Hey guys, I think it's been about a year since my first and only post. I'll just do a quick recap of my life since then to bring you guys up to date. Just FYI, I'm male and in my last year of university in a major city (don't wanna give out too many personal details). So I went through a period of major depression from about November '10 to March '11, in retrospect because I was finally realizing that I liked guys and had to come to terms with being gay. I don't actually remember "actively" coming to terms with it, as my depression stemmed from me thinking I could never come to terms with it. One day I just woke up about a week into March and I was like "so what". Then I was back at home for the summer and everything was fine. At home, almost everyday I would go over in my head telling one of my best friends at university about my orientation. I wasn't sure I would actually end up telling her, but it was a major step for me in even thinking about telling someone. So summer passed pretty uneventfully and I arrived back at university. Because I haven't seen the friend that I wanted to tell in so long (she was away on exchange for an entire semester), things were a bit more distant between us, and I kind of lost all desire to tell her. I have a bunch of other friends here at university, but frankly they all have big mouths and wouldn't be able to keep this a secret. So a month or so passed, and maybe near the end of October I kind of spontaneously got really really depressed again, and for my first time went to go see a counselor. I've seen the counselor twice now, and I think I'm going to be going back to see her for the next few months. I "told" her on the first day about literally everything (by that I mean I just led her on until she guessed), and she was the first person I ever told. I was having huge anxiety issues on the way there for the first time - I was actually almost in tears before I got there because I was so worked up over what I was doing. The second time was good though - I was actually looking forward to talking with her. Ok so that recap was a bit longer than I expected, but now on to the serious problem I have which just happened a few days ago. This problem is kind of a double-whammy in that it is unexpectedly involving me possibly coming out to someone and I guess it's a "guy problem" (which is sort of hilarious for me because I never expected to come here asking for guy advice). So, for Halloween this year, I decided to follow a group of my friend's friends to their predrink and then to a gay club. This group of friends is very LGBT friendly, but it was mostly just us "straight" friends going to the predrink and then the club. So the predrink went fine and then we got to the club. It was actually the most fun I've ever had at a club in a while - the music was awesome and the crowd was really nice. And of course I didn't hook up with anyone to keep up appearances. So right before we were leaving, as I'm walking across the dance floor, I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I look around and it's this guy who's been in a bunch of my classes since first year (we're in the same program). Now, I've never talked to this guy before in my life, besides maybe like once when we were presenting a project to a class on the same day and we had to ask each other questions. I've always thought he was a really nice guy, and I suppose have a slight attraction towards him. I've always assumed he wasn't straight just by the way he handles himself, and I guess seeing him tonight at that club confirmed it. So, I was really caught by surprise when I turned around and saw him, and I just waved high really quickly and ran after my friends. He had a huge smile on his face though as if he were really glad to see me there. That's all that's physically happened so far, but I need help with what's going on in my head. So, first of all, since we've never talked to each other before, what would be his motive in tapping me on the shoulder at the club? It's of course not like we're friends. I guess it could be completely non-sexual and just wanted to say hi, or does he want something more? Second of all, and building on that, I would ASSUME he assumes I'm not straight, seeing as he saw me at this club? Now of course straight people go to gay bars/clubs all the time, but I'm guessing he probably is AT LEAST questioning whether I'm straight. This thought alone of someone who I see almost everyday in real life having these thoughts about me is kind of too much for me to handle right now, and on top of that it's someone who might possibly be interested in me and vice versa.... Or I could just be neurotic and overanalyzing everything that is happening..? Furthermore, we have a couple of classes together this semester. As I said before, we've never talked in any of the classes. Basically all weekend after that incident and up until I had the class with him in it today, I was having major major anxiety issues about confronting him. I was wondering: "should i talk to him? should I ignore him as usual? would that be weird? he already made first contact..so should I follow-up? what do i talk to him about? etc." It turns out he wasn't even in class today so my near-panic attack before I entered the room was all for nothing. So that's it for now. I have that class again in a couple of days, and most likely he'll be there. So yup, I'm just not really sure what to do. If I do end up talking to him and becoming his friend, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet to be "out", but what's killing me at the same time is that if I were to have a first relationship with anyone, this guy seems like a really nice guy. Sooo, yup, that's it. Sorry this was waaaay longer than expected, but I hope some of you made it through to the end! Looking forward to hearing your comments
Hello! This was a very interesting story! And actually, if I were you, I'd be glad this happened. It may be a huge step towards your coming out. First off, I would say DEFINITELY talk to him and become his friend at the very least. Then maybe after a couple months or so, once you know you can trust him, just bring up the topic of LGBT stuff and see what he says. Then, you can make the decision from there. But, before we worry about a couple of months from now, let's talk about what's going to happen next time you talk to him. Like i said, I think you should go up to him and talk when you see him next. Then IF the event at the club comes up, don't run away, but just calmly talk through it and see where it goes. You may be worrying about nothing! Also, this could be the perfect "ice breaker' between you two! So, anyway, to recap. Talk to him next time you see him. And if you do, be sure to give us an update on how the conversation went and maybe we can help you with the next step. But for now, I think you just have to start to get to know him! Good luck! For some reason I have a feeling you're worrying about nothing!
What is the motive of him taping you on the shoulder? He's interested...that's the motive. You would be surprised at what, and who, people notice. I was at a gay club in Atlanta one time and felt the tap of a cute guy on my shoulder. "You're staying at my hotel" says he...(he was one of the bartenders where I was staying). So we chat and what not. We are still friends to this day. My point in telling you this is that friendships can spring from the most random of circumstances...even if nothing romantic or sexual happens. When you see him, take the initiative and go up to him after class and reacquaint/re-introduce yourself. Simply say you saw him the other night and had to leave with your friends..something simple. I wouldn't be anxious about it because he has already made the first move and has already expressed an interest in getting to know you.
Sounds to me like he may quite well be interested . Good work on going to the club and coming out of your shell a bit.. You are on the right path. It will be exciting to spend more time with him in the classroom.. I would not overthink things, just let them happen naturally. He obviously is keen to talk to you at least, or he wouldn't have made any contact. You don't have to tell him anything your not comfortable with, just be open to getting to know him. He probably noticed you were having a great time and though he'd say hi . Counselling is great and I bet it has helped you. Also, having friends that would actually go to a gay bar sounds like you have some good support around. Play it by ear and be natural.. if in the unlikely event he asks if you are gay, you can always say you are working that out if you are not comfortable with a yes. I feel he won't ask this though - he's seen you at the club, and whose he to know you are/aren't.
Thanks for the quick replies guys. I do suppose I want to talk to him, but he also never really seems to be alone before or after class - but that's just an excuse on my part I suppose to not approach him. My main worry, kind of what Ukeye was saying towards the end, is if he eventually asks me what my orientation is. I think I know myself pretty well, and I feel as if I'd just turn really red, not really say "no I'm straight", and just kinda trail off while mumbling incoherently. And because of a simple "straight" answer that I doubt I'd be able to give, I'm pretty sure he would figure out pretty quickly whats-up. Now, I really have no idea on his out-status or how comfortable he is with his friends, so I'm super worried if the above happens that he would tell his friends in our class/program, of which a few of them know me and I talk to them every so often. And then it's just kind of dominoes falling from there and I'm sure it would reach my inner circle of friends sooner or later (which aren't in my program or classes at all, but I can't help but be paranoid). So yeah, I know this is looking wayyy far into some unforeseen future which could never happen, but I'm really not sure if I want to set myself on this road yet, which will probably inevitably end up in him asking me that question..
So forgetting about this guy, or the tap on the shoulder, or the counsellor... What are you so worried about coming out for? You're good friends are either gay or very gay friendly in that they go out to gay clubs. It seems like an IDEAL situation for you to be honest and open with people about your orientation. So if being out is holding you back, deal with that issue first. This guy could have tapped you on the shoulder just as a way of saying "Hey - we have a class together. It's cool to run into you here!" Now, if he hated your guts, he wouldn't think it was cool to run into you here, and he would have avoided you rather than get your attention. So at a minimum, he thinks you're a decent guy - just like you think he's a decent guy. So when two decent guys are in the same class, see each other at the same gay club, and find each other to be decent guys - there's AT LEAST an opportunity for a friendship there - if not something more. Don't you agree? So as suggested, DON'T ignore him in class. Acknowledge him. And I bet he'll lose the people he's chatting with in order to speak to you in private. The very first conversation, standing there in the lecture hall, is NOT going to include what your orientation is. Instead, it might include an invitation to grab a coffee some time. And if he doesn't suggest that, perhaps you should! Like I said - it sounds ideal to me. So perhaps you need to explain to us more about why it's freaking you out.
You know what, I'm not really sure why it's freaking me out either. When walking to class the other day and just thinking about dealing with the situation, I had this really horrible deep-seated dread in the pit of my stomach, and was about to break out in a cold sweat. And right before I entered the room, I felt my heart rate and it was like I just finished running a mile. I think it's stemming from a lack of control. I've definitely had these kind of feelings before when thinking about situations like these. It's more I'm just so "in my head" that I really don't know about anything anymore, let alone why this is freaking me out. I suppose it's just kind of overwhelming at the moment dealing with this, and the fact that I've never been in a situation like this before. I don't know...I'm also just so fed up with my life right now, but just as terrified at the thought of anything changing.
Update: Well I'm really pissed at myself because I chickened out. I psyched myself up to talk to him after class today...and I just didn't, and I feel like a dumbass. I was sitting just a few rows behind him, but like I said, right as class was ending he packed up quickly and left with his friend. I suppose I had an opportunity to talk to him as he was packing up, but his friend was with him and would have heard everything I said. I feel the longer I don't talk to him, the more extremely awkward it'll get if/when I eventually do. And truly, it wouldn't have even mattered if the friend heard, because I had this whole non-specific convo planned out in my head, along the lines of: "Hey, you the one who I saw the other day? etc...?" And I just couldn't do it. And now I have to wait until next week to try again and probably fail again. I also kind of tried to make eye contact with him to try to even initiate a conversation, but he was basically just ignoring me. I'm starting to doubt if it was even him at the club and not just some random dude.. So yup..that's it. Things are stagnant as usual.
Well, you before you sounded 100% sure that it was him... But anyway, like the poster above me said, the longer you wait, you may end up regretting it. Just talk to him. It doesn't even have to be about the other night. Just in passing just say "Hey" and see where it goes.
Well, to be honest, I would have done the same thing...and I don't have a problem talking with anybody. Even for the most self-confident of us, there is a certain level of awkwardness to go up to someone you don't even know when he is with other people. No need to beat yourself up about it...normal reaction....it's simply called judging the appropriate time, and when you saw him last it was not a good time....that's all. There will be other opportunities...and sometimes you have to MAKE an opportunity. It sounds like you have a pretty good approach, you just need to execute. Maybe return the favor and tap him on the shoulder this time. Turn about is fair play after all. But, I would do it sooner rather than later. The more time passes the more the moment will be lost.
So maybe it's time to change things up. Life isn't going to 'unstagnate' on it's own. You're going to have to take steps yourself. And they don't need to be big. You're feeling overwhelmed because you're not only contemplating talking to a stranger who you think is a cool guy and potential friend / boyfriend, but AT THE SAME TIME you would be acknowledging to someone that you were something other than straight. So maybe doing one thing at a time makes more sense. And it usually makes sense to come out first, and date second. So what is it about coming out and 'changing' things that 'terrifies' you? I'm still on the page where you should just forget about this particular situation and understand for yourself why you're still in the closet and not more comfortable with your orientation. That's likely a bigger issue and why you're having trouble coping with other things.
Hey man, it sounds to me that you've got a great opportunity with this guy. My biggest regret from college is that I didn't know or take the chance to experience my sexuality. Assuming this guy in class is the same one at the club, it shouldn't be so hard to say hi to him and have some sort of conversation. As said already, the longer you wait, the harder it'll be and this guy will be thinking that you want to avoid him. He might be wondering why you didn't stop to chat with him at the club, but you can easily explain that your friends were leaving and you had to catch up to them. Seeing him at the club suddenly at the end of the night caught you by surprise and weren't sure how to react. I can fully understand, however, your frustration for not talking to him this week and that it's difficult to get into a convo with him if he's always with other people in class. Maybe go back to that club and see if he's there again. Like Jim said, maybe coming out to a friend or two or talking to the counselor is more important than figuring out this guy. Your last year of college is almost half over. Please let yourself take a chance with another gay guy while you're still young and do away with regrets. Good luck and let us know how it's going.
Thanks for keeping up with my situation guys - it means a lot. Hopefully this response won't be too long. Forgetting about this whole situation and talking about me being comfortable with my orientation, I think I've come a long way. I'm a lot more comfortable with myself than I was just half a year ago, and I don't really have an issue with identifying as "gay" just walking down the street by myself, although clearly no one knows. Then there is the whole situation of coming out and telling people. Currently, even though I have a pretty wide circle of friends and a bunch of really close friends, I just...don't really feel the need to tell them, and I'm not sure why. I'm not worried at all that they would react badly or care one bit, since in my group of friends here at university there are a good amount of not-straight people. I just don't really know why. I probably will lose contact with 99% of them once I graduate in April, except for the few close ones...and it just kind of seems futile to come out to them, although I know it would make my year a lot more enjoyable. Maybe one reason is that I feel like some distance has come between us, and I'm not as close with them as I was in previous years. I feel that I don't really have a "super good close friend" that I feel necessary to tell. Although I think I've gotten past the whole being comfortable with myself thing, the issue that I'm having trouble with right now, which is basically a direct consequence of what I wrote above, is just plain frustration and anger with my current situation. I think I really want to be in a relationship, but it's kind of impossible in these circumstances. And like one of you wrote above, I feel as if I'm in the prime of my life to be going out and having a good time, and I'm really just squandering it doing nothing...and it's really just infuriating me. Although it might be as simple as just going back to the club and having a good time, it would seriously raise some red-flags among my friends, as you all can well understand, which I don't feel like dealing with. Getting back to the whole club-guy-class situation, I've had some time to think about it, and I've kind of mellowed out now. I think it was just the overwhelming-ness of what Jim1454 said above, and kind of the emotions I had to deal with afterwards which was making me freak out over what happened. I think I've gotten over it now, and I don't really mind so much whether I talk to him or not. I'm not going to go out of my way and stress myself to go talk to him - I suppose if the opportunity presents itself then I will. I agree though that I'm worried that I'm setting myself up to look like a jerk basically, in that he talked to me and I'm basically ignoring him, but I really don't feel like confronting him in front of other people, who he basically is always with. And lastly, I'm not sure why this is all happening so suddenly, but another super minor situation occurred, which I suppose I can count as another "lost" opportunity, but I'm not fretting over it. I was at a bar yesterday for a friend's party, and one of the girls introduces me to this guy, which right off the bat I presumed (I could be wrong) wasn't straight. He puts his hand on my shoulder and a little bit too intensely asks me how my night is going. As I was surrounded by basically everyone I know, I kind of just go "good, you?" and make minimal eye contact, don't really continue the conversation, and then move off quickly to another group of people. And it's just things like this which make my mind race with questions like: "are people seriously questioning my orientation behind my back and trying to set me up with other guys?" "was that just completely random and him just being a nice guy?" "is everyone still completely oblivious and that guy figured it out within 2 seconds of meeting me?" So yup, that's it for now. Thanks for reading through another super long post. Hope to hear your guys' opinions.
i made it through to the end. the guy tapped you on the shoulder and was smiling because he was happy to see you there. maybe it was because he thinks you're cute or maybe it was just a friend tap to say hi to someone he's seen before. since you bailed out of there so fast, you wont know until you make second contact. when you see him again, just say hi and strike up convo. you can say something like, "hey didn't mean to bail on yah but had to catch my friends." you may want to do this when other's aren't around. he may not be "out" either and may not want to discuss in front of otehr people. it doesn't matter what you say. he already made the first move so it's an open inviation to say something and start a friendship. which it sounds like you need. good luck.
