Perhaps it's due to my nature, to always contradict ideas, norms, etc. to support and reveal the fact that there are many perspectives one can use to analyze and aproach a situation, which has lead me to develop multiple personalities and create a perpetual sense of doubt, in regard to applying the "correct" perspective to a situation. The doubt is created because i believe each perspective holds reasonable truth. Excuse me if that sounds confusing, but what I want to establish is: is it really necessary to "come out"? Is it not possible to live an enjoyable life as a gay man without the need of bringing everyone together and announcing it to them beforehand and to everyone you meet later on? I ask because I have lived my life true to myself, through self-expression. I noticed i wasn't like other boys ever since i was in 7th grade, when my likes in general were different. I remember i preferred watching naked men rather than women, although i can honestly say i did feel strong crushes towards a few girls. I noticed i started liking naked men, after never succeeding to form a relationship with the girls i liked, which was around 8th grade. I kept that a secret of course. As i progressed through life, i noticed that being gay was quite a dramatic and significant issue. I learned to be scared to admit I was gay, because i felt like people would judge me for the worse or far worse, bully me, but i was too stubborn to suppress my individuality and kept exercising its expression. Thankfully, i was never severely bullied. I did have some friends who gave me a hard time, but all in healthy fun, and it was rare the ocassion in which someone asked me if i was gay. Extremely rare. Not until i was in 11th grade that i thought to myself, that it was plain obvious that i was gay and people noticed it, but they didn't care/mind or perhaps they perceived me as just weird because i never did something as provocative as having a boyfriend, performing sexual acts, or behaving like your stereotypical gay. I was a studious, calm, friendly, and happy guy except i was a bit elegant and liked to make fashion statements, like dying my hair and dressing a bit more femenim. The point is no one has ever made me aware that they have a problem or a doubt about the person i am and i have not supressed myself. On the contrary, recently, those who figure out i'm gay or have the question in their head, approach me and find a way to let me know they're fine with it. As a result, i feel it is unnecessary for me to have to inform everyone that i'm gay because eventually they will know or if they care enough then they will approach me, which seems a lot more fitting. However, i do have this small negative feeling, that i'm getting by with my life without doing the "coming out". What i would like to know, is: will it affect me in any way, if i decide to allow people to figure it out on their own rather than me telling them? I've never had a boyfriend, and i feel as though when the day, in which i need to present a boyfriend, comes I will not know what expect! I mean I am certain that the people who know me, are aware that im gay (those who i have not told). As i mentioned, they have even approached me to tell me it's fine, including my mother. I have not admitted it to most of them though, i just simply laugh because it feels like a smarter move. Therefore, do you guys think it will save a lot of negative reactions and emotions for me to take the time to assure them now rather than doing it with a boyfriend standing next to me? My only concern is my mother and, somewhat, my step-father, because my sister knows, so everyone else can go to ...somewhere. :bang:
Coming out doesn't have to be a big announcement to everyone. In my case, for example, I'm out simply by virtue of the fact that I'm not actively hiding anything - most of my friends found out I wasn't straight when I introduced my girlfriend to them, and if any random person were to flat-out ask (which has never happened to me) I would tell them. So I'm not waving rainbow flags around, but I'm not afraid to be myself either. How and when you choose to tell people is entirely up to you. You may just feel ready one day, or you may one day simply feel tired of not talking about it. It is true that it's easier to find a partner if more people know you're gay, but finding a partner is only one of many things to consider when deciding whether you're ready to come out (or simply to be open about who you are, as I explained).
There seems to be a bit of confusion over what "coming out" entails. Many picture it as a grand "event". The day you climb up on your metaphorical soapbox, put on the rainbow shirt, and tell the world you dig guys. The event ends with a change in Facebook status, the addition of a rainbow sticker to your car, and perhaps the blaring of "It's Raining Men" from said car speakers. The truth is - that's not what "coming out" is all about. It's simply not living the lie. It's being honest with people. What you're doing isn't wrong at all. My only issue with people who go this path are those who always seem able to deflect or twist things around so they can live by the "letter of the law" while ignoring the spirit. Some examples: "He asked me if I had a girlfriend, and I said no. That's the truth, because I don't have a girlfriend - I have a boyfriend. But since he didn't ask if I had a boyfriend, I didn't have to tell him." "He asked me what my type of girl was. And I told him I like girls who are fun and adventurous. Which is true - that IS the type of girl I like. I wouldn't be sexually interested in them, but that's not what he asked." "I introduced Fred as my roommate. Which is true - he DOES live with me. I didn't mention that he was my boyfriend, but I didn't lie at any time." It's when people make moves like this that I think they're being disingenuous. They're not being honest - they're playing word games in order to avoid having somebody find out. And I can accept that if somebody feels in danger, or if they feel their life will really be negatively impacted if this person finds out. But to then claim that "I'll tell anybody who asks" is hardly accurate. Lex
if you're living in such a way that makes it obvious of your orientation, then i don't see any reason in denying it when people ask. if you're confident in who you are, and people guess it anyway, you don't have to make any sort of announcement but as you begin looking for guys to date then it would be easier if they knew you were available. but kudos for having the courage to express yourself so freely, it must feel liberating to have that sort of confidence.
I also have quite similar points. Though I like naked men rather than women, I'm still questioning because I don't have strong emotions towards any gender in daily life. People are aware I'm somehow different from other boys - like manners etc., but there are not many clues about my sexual identity. From the outside I don't seem as a gay, actually my lifestyle resembles an asexual one. I just do what Lexington describes, twisting things around. My courage has been enough for this only. I never thought telling someone about my questioning but when it's the time to come out, I think it's a right for my friends and family to learn it directly. Nevertheless, I don't think "twisting things" is a really dishonest thing - at least doing it to distant acquaintances. They'll learn it somehow by guessing it, seeing me with a boyfriend one day or learn from others etc. If they are concerned enough, they would ask directly; if not, it's not necessary to tell everyone immediately when unnecessary. So I have the middle-of-the-road opinion: Tell the friends & family, don't care others much - they'll learn somehow.
Thank you guys, since it's a relief for me to hear other people's opinions. I have decided that i will come out to my mom whenever i feel the time is more convenient for her. I want to be considerate that it won't take her up by storm, which may not make sense since i mentioned she'd be fine with it, but i have a sensation that she'll still be a bit disappointed. Perhaps not with me, but with herself. You guys have made it pretty clear, for me, that there isn't anything wrong with how i'm living life. As individuals, that's what we all are wether we are gay, disabled, etc., we strive to live a happy and self-fulfilled life, but because we are all unique our approach to achieve this will vary, nonetheless it doesn't make any of us any less special. I didn't notice this and seeing how different other gays' lived their life and how different their experiences were in comparison to me, influenced me to think that perhaps i was doing something wrong. Thanks to your opinions and comments, i now believe i'm not. I honestly had not discussed this or anything in relation to this with another gay man/woman, maybe because 95% of my close friends have been straight girls. This was very refreshing. Chandra: Thanks for clearing most of my doubt. Lex: The 2 things i consider when deciding to twist things, are: 1) will this person make my life miserable? 2) will this person hurt me? Although i do believe in being true to yourself, that quickly changes when it goes from being confident and enlightened to feeling like a martyr. I'm happy and comfortable with how I live my life, being a gay man. I definitely find it necessary to keep the jerks, and potential jerks in a shade of grey, because they will interfere with my happinness and people like that should simply be non-existant in one's life. If people come looking for trouble, it's clear that im gonna lead them to the path that takes them farthest away from me. Other than that, people are welcome to know about me. Addie: I dont think it's fair that credit should be favored upon the brave and not the smart. I can also say to you, what i replied to Lex. However, I do find it very flattering that you think my life to be liberating. Thanks.
I don't think it's necessary to come out. Not if you're living your life the way you want to. Even if you were to have a boyfriend, it isn't necessary to 'come out'. You simply show up at home with him - and introduce him as your boyfriend. It won't take more than a nan second for people to figure out you're gay without you making an announcement to 'out' yourself. But is that the way you want to do it? That's the question. The fact that you've lived your life as you've wanted to so far is great. In my case, I'd been married for 9 years and had 2 daughters when I came to realize and accept that I was gay. For me, I felt people needed to be told. I would have felt awkward. I needed to make the change in my life 'official' to those who knew me as a straight male - my friends, family and coworkers. But I certainly didn't HAVE to. I simply could have started to talk about my new boyfriend and let everyone fill in the blanks. I just figured that they were entitled to a bit of an explanation, and a bit of a heads up.
