Hello Everyone, I have lurked this site for a while and can appreciate all of the resources here that are available That being said, I would love to get some advice from the well versed members here Background info: Personally, as far as my out status, I have accepted things internally as far as my sexuality, but I have never actually come out to anyone. I haven't come out to my parents because I'm waiting until I'm 100% financially independent (right now I pay for 90% of all my needs, but being a student means I don't have an endless supply of cash). At 21, I'm starting to hear more and more (possible selective hearing) about all the people I know in relationships, and all of the highs and lows that they experience. Speaking completely honestly, it makes me a bit jealous sometimes. I have never been in a serious relationship, only one or two during high school with girls which only helped me to realize how awkward it was. :rolle: I am very involved in my work life and school at the moment, so I have limited time for social interaction, but I hang out with a mostly close knit group of friends and we are very comfortable joking and playing with each other, and people I can really call friends. There is one the guy, we can call him X. When X first started hanging around us, I really disliked him. He liked to challenge me on stuff and we were very similar in a sort of ways, but I always respected his intelligence. He knew how to push my buttons and get me riled up (which sometimes isn't hard lol) and what to do to drive me crazy. We became what I'd call friends, but as we mostly see each other with our mutual friends, I don't really have time to ask overtly personal questions except for a few occasions where we were just alone and I was able to talk to him about some personal stuff, and I could tell he was being honest with me, which was nice. Also when I was pretty badly sick, he was the first to ask what happened and if I was okay, which meant a lot as well. Over a long time though (and this is like the course of a little over a year) I've come to just become attracted to his personality, thoughtfulness, and his wit and sense of humor. I've pretty much fallen for this guy, so you are probably saying to yourself, "well what's the problem?". I don't know if he is gay or not. For me, I don't even really have a gaydar, but I'd say that he is based on a few factors: - He as far as I know has never been in any relationships and I know he's a virgin (as am I, not that it matters) - When other guys talk about women and stuff like that, he never participates - He is typically shy when it comes to talk of stereotypical "macho" stuff When we are with our friends though, he does joke sexually with me all the time, which drives me crazy (in a good way). Most of the time our friends just say to get a room and get it over with haha. If I say something innocent (or a double entendre or something implying innuendos) he will catch on it and joke with me saying stuff like "Oh I'll ride you alright" "Oh that made me all hard" (anything basically along those lines haha) and while he can be sarcastic, he doesn't act like this with anyone else I've noticed. It's to the point if we get into a disagreement or an argumentative discussion people say we act like a married couple and such. He's not the type of guy physically that makes you like drop dead, but he's definitely in the range of what I'd consider "my type" if I even had one. I am very much a person who is interested in personality and the ability to have civilized discussions and such. So even at this point, I'm kinda wondering what to do to move forward with the situation. One of our mutual friends, she knows both me and X very well, and could serve as a mediator. I'm sure she (and probably most of my friends) can suspect that I'm gay (I don't follow the stereotypes, but anyone who truly knows me would be able to put 1 and 1 together), but she has never specifically asked me, possibly out of respect for me to say it when I'm ready. I'd be comfortable in coming out to her because she has a nurturing personality and I don't think she'd disown me or anything because of it. Secondly, I'd be hoping once I did she could tell me some more info about X and help me in getting possibly a definite "yes or no" answer. This whole situation has forced me to come to terms with my own sexuality in a way that I haven't had to before, and I figure it's just I'm getting older and wanting to experience what my friends are seeing how happy they are in relationships. However I have had so much doubt going around and kind of thinking of the heartache if I go through with everything and make a fool of myself and completely wreck our friendship, and it's making me more and more depressed and totally insecure about myself. I've had crushes on other guys before, but I feel it's different than some random crush I know that nothing will ever come from, and a more delicate situation. Lately when X is around, I have been more or less reserved because all of my thoughts are focusing on him and my feelings that have developed. Everyone asks me what's up because I'm not my usual, pretty much "happy-go-lucky" self and a lot more reserved, especially when X is around. I just lie to them because obviously I can't just blurt all this out, but they are definitely suspicious. I'm getting to the point where I feel I need to just DO something, which led me to ask you guys for help! Sorry this is so long, I felt I had to explain everything :lol: thanks for everyone that took the time to read this (at the very least it helps get this off my chest) and any advice is appreciated (*hug*)
Hey there! And welcome to EC! :smilewave I don't mind the length of that post at all! In fact, it seems like it's already a very thoughtful analysis of your own situation. Actually, any advice I can think of is going to be elaborating on things you already seem to know. I think that the best way to proceed is possibly to take two paths: - Coming out to your other friend could be a great deal of help. It's always easier to come to terms with being gay if you can bounce back thoughts and ideas with someone else instead of keeping it all in. It's easier to be OK about your sexuality if you actively see other people be OK with it. Also, I don't think I'd immediately ask her to be a mediator in setting things up with X, but maybe she'd be better as a "lightning conductor". It's clear from the way you write about X that you like him a great deal and have put a lot of thought into it. But that can also cause you to interpret the information you have in slanted ways. The best way I have ever found to deal with feelings like this is to just talk to people who could have a more objective view, and see if their interpretation matches yours. So what I'm trying to say is: yes, coming out to her is a great idea. But do try to keep your expectations realistic and get too disappointed if her response isn't "X told me he's gay too! Let me set you guys up for a date!" - It's hard to expect to find out about other people's sexualities if you don't want to risk disclosing your own. You might actually want to bite the bullet and come out to X. Maybe hold off on the "and I crush on you" part, but just see if you can arrange a time to privately talk and come out. From how you describe him, he seems like the kind of guy who would take it well and would be as discreet as you could possibly ask him to be. And his reaction could already tell you a great deal. Worst case, he's straight and any signs you saw were you overanalysing, but at least that gives you a more objective view on whether he was hinting or not. And if he's gay hipmself, it might give him a reason to come out or get to grips more with his own sexuality if he's not ready to come out yet. Again: don't expect miracles here either, but it is again a way to find out more and not stay locked within your own analysis of the situation. Last, but not least: don't be too afraid of wrecking your friendship over this. I've had friends crush on me before and I'm friends with them just fine still (OK, after a few weeks of awkwardness, but what's a few weeks in a friendship of years...). I've seen friends crushing on each other and them remaining friends even after the unrequited crush became public knowledge. The only way of wrecking the friendship would be to act like a bull in a China shop and totally freak out if he doesn't turn out to return the feelings. If you're even using half the thoughtfullness that speaks out of your post, and he's even half as considerate as you describe him, then I'd say the odds of that are pretty slim, though
Your post made so much sense I guess I was just looking for an objective view from someone here on what to do to proceed, I'm thinking that I may disclose my sexuality to her first and kinda gauge her reaction and then go from there. I think you're right in that I shouldn't expect anything instant to come from it, but it would definitely do a good deal of help for me to get it off my chest, except for the fact that now I need to figure out how to even start a conversation with her... Could it just be as simple as "Oh yeah I think we should go here on Saturday, oh did you hear about so and so, I'm gay, and when are we going to your house?" type deal and slip it in there nonchalantly, or should I sit her down (and probably work up my nerves more) and make it a big deal? The worst part about the whole deal is I guess it bugs me that straight people don't have to make it such a big deal, and really being gay is not a big deal to me, it only changes who I am sexually attracted to, and not really who I am as a person, didn't change my personality at all, but I digress. Any advice on how to start a conversation about coming out and making it not a big deal at all? Again thanks everyone who takes the time to help me, it definitely makes me feel a lot better
Okay, I'm quite late in responding, so I hope you're still around... The answer is, as always: it's as big a deal as you choose to make of it. It's obviously always going to be something you draw attention to at least once, but apart from that, it can be as simple as "oh yeah, I think I should inform you of the fact that I'm gay". Personally, I always liked taking the middle road: it's not a huge deal, but if I'm going through the trouble of explicitely telling someone, I do like to get to talk about it at least a little. If only to make sure people don't get apply any wrong stereotypes. So maybe you want to do just that: look for a time when you're alone and undisturbed with her, and come out in the process of asking her for advice how to come out further. Something like: "You know, there is actually something I have been pondering lately, and I think I do need some support and advice in this. Fact is: I' gay. I never told anyone before now but by now I feel like it would really help me along if I put it out there. How do you think the others would take it?" Casual, opens up conversation about it, but not too big of a deal (which makes it less likely she'll make a big deal about it). I'm assuming she'll have the same questions anyone does ("how do you know?" "how long have you known?", "who else knows?" and "do you have a boyfriend?" are the standard ones), at which point I think you have the perfect opportunity to discuss your crush, if you feel comfortable with it! That's how I'd do it, based just on the info in your post, though. Feel free to adapt to personal taste or post your ideas here for critique
So you're already on this, but I just wanted to echo Filip and say that yes, coming out to your (female) friend first is definitely a good idea. This will relieve a lot more tension in the situation than you might think. But also, yes, try not to mix the two experiences together if you don't get an obvious chance. Focus on just coming out for now - if something develops with this guy later, then great! If not, that's fine too. Imagine how much fun it would be even to have someone else in your group get it when he starts joking with you in that really more than just flirty way. :-D
