Hello, I am a 19 year old, and I am in a university. I am gay, but one could never tell that I am I look like a stereotypical social person (if that exists?). However, I tend to be very quiet and not assertive. Throughout high school I felt like a complete outcast: as if I could not fit in anywhere.. I had friends, and a few best friends, but I always felt like I was looking from the outside-in. I never went to parties. I never regularly hung out with friends. No matter how hard I tried, I just did not know how. All I did was stay in my room and study. I was also a very fat kid. Going to college was suppose to be "my time": my time to have lots of friends, my time to feel like I belong, my time to have fun, my time to lose weight, my time to look good, my time to be me, and my time to "live." However, that has not turned out to be the case. I feel like I have continued the same pattern that I did before I came to college. I have no friends here; I spend 95% of my time by myself; I lost a little bit of weight, but I am still fat. The semester is almost over, and I haven't made a single friend. It sucks. I mean, I think I am a nice kid...I love people...I accept people, but I am always the lonely one. I can't stand it. I feel like I am wasting my life. I don't want to do that. I don't want to look back on my college years and say "wow, that sucked." I have taken advice from other people: join clubs, be the first to say "hi," accept all invites from people, don't look desperate, try to be one-on-one with people...but no matter how hard I try, I just cannot make a single friend. . :bang: I have joined two clubs, tried to be as outgoing as possible (but not enough to be considered annoying), tried hanging out with people outside of club events, however, I still feel like an outcast. I am still quiet because I don't want people to think that I am annoying, clingy, or "weird". I still feel like I will never fit in anywhere in this damn university. I can have the best educational experience (I make straight "A"s), but all of that is worthless unless I experience life. I wanna have fun. I wanna have friends. I don't know what more I should do. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm still going to do my best to make friendships (because that is all I can do), but I am really discouraged at this point. Making friends is something that most people take for granted; it also happens to be my biggest goal for college, but that goal seems so far away. :icon_sad: If anybody has any advice, I would deeply and sincerely appreciate it.
I think it might help if I got you to answer a couple of questions for me. Answer it anyway you want to. How does a friendship start? How does a friendship develop? What are the qualities of a potential friend, and of a good friend? Lex
How does a friendship start? How does a friendship develop? What are the qualities of a potential friend, and of a good friend? How does a friendship start? I believe a friendship starts when you find things in common with other people; it may also start out of being exposed to another person in a higher frequency than most other people in life. How does a friendship develop? Sorry, I honestly do not know how to answer this question, but I'll try. I guess a friendship will develop the longer individuals interact with each other. I also think that they develop with an increase in trust. What are the qualities of a potential friend? I am not sure about this one. What are the qualities of a good friend? I guess a good or "ideal" friend is caring, nice, accepting, fun, positive, and out-going.
Among the many things people have advised you to do, have you ever considered getting a personal trainer? For people who are overweight, the gym can be a very intimidating place. But for people who work out, the gym is a great social environment and is a great place to meet people. And that is where the personal trainer comes in. If you find someone you have fun with, and dedicate yourself to seeing them at least 2 to 3 times per week, then not only will it help you build your confidence, improve your health, and lose weight, but it is also a good practice in how to build platonic relationships with other people. I am not saying you need to be BFFs with your trainer, but it is easier to be social and a little more outgoing when you are focused on an activity. My current trainer I have had for over a year and even though I often hate his workouts, we crack lots of jokes and I always end up having fun.
Your answers seem pretty sound. So give it some more thought. Where are you tripping up on the friend front? Are you not finding any (or enough) common ground with people? When you run across some potential friends, do the relationship just not develop the way you expect them to? Lex
Do you wall yourself off when you socialize? Care what they think? Do you focus on enjoying your time together, or hole up in negative energy or keep distracting them from thinking about you? It's hard man but stick with it. It'll go away, I promise. This anxiety shit is so annoying and hard to deal with but don't let it control your life.
I know I'm not the only person who found the first semester at university to be really hard. Like - really hard. The fact that you're doing really well from a grades perspective is admirable, and not something that you should diminish at all. It's hard work. Good for you. For me, I didn't make any really good friends in university until I was in my 3rd year. That's when I entered the business program - which was relatively small compared to the general arts program that I'd been in for the first 2 years, and where I spent every class with the same group of 60 people. I was 'forced' to get to know people, which helped. But these were also people that I could relate to. They had the same interests as me. The same academic ability as me. THAT is when I met people who I could really relate to. 19 years later, my best friends are the ones I met in business school. In my 3rd year. So as frustrating as it might be, give it time. Keep doing what you're doing - but perhaps change some things up. Are you living on residence? Or commuting from home. Commuting from home makes it tougher to really get to know people. But it can be done - that's what I did. Maybe you need to consider a different club. Is there a GSA at your university? Maybe you want to join that and see what it's about. Also - don't get worked up about how this is supposed to be the best part of your life. It isn't. Every part of your life will be different, and as good as you make it. I'm now 40 - and I'd say that THIS is the best part of my life so far. And I don't say that to depress you - that you've got years to go. But to suggest that it's not all down hill after university. Because that would be depressing - especially if you're not having a really amazing time (yet) at university. Good luck! And keep us posted.
BushHippie pretty much explained it. I pretty much do most of the stuff in this post. I do put a wall up when I socialize. I close myself off; and when I do engage in socializing (which I have tried A LOT lately), I'm always afraid that I seem awkward to everybody else. I REALLY, REALLY care about what they think. It sucks a lot, since being a social person is something I have been committed to achieving. I hope it does get better. I'm pretty optimistic, but kind of scared...Hopefully, I get over it through hard work...
Agree with all of the above. Also, worth noting, as I believe Jim mentioned, the first semesters of college are really hard. Please try and not be so hard on yourself and give it some time. One thought - is it possible you are too wrapped up in your own thoughts to really open yourself up and/or be present in your conversations with others? I used to constantly monitor my own thoughts - could this seem gay? would someone cool say that? etc. I think in doing that I seemed inauthentic and probably was not a good person to have a conversation/friendship with.
If you're really worried about how you're coming across, then that might be your problem right there. Do your best to focus on THEM when interacting with your would-be friends. Listen close to what they're saying, and ask some good questions to keep the conversation going along interesting channels. If you do that, they'll simply remember that you're a good conversationalist. Lex
Remember that you aren't alone in this problem either. Everyone has it at least to a small degree and everyone is capable of fixing it. Hard work? Eh, kinda but don't think of it that way. Just think of it as coping with a temporary pain. We hang out and congregate to relax!
Wow, you pretty much posted the story of my own high school and college experiences. (except for the straight-A thing...awesome job, by the way!). Know that many at your school are probably in the same situation, and that you are not alone in that respect. It's incredibly tough going to a college with thousands of new faces that you don't recognize, and many students who have formed their own social groups because they had gone to high school or even middle school together. I commend you for joining clubs and trying to make friends, and understand completely how you are frustrated with not feeling like you fit in at all, but not everyone is endowed with the abilities to enter the social scene or make friends easily (and lacking these abilities is NOT a flaw). People like us need time, and find the pace of college social life too fast to be comfortable. Hate to say it, but the primary reason we go to university in the first place is to get an education, and you're obviously doing extremely well in that respect, so you should not consider finishing college with a 4.0 but without having had as good of a social life as you had wished a worthless pursuit.
As a person who spent the vast majority of my time socializing in undergrad, I feel like that was wasted time! I got kicked out of the honors program my freshman year, and I graduated with a 3.1 or something else non-steller. And I don't even talk to any of those people anymore. Definitely getting a 4.0 is so worth it.
