I can't seem stop my anxiety and depression from taking over my life and paralyzing me. I go to school for graphic design and I'm in my senior year. So far, this year has been more stressful than most, but mainly, it's due to my brain's non-stop worrying, and beating it's self up. That worrying and negativity is paralyzing me, making my school work even more difficult than it needs to be. I literally go to work on school work and just stare at it for hours, making no progress whatsoever. It doesn't help that the less progress I make means the less time I have for things other than school. So it's a deadly downward spiral where the more it happens to me, the worse it gets. It's not just school that's a problem though. It's every little thing that I think about. I turn everything into a negative where i'm telling myself, I'm the one at fault, I'm the reason things are bad. I fell asleep at 8pm last night, and because I fell asleep so early and unexpectedly, my phone died, and I missed some texts and a call from my boyfriend. He was clearly upset in the message he left because he lost his wallet and wanted to see if it was in my friend's car. He had a lot of cash in his wallet and I feel awful that he lost it. I feel really bad for not being there for him. I feel like I'v let him down. I don't think I should feel so bad about it, but I can't help but feel like it's my fault because I wasn't there to help him look for it. Also, I can only imagine that it ruined his night to not have his wallet with him, as he would have lost his ID and credit card along with a lot of cash that I know he needed. I didn't actually do anything other than not be there when he called. Honestly, I have no idea where his wallet is. I probably wouldn't have been much help anyways, and yet I still feel like I am to blame. I have stopped feeling like I'v been living in the moment. Everything is a worry about the past or the future. I never think about what's going on now because I'm either trying to stop something from happening in the future, or make up for something stupid in the past. It's ripping my life apart. I feel like I have lost all self-confidence and, where I used to be good at school, and could finish projects in the time they were due, I am no a neurotic mess, constantly worrying about everything, and beating myself up over even the smallest things (like burning toast). Lately I'v been feeling like I just need to cry but I can't, there's no time, too many things to worry about. I just don't know what to do. Does this sound like I'm actually depressed and that could be the cause of all of this. I shouldn't be depressed other than feeling a little overworked from school (and I shouldn't really feel overworked, because i'm not, I just can't keep up because of the worrying and paralysis). I have a boyfriend who loves me (yet lives a ways away, so I only get to see him every 2 weeks for the time being). I still have some friends still at least, though I never get time to see them because of all the school work. (I did lose a lot of friends this year, I feel very alienated from my classmates) I guess that's all I could think of for good things in my life right now. What do I do? How do I stop being so negative and anxiety ridden all the time? Life wasn't always like this. I used to be happy and calm, I want to be like that again. Sorry this is so long.
This almost sounds like something I could have written. I've been feeling the same way for a really long time and I finally put myself into therapy over it and I guess I would recommend the same to you. I feel like it has helped me a little bit but it definitely isn't the magic bullet I was hoping for. Personally, I feel like only medication is going to help me because I sometimes suffer from pretty extreme panic attacks too, which I don't know if that's true in your case, but it sounds really similar and I just can't cope with them anymore. Maybe that's something to consider.
You don't need to have a horrile life to be depressed. Mental illness (which doesn't translate into 'crazy') can strike anyone at any time. You see me here talk about how great things are going, how my husband and I are so happy, etc. but I've been SO incredibly depressed lately that it has had almost as much an impact on me as what you're describing. I sit at work and can't accomplish anything. I can't think of anything positive at all, and instead have these long and drawn out discussions in my head about how horrible I am or how horrible things are or how horrible things might get. And then the next day I'll feel a little better. And then the day after I'll feel almost normal again. It's depression. And it's not something that you should be ashamed of or embarassed to talk about or do something about. It's extremely treatable. So... make an appointment with your family doctor. Describe to him how you've been feeling and how you've been coping. This time of the year is especially bad if you're at all prone to SAD (seasonal affectiveness disorder). Perhaps he'll suggest therapy. Perhaps he'll suggest medication. Perhaps he'll suggest both. In my case, medication was the trick. It helped within a couple of weeks, and there was no turning back. That was almost 5 years ago. I've been working on weaning myself off of the medication for a couple of years now, and finally stopped taking the lowest dose possible (once every 3 days) about a month ago. I'm not sure if I'm still feeling the withdrawal or not. I'm seeing my doctor in a week to talk about it. And if he suggests that I go back on a low dose for 'maintenance' I'll be more than OK with that. It really does help. So ask for help. You're entitled. You're worthy. And the help is there. You'll be amazed at how much better you can feel.
I have had bouts of this anxiety in my life. It is terrible, and it still strikes me to this day. The constant worrying over nothing, or even irrational things is no fun. I find I need to shuffle my routine. I found when I was studying that my mind would go into over-drive. This would skyrocket my anxiety and everything would be cycling through my head. I also had insomnia. You are not supposed to feel this way. There is support available. A counsellor can do wonders, just having someone to vent your issues with. There is no need to worry about things that are out of your control.. your bfs wallet issue is not your fault, and its his mistake.. you aren't expected to be responsible for his responsibilities.. you get me? I always find that a new environment can do wonders. When I was studying, I would go to the campus to study. If I stayed at home, there were too many distractions. I made a routine and exercised daily. I would walk to the campus through the Japanese gardens and absorb its tranquil surrounds. Sometimes a night off from everything to relax is better than another night of restless/unproductive study. You can only do so much. Try and push the thoughts out that worry you.. if its out of your control, there is no need for worrying.
Good Advice Ukeye. I wish I could take a day off, but sadly that seems to be one of the major problems with school and life right now. I don't get a day off. Every day I come to school, is a day I have to add something to my todo list. That list never gets any shorter. It feels absolutely impossible to get caught up on anything because i'm constantly at least a week behind on everything. I never thought I'd say this, because I'v enjoyed college up until now, but I want to just drop out of school and forget it because it's ruining my life. It's taking every second of my life and energy from me to be in school. I need days off to myself, and I just can't get that anymore. Being constantly trapped under a ton of work that I can't seem to tackle is slowly sucking away my will to live. I hate being behind, and I hate, even more, being confused and unsure of what I am supposed to do to overcome that ton of work. How do I just get everything done?
