Help, how to find a submissive top who is into monogamous relationship?

My suggestion: Stop looking for a type of person sexually and start looking for someone who can make you happy in other aspects. It's not like people are set in stone on most of that stuff. You can meet a nice manly man who makes you feel happy and talk to him about your desires sexually, and he might be able to do what you want just because you want to.

There are things I do for my boyfriend now that I wouldn't think of doing before I met him. Not because I was trying to fit a certain type, but because no one had proposed the option to me before. People change. You have to give people the chance to do something that just pleases you, and you have to do things that might be just for them. Relationships are give and take, and shouldn't be entirely based on sex.

 

Welcome to EC!

I know people who insist that sexual compatibility is paramount. That they want a guy who looks a certain way and acts a certain way, and have definitely decided that no other type will do. If you're in that realm, all you can do is start vetting people as you meet them, or advertise for precisely what you want. "Closeted Christian bottom seeks hot masculine submissive top for BDSM, etc etc". But you probably won't exactly have a ton of guys knocking down your door, just because your ideal guy and relationship is very narrowly defined.

As a vague side note (just because it's somewhat related), I've noticed that guys in this position often end up rather depressed, and often seem to live in this odd dichotomy. They seem to think nothing of the fact that they have this ideal type - like a young, hot, masculine guy with a great income and the same hobbies and favorite TV shows. And then, if they somehow manage to find somebody like this, and the guy isn't interested...then it's the guy who's being "narrow-minded". "If he could look past my rather plain looks and social issues, he'd see what a good person I am inside. But he's too shallow to do that." In other words, the hot guy is supposed to be "open to different types of guys"...so that the guy who in only interested in guys like him apparently won't have to be.

Which sort of leads to what Taylor is discussing.

It's easy to get caught up in a fantasy world, where there's an ideal guy, and thinking anything less is "settling". But the thing is - you can't measure people on a scale. There's no telling how you'll feel with people until you actually start interacting with them. It's amazing how many people have ended up falling for people who aren't their "type". Not because they felt they'd never find their ideal guy and had to settle for less, but because they met somebody, found themselves attracted to them, and just went for it. And as Taylor said, in a stable happy relationships, guys are much more likely to try things outside their comfort zone. God knows I've tried things with my partner I never would've done with anybody else...simply because he's my partner.

Lex

 

Johnjohn unfortunately you remind me of the man I am divorcing....

I think you are over thinking things... and I think sex might be a little too important to you...

Start looking at people for their personality, not sexuality...

 

Don't worry about what to wear to the Grammys until you finish recording the song, yes no?

Lex

 

You sound like a very interesting person.

Im sure many people havent even considered what you're talking about. There are plenty of people out there willing to try new things but, obviously, as you have already figured out, you have to find a compatible personality before anything else (if you want good sex). But I think its pretty obvious that once you've found that, the rest will fall in to place.