Hi everyone. Let me tell about my story. Sorry if I had any mistakes that disrupt reading, as English isn't my mother tongue. Hope you'll read them all without getting bored. To summarize, I'm questioning my sexual identity for a long time, and it's long since I'm sure I'm not a -typical- heterosexual. And I think I'm at the end of the road. I remember when I was a child, I was really very curious about the other boys' bodies. But it wasn't before around my 15th birthday to suspect about my sexual identity. It was too late I guess, because I was really careless about it. I even didn't realize this behavior was actually so gay, because I didn't care sexuality and romanticism when I was a teenager - I rather prefer be childish (still ). I was a weird one; I was a bit effeminate, but not so so much I guess: I talk too much (bla bla bla bla...), my voice is like a cartoon character, I'm too kind compared to an average person, never successful the sports with a ball (meh!), and my behavior is a bit strange - I mean, I never fit an image of typical boy. But I know just these don't imply I'm gay. And I always am a very successful student, and everyone who knows me is sure I'm different, even if they bullied me sometimes. The confusing thing is that I never really liked anyone - nor a girl, or a boy. That has been confusing me a lot. I still strive to like one (that time, a girl) but this doesn't happen when you just want, it's something emotional you cannot intervene, not logical. In high school I even didn't think of loving a boy, I knew I was attracted by boys somehow but it doesn't show itself in real life. When I realized my interest of boys' bodies is related to my homosexuality, I thought I was a teenager and my feelings were complicated, then time would show whether it was temporary or not. I several times tried to block it but became unsuccessful. As I wasn't interested of a romantic relationship (even if I really wanted one), it didn't disturb my life much if I didn't think about my sexual identity. I enrolled the university in 2009 and I started thinking more about my identity. I had many ideas about it, and they are mature for over a year. This year I've reviewed them again and again: I just got courage to be gay, and get used to the idea of being affected a boy without hesitation. One of my friends in my social circle came out last year, and I felt so weird. I just wanted to reveal my identity - the problem was that I even didn't know what it was! I was persuaded I'm not a heterosexual but couldn't categorize myself. I also decided I'm not an asexual, because I'm not sexually inert - when I see a picture of a cool boy, I do feel something But it doesn't show it much in my daily life. I want to clear all my doubts before I identify myself as a gay. Then I was confident enough to consult a psychologist in my university this summer, admitting that I'm confused and I want to determine my orientation whatever it is. I was quite introverted and thought these sessions weren't useful much, but last two went quite well that made me more confident. This is obvious: I am attracted by boys somehow for years, and even if I'm quite neutral in my daily life, this shows I'm a kind of gay. Actually I had a relationship with a girl this summer, but we separated in a month because our personalities were so different that it wouldn't be lost long even if I were totally straight. To say what I felt, I was never really affected to her. When I come out, nothing will change about my personality - anyway, it ought not to happen. I am what I am, and I will not change - I'll still be not emotionally much active. I mean - this is not related to repressing my feelings I guess, because I try not to do it anymore. But many people visualize a different picture of me (actually I don't care much) unless I tell about my actual feelings. I'm so lucky that I live in somehow broadminded middle-class family, they love me so much love and I know (and hope) they will embrace me whoever I am. But though, initially they will be so sad because they have dreams about me, you know, like finding a good girl - and a bride. Even if I weren't a gay, I'm unsure I could satisfy these. But still, here the society through the country is generally conservative, not well-informed and many are homophobic: They think homosexuality is somehow immoral. Even in my university, there are many educated guys thinking like that. Nevertheless, that's not a reason for me, even if I know I may have difficulties. Fortunately I live in an environment that is far more better than average, and there are many people wouldn't care my identity after I come out. Also, there is a great awareness about LGBT rights through the university and a LGBT club was established last year (oh, I attended the first meeting and it was a real story for me, let me tell it after) - what a shame there are only 3 in all universities so far! So - if I find courage, I'll come out to myself first, and then my closest friends, before a-week-holiday starts next week. So near, isn't it? Then, I can talk to my parents face to face during the holiday (hope I have such courage), I cannot even imagine saying this on the phone. Probably I'll tell my older sister first to help me - after the initial shock As you see, I have had many things that I kept inside, wow! Wish me luck! :newcolor:
Im glad things seem to be working out, at least somewhat, for you. I hope you find the answers you are looking for
I knew I was gay without a doubt after a camping trip with friends, we had to share a bedroll with my friend although nothing happened I knew I was gay after that I died when he put his arm around me in his sleep... XD
Awwwww! So - do you suggest to join a camping trip and wait? Maybe I may request some advice if I shorten the main idea: The main point is that I'm interested in naked men rather than women but I'm not likely to emotionally engage someone in daily life. But not meaning only thinking sex, I'm rather childish :icon_bigg So I don't feel gay "enough", being gay is just an approximation for me - or is it just nonsense? So I'm still questioning if it would be true to identify myself as a gay, but I'm tired of it and likely to accept myself as a "some kind of" gay in a very short time. Any ideas about it?
I read your post, and I understood where you were coming from. When I think back to high school, I wasn't attracted to girls or boys. I didn't really date girls unless they practically asked me out - and then I would go. But then I wouldn't really know what to do, and wouldn't ever attempt to get at all physical with them. But at the same time, I didn't have an attraction to the boys. I think I did have a fascination with the male body - which at the time I assumed was just me comparing my own body to theirs. (I was kind of a chubby kid growing up so I've had body image issues most of my life.) I would use porn (magazines back then!) and it was straight porn - but I think I was always really interested inseeing the men. I remember finding the pictures with just women or even 2 women really boring. I wanted to see guys with the women. In hindsight it was the guys I really wanted to see - and forget about the women. Because when I ended up with some gay porn - that was it! It really turned me on. But I STILL didn't pursue men in real life. I just kept this to myself. So I think you're pretty safe to assume that you're gay, even if you haven't dated anyone yet. Accepting that you're gay and giving yourself permission to date someone might be the step that's missing - and once you've done that you might find it easier to move on to the next step of actually dating someone. I'm glad that you think your family will be accepting and supportive, and that you're in an environment that will be accepting as well. That's great! Good luck!
Wow, Jim pretty much got it spot on. What he described sounded exactly like what I experienced. I guess this is pretty normal. I think that the romantic emotional aspect of attraction is a lot more complicated than physical attraction and does not necessarily manifest itself simultaneously with the physical attraction. In my case, it was not until a few months ago after nearly a decade of knowing that I was attracted to guys that I actually had an emotional crush on a guy, well actually it was falling head over heals in love. Before that the most I could say was that I lusted after a few guys in high school. Similarly I still myself from time to developing crushes on girls who are my type in terms of personality, but I am not interested in doing anything physical. It was certainly difficult for me to accept that I might be gay because although girls did nothing for me physically and in general I had trouble being "romantic" with them, I didn't know until recently if it was just a general problem of being able to be physically and emotionally intimate with someone. I still have not had sex, but I now know I am gay. I think once you experience developing a crush on a guy, you will suddenly be able to imagine being intimate with them and you will want to be. But of course, it takes time. Perhaps you have not yet met the right guy. I think for me one of the reasons it took so long is that I don't really develop crushes on people until I get to know them, but I am pretty shy, and I don't really have very many guy friends or even acquaintances.
Jim1454 and Marlowe, I'm extremely grateful for your wonderful posts! The both comments are just point shoots, and describe almost everything! Actually, it's also valid for me. Also, I'm a bit mysterious about my location (for now) but I just wanted to make it findable if you're curious - so good job, Jim1454 Then, let me briefly tell the recent news. Today, I totally persuaded myself and for the first time, I came out to "myself" as a gay! :newcolor: But even accepting it and saying it loud took 15 minutes (I was looking at myself in front of a mirror). Then, I came out my two best friends but it again took 15 minutes to start talking, fatality :eek: They took it very supportive, and said they understood I have no interest on girls long since, but just didn't presume the further but not so shocked. We are also a bit experienced, as a friend came out last year. Then reading these posts make me more confident, thanks guys again :icon_bigg I'll add more as the more friends are on the line - and my family.
Glad to see you're not having too much difficulty accepting yourself. I can definitely relate to some of these feelings. I haven't had experience or much interest physically or emotionally in anyone else I've interacted with, but definitely the physical curiosity in women, then women/men and now primarily men but this is more in private [not used to checking out other people in public, especially guys.] However, I'm still unsure about how I feel, exactly, in regard to men and women, though I currently consider myself open to anything, even if I've more curiosity about other men. I want to work toward meeting other LGBTQ people in real life so I can hopefully understand myself better and just to, hopefully, make some friends.
