His over reaction to you coming out as bi also suggests that perhaps he's gay. I can see why you have your suspicions.

    HOWEVER, this is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! Your friend, if he is something other than straight, will need to come out on his own terms, in his own time, only when he's ready. Nobody else can have an influence on that time line - it's his life and his decision.

    All that you can do is provide a good example to him. By leading your own life in an honest and authentic way you demonstrate to him and others that it's not such a horrible thing to be bisexual. It doesn't mean that you cant be a good friend, can't succeed at school, etc.

    If you try to drag this out of him, he'll only protest even louder. If you tell him you like him you'll likely freak him out too. You can assure him that if he ever needs a friend to talk to about something, that you'd be there for him - no matter what. But that's it. It's not going to be easy, but I'm afraid that's the way it is.

    Good luck!
     
    #2 Jim1454, Oct 28, 2011
  3. Gleeko0

    Gleeko0
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    Thank you, your advice took out all the wrong ideas i had and i will do what you said, take care of my life and just show him that there is nothing shameful about doing what makes you happy, i guess thats why he sees that as a bad thing, the main thing that made me struggle to come out and caused me many -inner- problems.. its thinking that liking someone is shameful because that person is of the same gender. And..he knows i like (or liked) him, that was leaked like at the same time i came out, it started as rumors and "lies" that weren't lies in the end, i didn't admit it thought.

    I hope he understands the message i will pass, the rest is up to himself to decide.

    Thank you for your time, you don't know how much you helped me.
     
    #3 Gleeko0, Oct 28, 2011
  4. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    You're very welcome. I'm glad to help.

    And certainly - others might have suggestions of their own...
     
    #4 Jim1454, Oct 28, 2011
  5. Filip

    Filip
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    Well, I wish I had any other suggestions, but Jim nailed it: coming to grips with not being straight takes time and effort, and support from friends. So the best thing you can do here is be there, be casually bisexual without apologising for it, and show that in the end, sexuality doesn't have to mean much in the greater scheme of things.

    The last thing you want to do is offer support with a hidden double agenda of dating him, because if those ever come to light, you're only going to fuel any misconceptions he might have.

    On the bright side: should he be gay or bi, it can only help in accepting himself and even if he's straight after all, by showing him to be a more accepting person, you're already helping him enormously!
     
    #5 Filip, Oct 28, 2011
  6. Alex19

    Alex19
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    his did paid for him to have sex with a girl? how fuckin weird! and that wouldnt prove he likes girls... just money lolllll
     
    #6 Alex19, Oct 29, 2011
  7. Gleeko0

    Gleeko0
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    You misunderstood it. HIS dad got him a prostitute. He paid her, not him o.o
     
    #7 Gleeko0, Oct 29, 2011
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