i feel like my characteristics makes it harder for me to come out the closet

Fist off, don't always believe what you hear.

Secondly, doesn't the United States of America have a BLACK MAN as President? While I appreciate what you're saying, I don't think being a black man in the US is a total lost cause. It might present challenges, but none that are insurmountable.

Perhaps it's a function of where you live. Do you have the opportunity to move?

Have you looked for support groups / LGBT organizations in your area? Been to a PFLAG meeting? Depending on where you live there may be places where you can go and feel more accepted - where your orientation AND your colour will be accepted.

There's always hope. There's always opportunity. It might not be abundant, and it might not be knocking the door down, but it's there.

 

OK - don't beat yourself up for things you should have done and didnt do. You can't change the past, you can only have an impact on today.

If you're in or around the New York area the I would think that you should have access to some LGBT services. Keep looking. And if they don't respond, send another email.

I would also think that if you're in the New York area you should be able to determine who you hang out with and what kind of circle of friends you want to have. What are your interests? Hobbies? Is it possible that there's an LGBT group that is interested in the same things? Here in Toronto (Canada's New York) there is an organization called 'Out and Out' that organizes social events as well as sports leagues. Check for that kind of thing too. Even if you HATE bowling, maybe there's a gay bowling league you could join. At least you'd be hanging out with people that you can relate to.

You might need to put your self out a bit. Go out on a limb. Make yourself a little vulnerable. There MUST be people in the New York area who you'd be able to relate to. I can't believe that you're the only black guy from Jamaica in the New York area who is black! It just can't be!

 

I can't say as I know a ton of black gays, but a lot of that has to do with where I am - Denver isn't exactly Soulville USA. The couple I know in person here are "friends-of-friends", and so I don't have much interaction with them. I do know a few online, though, and I've gotten to know them fairly well that way. All three are out. And it's no like their lives are perfectly smooth, but it seems they've managed to take any and all grief they get in stride. (One guy's a black gay heavy metal fan. With a mohawk. In Georgia. So I'm assuming he gets his share. )

I guess I'd hasten to point out that your situation is not unique. Many people realize they're gay, and are in social circles and areas of the world that appear to be pretty unaccepting. Which basically gives you two choices. You can stay in the closet, and keep deflecting any questions about your love life. Or you can come out, and give these friends of yours a chance to prove their worth. Because if they're truly friends, your sexuality won't matter. Seriously. If I interviewed each of them and asked "What do you like about NH?" They might say "He's fun to be with" or "I can talk to him about anything" or whatever. But I doubt any of them will say "I like him because he's straight".

And it may be that your circle of friends, or your area, IS very unaccepting. That after you come out to them, and after they've had a bit of time to digest that bit of info, they're still unaccepting. That they choose to hold on to their old-fashioned misconceptions than keep a good friend. If that's the case, and I mean this completely sincerely, fuck them. Because that's not how friends operate. So if that happens, leave their sorry asses behind, and get yourself some better friends.

As for "blacks in the gay community", as I suggested above, I can't say as I've had much interaction. But those "friends-of-friends" I spoke of seemed to be as much "part of the gang" as everybody else. It's possible they were viewed as a bit unusual, but again, I'm guessing that's due to sheer numbers than anything else.

Lex

 

I'm female-to-male transsexual. I am gay. I'm overweight. I'm disabled and have no income, and live with my family. I'm a practicing Satanist and make it no secret that I am not Christian. I'm vegetarian. I'm a furry. I have "multiple personality disorder", or at least that's what I'm forced to call it just to get people to sort of understand what's going on with me.

Any one of those things would be enough to get me beat up around here. All of them together? Ffff. Yeah, no way.

So, while I'm caucasian and come from a mostly caucasian background, I have my fair share of crap that makes me different from people in my area. I live in a Conservative city of 15k people, with 20+ churches in the city itself. I have no friends that live within 45 minutes from me. I was forced to graduate HS on a modified diploma after repeating my senior year because I was failing again, and none of the HS staff members that could help me would help me. I was in at least three different therapy offices by the time I was 18. I was told to my face by a "medical expert" in a court hearing that I cannot be disabled, and that I'm either too fat or making things up.

I'm familiar with discrimination. It sucks. It hurts. And you know, it makes the world a really scary, unsafe-feeling place. I never wanted to come out about anything, because I seriously felt like my life would be in danger. And yet here I am, mostly out to a variety of people who could easily pass it along to the wrong person. It's still scary, but it's better than being afraid 24/7 and it's worth it to have gotten the support I have gotten. Sometimes the pros are better than the cons. Sometimes you have to take a risk to make some valuable gains.

But that is for you to figure out. Maybe you should write down the pros and cons of the situation. Is it worth it to come out? Is it better to stay hidden, at least for now? What can you do on your own to improve your situation? Sometimes you can find groups that can help make it easier, either way. You have to come out a bit to go to those meetings... after all, someone could see you going or you might know someone at the meetings who could out you... but it might be worth the risk.

You're not alone. Trust me, most of us... if not all of us... can at least sympathize with your situation. And having at least one African American friend, I can sympathize with how non-Caucasian people get treated in the USA today. There is still very much a problem, and yes, gay black people do struggle. I can't explain why, not properly, but I'm aware that there is a problem there somewhere. It makes things more difficult, yes. But not impossible.

It's difficult, but hang in there and seriously consider your options in a realistic, objective way as possible. If you don't feel safe coming out, you don't have to. If you want to be are nervous, that is perfectly natural. I strongly suggest developing a support group first, even if it's a group of strangers the next town over that you meet once a week/month/whatever.

Lex said a lot of good things, also.

I hope what I said makes sense.