My friend Andrew have been close friends since freshman year. Sometimes he'd do gay things to me, but after I came out to him this past February. I remember that after I came out to him as bi I said "Got a problem with that?" and he said "No, no it's fine" so it's great he was accepting of me. Well since we're close he always friendly flirts with me, but it's always in front of someone or a group of people. Since we have the same history class, he always used to friendly flirt with me. He's always tell me stuff like "You're beautiful" and I'd always play it off, even though I have a major crush on Andrew and I think it's awesome he called me beautiful. However, like all guys in my school, I think he's str8 and kidding around with me, even though he knows I'm bi. But I'm not going to assume anything since I don't know his sexuality, and I don't want to assume he's straight either. Because on his Facebook once I saw that as his Interested In log he had men and women, so I assumed he was bi like me. Thus, I talked to him on chat and I asked him if he was bi and he said no; so I said sorry and he replied with a heart which is also cute. However, not everybody in my history class knows I'm bi.... (Me and Andrew only have the same history and geometry classes together; he has it with my teacher the period after I do. Once I had to finish a Geo quiz we took and I saw my teacher's next period class roll in. After I finished it and I walked toward the door I saw Andrew roll in; he told me "Donald get to class" and I blew 2 air kisses at him--to show him I like him more than friends--but he kept talking...) So should I ask him if he's gay? And if I should how should I ask?
Apparently I didn't respond to your last post quickly enough. Your concern there was about obsessing over Andrew - and I suggested that you really need to just leave the topic alone. So I'll say here that there's no correct way to ask someone if they're gay. If they are gay and they aren't ready to come out, they're going to say no. If they aren't gay, they're going to say no. If they are ready to come out, they likely would have told you already, because you're already out to them. So I'd say just leave it alone. Don't ask him. Appreciate his frienship and be as supportive as you can be as a friend, and let him come out to you when he's ready (if he's anything other than straight).
Thanks for answering this question and my other one too. I actually wanted to delete the other question--since I made some mistakes in it, but I don't know how to--but now that you answered I don't think it's right. Pertaining to moving: In February my cousin wants me and my mom to move in with her 40 minutes away. We're BOTH--my mom, me, my cousin, her 2 kids, her 1 granddaughter--in a financial tight spot, and she thinks by merging us with her (even though my moms bf is in jail at $300,000 bail [my cousin's excuse for us moving is that "What if he gets out?" and such] and that school's fine and we don't communicate with my cousins in my old neighborhood anymore. [Another excuse from my cousin was that we don't have anyone to help us now and if we move in with her suddenly ALL her problems will be solved.] Yeah right. My cousin has a 6 year old with ADD, a 19 year old with a 3 year old granddaughter and a baby's mother. Meanwhile I'm my mom's only child and I've been fine [except emotionally] for 15 years, and I've moved 3 times in my life, why move again when all our problems are solved and we're still here? People wanted me to move with my aunt in Florida this past February but I said no because things died down and he got arrested; but no one cared. All they cared about was that "where [you] are isn't safe right now" and "your mother's not doing her job as a mother" (even though she did everything DYFS was telling her and she still does) and all that. Now my cousin wants us to move in with her, her 6 and 19 year olds, and her 3 year old granddaughter. Pertaining to dating and Andrew: Yeah I guess there's no correct way. But I also have obsession, and the words "don't date anymore" to someone like me--an obsessed, emotionally displaced, fucked up and not ready to move again because of anti-change kid--is like telling Sia Furler not to sing with her beautiful Aussie voice anymore. I've told myself he's [Andrew] str8 but I would soon after block those thoughts out my mind; a gay friend of mine was asking me "You still believe in false hope?" and I told him yeah; it's impossible in this world to be close minded with all the things that have changed and all the barriers we've broken through from about 1965 to now. And also, freshman year I made a video on Youtube about a gay friend of mine--it was Andrew--and the day after I made it he asked me if it's him. I lied to his face :bang: [I was out to him as bicurious, not bi yet so I didn't wanna ruin things] and told him no, it wasn't. But I don't remember what he asked me afterward. Thoughts on all this?
I agree with Jim. If you yourself were never in this position, I can tell you that before I accepted that I was gay it it made me super uncomfortable for anyone to even allude to the fact that that I might be gay. I don't think this is the right way to do it. Everyone has their own timeline. I think the best thing you can do is give him plenty of openings to discuss his sexuality with you. For instance, you could share your own story with him, which not only expresses a measure of trust in him but also might allow for him to connect to the things he is feeling right now. I would also examine your motives for asking him. I get the sense that you more than a bit infatuated with him. Thus, if I may be blunt, I wonder if part of your motive is not selfish in that you want to know if he his bisexual so you can have the possibility of a relationship with him. I don't want you to take this as judgmental because heavens knows love has made me do some stupid things. But, the fact is that you wrote a lot about the crush and no so much about wanting to help him and support him if he is struggling, which I think speaks to what is your primary motivation.
Ok Marlowe I just typed an extremely long reply but it never posted so I'll say this. I'll tell him if he ever needs a helping hand, shoulder to cry on, or a motivator, I'll be there for him. Also for as long as I've known him I've wanted to open up to him but I've never known HOW... he's not sensitive and he doesn't show his emotions like I do, so it's tougher opening up to someone like him.... I've wanted to be close to him for a long time but he's never opened up either. And infatuation IS a crush so how can I be more than infatuated with him? And I've told him part of my story; only that I'm bi and a songwriter. But that's the problem... every time I want to open up to him more he always talks to some of his other friends. ---------- Post added 30th Oct 2011 at 05:14 PM ---------- Marlowe you're right. I'll tell him that if he's willing to come to me about anything, that I'll support him and help him through things. Also infatuation IS a crush.... which I'm trying to stop quick. And I will help him if he's struggling with things but he hasn't opened up to me about his life. And I kinda have by coming out to him and telling him I'm a songwriter--every time I stress I write songs about the stressing things and it helps--and that I wrote a song or 2 about being closeted and bicurious. So far, since freshman year, I've talked to him a lot. But I've wanted to open up to him for as long as I can remember us knowing each other; I just haven't known ever known when the time was right. But first my goal for this year is to tell him I want to be more than just friends, I want to be close friends. For true friends, I never rush things. I know it seems I do, but I've gotten over the hump of desperation and neediness. I know it never works for even the smartest people, and it won't for me. I have to show people what I want to be and do in life, and the things I want to do. NEVERMIND about the long reply because Marlowe it's THIS ONE not the one I posted before!!
