I feel like I am too old to be going through this (30!). When I was in high school, like 14 to 17, I started coming out, but then for various reasons I kind of went back in the closet and just tried to brush it off as an embarrassing phase. Over the years, I have hooked up and had sex with other girls, mostly while intoxicated and mostly in the context of a threesome kind of experience. I am not proud of this behavior, but it is what it is. I have had lots of male sex partners, but I have only had one boyfriend and it only lasted like 5 months. Sex with guys is ok, but it bothers me that I feel like I need to drink in order to have sex. I mean, I do find guys attractive and they turn me on, and I have had orgasms with guys...but, I don't know, I have not had as much sober sex as buzzed or drunk sex and I feel like I use alcohol to be motivated to have sex. And I don't want that. A year ago I decided I would stop being so promiscuous and only have sex in the context of a relationship, and I haven't had sex in that year. At the same time I am a stripper (have been for years) and I am exposed to hot women all the time. At the club most of the girls kind of rub up on each, make out, or more for a variety of reasons. Some girls are "gay for pay" (just doing to sell lap dances) and other girls are gay or bi and just having fun (while selling lap dances, lol). So I engage in this kind of behavior all the time, and it is fun, but I could never grow the balls to approach anyone about hanging out outside of work. It is super frustrating and I am so secretly jealous of all the girls who hook up with or date girls in their personal life. At the same time I would go to gay bars with my straight friend (who I never talk to about my interest in having an actual relationship with a girl) because she is friends with a lot of lesbians...and there most of the girls are more masculine looking and I just feel like there is this huge wall where I could not admit my interest in dating girls. And I just feel kind of weird and alienated because I don't see many obviously femmey girls and it just makes me feel like a fraud or something...probably because I am terrified of admitting my interests to anyone. So I decided to go online to dating websites because they are nice and anonymous and I don't have to admit that I have never been on a date with a girls or anything. But then I feel like 1) lesbians are judgmental against girls who have interest in guys (even though I find my own interest confusing, like am I really interested in guys? I don't know) and 2) how do I admit I have not dated girls in the past (especially on my first date) to someone who may have started dating other girls as a teenager...I just feel like they would look down on me so much for it. In some ways I feel like it isn't even fair that i am on a dating website when I still feel like I have this kind of internal conflict where I am so scared of my sexuality on a relationship level, although not on a sexual level. Finally, I feel really bad about myself for being such a coward about everything because my friends would be fine with whatever choices I made about who I wanted to date, they would just be supportive and happy for me. I think that the first time i tried to come out it wasn't like super traumatic or anything, but I felt ashamed enough to be repressed for so long that I feel like I have this like mountain of like embarrassment and shame to get over. I don't know...I just feel like i need some support and encouragement right now. And I wish I had more insight into my own sexuality...like I don't know if I am gay, but the whole alcohol/sex issue is such a red flag. I don't know. :/
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. As someone who came to terms with their orientation at 35, it's not too late!!! I'm now 40, happier and healthier than I've ever been, and married to the most wonderful guy. Check out my signature! It's true! We all come to terms with this at our own pace. You're dealing with it now. Others deal with it in their teens. Others later. It's OK. And what we find is that people aren't judgemental about when we come out. That's not something that people get worked up over. They understand that this is a difficult and complex issue, and that we struggle with it. People generally understand. The alcohol / sex combination IS a red flag, and it's amazing that you recognized it and put a stop to it. Having gone a year is good, and would suggest to me that it hadn't become an addiction problem or anything, which is good. I did develop addiction problems which I had to overcome along with coming out to my wife, family and friends. The fact that you've done that while working in such a sexually charged atmosphere is remarkable. But have you considered talking to a therapist about all this? I think it would be great for you to be able to express all of this with someone in person, who is an unbiased professional, and who could possibly provide you with some advice or potential next steps. I found counselling to be incredibly valuable. I credit my counsellor with saving my life - I was that down and discouraged. With respect to meeting the right type of girl - you will. I wondered if there was someone out there who suited me too. I was in my mid 30s, had been married before, had 2 kids, was a little over weight, not particularly cool (I mean, I'm an accountant. How un-cool is that?), etc. And before very long I met this great guy - in his mid 30s, previously married, with 2 kids, a little slimmer than average, and a university chemistry professor! A match made in heaven! We've been together ever since, and got married this past August. I believe there's someone out there for everyone. And as far as being inexperienced, that's OK too. We all have to start somewhere. I dont' think anyone (worth dating) will be put off by the fact that you're just working through all of this now. Hopefully you'll find hanging out here in EC helpful too. I did! Welcome!
