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deep, enigmatic issues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by peep, Oct 31, 2011.

  1. peep

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    hello everybody. my story isn't so much a drama as it is a mystery- one that i have been trying to solve for years.

    i am a 22yo male, fresh out of college. i have always considered myself straight, but at the same time i am blessed/cursed with a talent for self control that borders on timidity- i am one of the most open, outspoken people around yet when it comes to girls i never really pursued my inclinations. (though my sexual impulses have never felt very strong) my wild personality and heterosexual shyness has always led my friends and acquaintances to believe me closeted gay, and this has caused a lot of self-questioning and doubt over the years.

    during college i fell into a terrible, private depression- i could interact with others fine and play along with the game, but alone i was tortured by terrible restlessness and frustration. i became body image-conscious and lost a terrible amount of weight, and my natural impulses slowly began to dull...my appetite, once ferocious, disappeared altogether. i became severely constipated (once every 1.5 weeks at its worst point). i stopped masturbating (always straight porn up to this point), and eventually lost the ability to feel horny.

    these problems all continue on to the present day, though they are somewhat less severe than in the past. when you live without basic impulses like that, you paradoxically begin to become more impulsive as you try to do anything to stimulate yourself into feeling...

    about a year and a half ago, i met my current girlfriend. she is a very sexual individual, well versed on all sorts of gender/sexuality theory that i cannot begin to wrap my head around, identifying as mostly straight/a bit queer. her sex drive is extremely high. mine is nonexistent. i lost my virginity to her the night i met her (at age 21) and didn't feel a thing. no sensation. no feelings of arousal. i could get it up to about 75% capacity, but i would always come in less than 20 seconds. it has been humiliating. i know how to please her now, but i am still unable to get any pleasure from sex. the fact that two people like us are still together is a testament to the power of love, probably.

    i have had "real" sex with her only once, on marijuana. i don't know why, but something about the weed just set me off and it felt amazing. i haven't been able to recreate that feeling since...

    she is understanding of my plight and has allowed me some leeway to figure out my sexuality/loss of impulse issues. unfortunately, it turns out that i have the same problem trying to get down with other girls as well.

    just this last weekend, a (gay) friend of mine was talking to me about my problems as such, and gave me his honest opinion: he thought that i had an element of queerness to me that i had been repressing subconsciously, hurting my overall health. i had thought of this idea in the past, and being the reckless guy that i am i more or less challenged him to try and bring out my inner homo. conquer my inner fears or whatever.

    so we got drunk and fooled around. nothing too intense, but still- i did things i NEVER thought i would do :lol: the only problem was...i didn't enjoy any of it. i wasn't aroused in the slightest, and was pretty much forcing myself through with the whole gay hookup just to see what happened. i actually feel kind of proud that i went through with it, but overall i can hardly call the experience enlightening.

    i'm not sure what to make of all this; perhaps you more experienced closeters can lend me your insight. do all my problems stem from my longstanding depression, or can sexuality not be utterly "disabled" in such a dramatic way? similarly, i don't know what to make of my experience- is fooling around and experimenting when your impulses are dead totally pointless, or should i take this as a lesson that i am not "suppressing" any buried homosexuality?

    i need to get myself to a therapist :bang: life is weird without basic impulses...what do you guys think of this mess?
     
  2. ukeye

    ukeye Guest

    Hi Peep,

    Sounds to me like you do have a queer subconscious side. Your sexuality sounds quite dormant as if it needs an awakening.

    You are close with your gf emotionally.. but its quite possible that sexually it is not for you. Sex isn't everything though ya know. Were you honest with her about fooling around with the other guy? I'm not surprised you weren't aroused with him.. you would have felt guilty and really this sounds like someone you did not overly feel an attraction for.

    I would definitely suggest getting some counselling. You need to talk this stuff out. You may need to start being a bit more open to what you find attractive.. look at men and women and see how you feel about them.. is it women parts or man parts that excite you more.. keep it simple for a while. Sounds like you have a good honest relationship with your girlfriend, so it might be worth telling her that you think u have a slight interest in men and trying a few different things. :slight_smile:. If you had smoked some pot before hooking up and all was gravy, it could be because you were uninhibited and free of the anxiety you usually experience with uncertainty etc.

    The answer is inside you, and loving yourself will bring it to the surface.. really get someone to talk to I reckon.
     
  3. Daisy1

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  4. Chip

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    I'm not necessarily hearing any indications that you're gay or bi, nor am I particularly hearing indicators of depression, though, to be fair, you also haven't said enough to really give any indication of that either.

    What I do think is the case is that you are probably not very in touch with your emotions, and that, in turn, can have a pretty dramatically limiting effect on your sexual drive. So it's possible there's an underlying depression affecting your access to emotions, or it's possible there's no real depression, just something blocking emotional openness.

    Therapy is an excellent idea, and another might be to do a weekend workshop focused on being more emotionally open. Depending on where you are, there may be some happening around your area, or within driving distance.

    Feel free to amplify more on what's going on for you here, or if you want to talk to me or any of the other advisor team, feel free to message us individually as well. You're on a healthy path of self-exploration and that's always the first step to solving these sorts of issues.
     
  5. Fluffster

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    I hope you find a good therapist. :hugs:

    when I was depressed, well, among other things I ate a ton, slept a ton, and could barely even masturbate (not sure if I even did). Then the antidepressents came along and, bam, there were no more orgasms for a long, long time. I was happy to come off of them, if nothing else just to get aroused again.
     
  6. peep

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    i actually exercise a ton, eat very well, go out often with friends, the whole shebang. i was on antidepressants for 1 week a long time ago...but i'm not so much into zombification so that ended quickly. taking the antidepressants actually felt like taking ecstasy-lite or something, which i took as a kind of a sign that i didn't really need them.

    on paper i'm doing everything right, but it hasn't really solved anything. there is something holding me down that i cannot wrap my mind around. compulsive emotion suppression? who knows. my eyelid is twitching even as i type this.

    i suppose this whole thing is more about depression than glbt issues, huh...i'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.
     
    #6 peep, Oct 31, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2011
  7. Jim1454

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    Good luck with the therapist. Be sure to be open and honest about everything. Don't hold back. You never know what might be driving all of this.

    Having said that, there's certainly something going on.

    You fooled around with a guy, and while you didn't enjoy it, presumably you were aroused? And were there issues of premature ejaculation with him? I'm not sure many straight guys would agree to have sex with their gay friend, unless they were extremely open minded.

    But as Chip has said, it's tough to really know or what to tell you. Talking to an unbiased profession will likely help.

    (My only other comment would be on your 'zombification' crack. Antidepressants are extremely effective for many people, and do not result in you feeling like a zombie. There are often side effects, especially as you first start them. And it's unlikely that you would have experienced any of the benefits if you only stuck with it for one week.)
     
  8. Robert

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    Possibly asexual. Maybe have aspergers. I dont know I'm not an expert.