Okay, let me start by saying this post is going to involve some sexual material. Basically why I'm posting this is because I have a really really hard time getting my bf off during sex, but he can do it himself very quickly. Perhaps I'm over analyzing him (I'm a psychology major after all...) but it really seems that way to me. A bit of background about his personality: He was taken away from his mother because of her drug problems when he was 5. Then he went to his grandparents, until they decided to send him off, so he went to like military style schooling, to foster care, went to 4 different high schools, back to stay with his mother, friends, and has basically been juggled from place to place his whole life with no true home. Even today he is staying in a youth home for those who need help =/ Anyway, I think because he's lacked any sense of control over all this craziness in his life, has developed some real control issues. Like whenever we go somewhere, even though its my car, he ALWAYS has to drive. Even with weird things like being gay... I tried to have a discussion about gay being genetic with him and he said that was insulting. He said something like it was insulting for someone to say he didn't control over his sexuality and that he had no choice in or something. Yeah, it did make sense to me either. But I digress... that's not really the point of this discussion, just some background. The reason I'm posting this is because, I have an insanely hard time getting him off. Usually any kind of sexual activity seems to last at least half an hour (and by the end I'm just kind of getting exhausted with it) and its just to now avail. It used to involved him getting really upset and in a bad mood after not being able to finish. However, lately instead after a while of nothing happening, he's been basically just stopping, masturbating to the point of being about ready to finish, and then resuming just to finish. Like, I like it to the alternative of him not being able to at all... but it just doesn't make sense to me. Like, I ask him what I'm doing wrong, or to show me if he's doing anything different and he says he isn't, its just easier that way. It doesn't make any sense to me. The only thing I can think of is that its some control issue, or some sort of anxiety about sex. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and it kind of takes the passion out of the whole experience for me =( I'm honestly sorry if this conversation is a bit too adult conversation or if support and advice was the wrong place for it, but I didn't really know where else to put it.
This type of convo is fine so no worries there. The problem you're describing is in my experience, really common among gay men. From my knowledge, the most frequent cause is an unconscious discomfort or lack of trust, and that seems consistent with what you've described about his upbringing. When everything in your life is constantly changing, and you learn that anything important is impermanent and you are constantly in upheaval, then, at an unconscious level, it becomes really difficult to be able to open yourself up to trust, particularly with the sort of openness and vulnerability that comes with sex. You haven't said much about how open he is to talking about this; the statement you made about his being "offended" that he doesn't have control over his sexuality is telling and also concerning; most likely he needs a lot of therapy to understand and process his control issues, but if he is open to discussing the sex issue, you might be able to help him. The biggest thing both of you can do is to reset the expectation, such that ejaculation isn't necessary or even necessarily expected. Approach the sexual experiences you have with the idea that the end goal is simply to enjoy each other, without the expectation that ejaculation is going to happen. If you can both honestly get to that place, you've removed the performance anxiety, and the fear, and, if it exists, you've restored the locus of control on whether ejaculation happens to him. Once his unconscious really feels that there's no expectation of such an end result, then, counterintuitively, it is more likely to let go of the concerns, and he's more likely to spontaneously ejaculate, perhaps with little effort from you. It takes time, because the key is building this trust with the unconscious, but it nearly always works. There are some other things you can try if that doesn't work that are in the realm of breathing exercises and self-hypnosis and such, but I'd say give this a shot first. If you want info on the other stuff later on, feel free to PM me.
Thanks, I'm about to go to bed, so this is just a quick reply. I will likely write a more in depth one tomorrow. The other thing I wanted to add about the long sessions are that it really seems to get a lot more less pleasurable as the sex goes on, and also the longer it takes the more I start to get paranoid about... well something going wrong if you know what I'm saying. I don't know if that is normal or not. However, I don't know why but I honestly am just as disappointed by him not being able to finish as he is. I know some people might interpret this about me caring too much about me caring too much about his pleasure and not enough about mine, but him finishing is kind of like my climax to the experience as well. Its a big rush to me. So, I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. Like, I guess with you saying its not a big deal is that it is even a big deal to me. However, I can move on, and still think of it as a good experience none the less. He can get very upset and just get really angry and bitchy and stuff that just totally is bizarre to me. I don't know if its cause he's embarrassed he can't finish, or he's just frustrated he can't, but he can legitimately get like really irrational and just kind of ruins the whole night, especially when I was in such a good mood before hand. It got to the point for a while that I didn't want to have sex because I knew there was a very good chance it could happen. That being said, he has gotten a lot better about keeping calm about it. And to be honest with his situation living in that youth home we haven't really had much chance to be alone at all for a while... But he's got his first day of work tomorrow and I'm excited that will allow him to move out before long =)
THIS! I know it's difficult, but you have to get over the idea that good sex involves you performing well enough to get your boyfriend to reach climax. For MANY people it doesn't work that way. I'm one of those people. Over 5 years I can probably count on one hand (and definitely on 2 hands) the number of times I've reached orgasm without me masturbating to orgasm. (Perhaps that's TMI - but it's the truth.) And it used to really bother me too. Sometimes it still does, but not often. The fact is that I had to let go of those expectations because it was really ruining any fun we were having in bed. And the fact of the matter is that we have a lot of fun in bed. Our sex life is pretty awesome - but it usually requires me to finish up for myself. So be it. My husband used to stress over it too - wondering if he was doing something wrong or he wasn't good enough. But that's simply not the case. And I'm not sure I'd call it a control issue. There are probably a few things at play. But once I let go of the expectation that he should be able to get me off, things got better.
First of all, on the topic of him being offended by not having control over his sexual orientation, after some discussion he did kind of come around to admit there was likely some sort of "predisposition," but he still claims some sort of choice about it. I think that's a way of him expressing pride. Like I think he thinks "well I didn't have a choice," is kind of an excuse for being gay, when he's like, "I want to be gay." Which is cool with me cause its kind of how I feel. Like I'm attracted to girls, but I'm only sexually interested in men. I COULD go for girls I think if I wanted, but I don't. Jim, thanks for that advice. Obviously, no pressure sex is better than having him get all emotional if he doesn't get off. Still, its disappointing to me, because I really like it =/ I wouldn't be fully gay if I didn't like cum a bit right? =P I don't know... I think I'd still rather have him get off even if it means he has to do part of it himself. Maybe I just need to not let that bother me, but it kind of does take the passion out of the experience.
I used to feel the same way with my ex-boyfriend during our early days. Mainly because he was 3 years older than me and was far more experienced. Kind of like a job interview, where at end you feel like you weren't as impressive or maybe you forgot to say a thing or two.
