Hi. I'm gay. I think. After 20 years on this planet thinking I was straight I've started realizing it might not be as simple as that. Over the past year or so the possibility that I might be gay has become more and more plausible. It sucks. But it does suck a little less each day. I've started thinking about what it might be like coming out of the closet. What people would say and in which ways they would treat me differently. It's a scary thought. The thing that worries me the most is the thought of all the doors that will close. Of course, new ones might open. I just don't think that any of those will lead to any particularly good places for me. I've always been a man's man in the way I act. I like hanging out with guys who are archetypical straight guys because, well, they're my kind of people. They are also often very homophobic. At the other end of the scale you have the feminine guys which I don't like to hang out with at all. I mean no offense to anyone who identifies themselves with that particular stereotype, but I guess I'm old fashioned in the sense that I think men should be men and women should be women. It doesn't have anything to do with your sexual orientation in my mind. Anyway, I was wondering if it is at all possible to have a "normal life" even though you're gay? Will I be able to have straight friends who talk about chicks and parties and when to meet up for a friendly game of football? My biggest fear is that I will be forced to associate only with other gays in gay communities once I come out of the closet because no one else will have me. And as I mentioned in the opening paragraph, how will people react different to me? What sort of change can I expect?
well you are obviously older than me but i apparently have known my sexuality longer than you! lol The real deal is that some of those so called "friends" are going to act different but guess what? if they are not real friends you dont need them! Then there are the other ones who see the real person instead of the sexuality and as long as you respect them (like not hiting on them and stuff) i think you will be just fine!
The "normal life" question is an interesting and common question as people start to accept that they are gay and consider its future implication. While I have not come out yet, I have come a long way, and have spent a good deal of time considering this question. The first aspect to look at is why this matters. At first I was obsessed the fact that having a family would be more difficult, as would finding a partner, especially since gay bars are not my scene. I worried that my relationship with my male friends might change. Ultimately, I was worried that my sexual orientation would come to define me rather than merely being one small aspect of who I was. I describe myself as a guy who happens to be gay, and I worried that coming out would change that. But, I have realized that it is not important to focus on these sort of things as important as they seem. There are more than a million contingencies for which to account, but the bottom line is that if you are gay that is the way it is, and there is no way around it. Thus for all your worries, when push comes to shove, you can either accept that you are gay and try to live open the life that you always have lived and wanted or you can accept the limitations of staying in the closet. I for one have taken a look back on my life and realized that 10 years of hiding and denial had taken a toll on me, and that a lifetime more of it would be unacceptable. I won't say that your life won't change, but nobody will be forcing you to go to gay bars. That is your choice. I know a number of LGBT people and some of them are a bit flamboyant and some are butch and some are what you probably think of as "normal." Even on this site, I can think of a few bios that look like they might as well be coming from the website of a fraternity.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. The short answer to your question is - your life isn't going to change that much. The people you hang out with aren't going to change at all if you don't want them to. (If you're hanging around with a bunch of homophobes right now, I'd question why...) As Marlowe suggests, being gay doesn't define you. It's a part of you. If you're a real man's man now, that's not going to change when you come out. Unless some of that macho-ness is to compensate for the fact that you might be gay. If that's the case, once you're out you'll be able to let go of some of that and let the 'real' you shine through. I didn't come to terms with being gay until I was in my mid 30s. I've always been a car enthusiast. And when I came out and my wife and I separated, I didn't take up 'flower arranging' as a hobby. I bought myself an Audi TT roadster. And loved it! I'm not out to everyone. My relationship with my parents didn't change. My relationship with my kids didn't change. My relationship with my fiends or coworkers didn't change. If anything, they all got better, because I was being a more open, honest and authentic me. I was more comfortable in my own skin aftewards (eventually) and as a result all of my relationships are better. And with respect to those more feminine guys - there's nothing wrong with them. They're just comfortable being who they are. If they enjoy going to a dance club over a game of touch football, then that should be OK with you and with me. So try not to sweat it. We ALL worry about coming out, and we ALL expect it to be worse than it ends up being.
I can relate to what you're feeling. I'm 22 now and I've been open about my sexuality since July 2011. At first I was too scared: I had always been one of the guys, I'm pretty good at sports, I'm on my university's swimming team and I box almost everyday so I was really afraid about how other people would react and what things I'd have to sacrifice. I won't lie, you probably have to change a lot but your perspective will change, you will stick to the people who REALLY love you. I was lucky enough my two best friends (whom had always made homophobic remarks) took it really good, they even wanted to take me to a gay bar for the first time. I only got one awful experience from coming out, one dude started outing me but I was lucky enough my friends turned their backs on him. What kept me going? Family, real friends, and the hope to finally fall in love for real for the first time.
I've got season tickets to a contact sport. I even chat a bit with the team members after the matches. And yeah, they know I'm gay. I've also got some hard- and punk-rockers among my friends, as well as NASCAR fans and otherwise "masculine" guys. And I've got effeminate guys and drag queens in my circle of friends. So yeah, it's totally possible. My only advice would be that you don't push away anyone who isn't "manly manly", in the hopes that not having any "gay-acting" guys in your circle will attract more "real guys" into it. The best friends are those who accept your other friends, whatever they're like. Lex
