I'm in a relationship with a girl but I'm attracted to guys.

Well, I would say there are two very likely reasons you are upset.

1. This one is obvious. It could be that you just would be more happy with a man then a girl.

2. It may just be the you are bisexual/biromantic and what is making you unhappy is actually just hiding it from your girl friend. Maybe if you talked to her and expressed your feelings that might make you feel better on its own. I can imagine it would only bring you closer.

No matter which of these is true, talking to your girl friend about your feelings is only going to relieve the stress you are feeling.

 

Hello Mike! And welcome to EC!


Well, as hard as it may be: sometimes it's best to give a little hurt now than let things progress and cause a lot of hurt later.

Because, basically, it sounds like right now, the best description you can find for the relationship is "really good friends, with some benefits" (by which I don't necessarily just mean sexual benefits. Just knowing you have priority access to a good friend at all hours of the day can be pretty awesome too).
That might work for a bit. It might work for a long time, even. You wouldn't necessarily be actively unhappy.

But sooner or later, it will probably come to pass that you meet some guy who can offer all of that, with the added benefit that he makes your heart jump in your chest everytime he looks at you (the fact that you were happier flirting with a guy for a month than you are in a real relationship right now is pretty telling, I think).
If girls weren't what attracted you in the first place and you were never really in love with your GF, then there is no way she can even begin to compete with this guy. At that point, it does become chosing between living a lie with your GF or breaking up, and having to come clean about being untruthful for so long. And both alternatives are ugly.


So yeah, I can't decide in your stead what to do, but if it were me, I think I'd break up and try to make it as amicable as possible. And even if an amicable split doesn't work out, it's still better than the alternatives above.

Breaking up is best done decisively (so no "I need a break in this relationship), but it could always help to stress that you tried making it work, but that you just don't feel what you know you should feel (and have felt in the past). So that you are loath to hurt her, but that she deserves to have her love returned properly, and with more than merely a sense of duty.

Coming out might be a part of that, as it would put everything in perspective for her (and also assure her it was never something she did wrong), but obviously you know her better than I do, so I think it's up to you to see what the possible results of that would be (e.g. if she would be likely to tell othr people about that part).
Coming out might actually make it easier if you share the same friends as well. It makes it easier to them too to see why things didn't work out, and makes it easier not to "take sides" after a breakup.

That's not an obligation, though. Since your profile is set to "questioning", it might be too soon to put all your cards on the table for everyone. But from experience, it is the best way to avoid ever getting caught up in situations like these.

 

Welcome to EC!

As Filip said, you can cause some heartbreak now...or you can keep the lie going, and cause a lot more heartbreak later. In fact, the sooner you break up with her, the better your chances that you can salvage a friendship with her. And that seems to be what you truly value in her - a really good friend, not a potential "life partner".

Lex

 

Welcome to EC! And don't worry about the views coming before responses, sometimes people are just thinking about what to say. Hope you enjoy it here.

I'll start with one idea - while I'm not going to make any prognostications about what your sexuality may be (gay, bi, questioning, etc.), I will say this - if you work with girls, I wouldn't imagine that it would be something you needed to put effort into to be happy with. Personally, I never had to "try" to be happy with another guy, it just happened. Guess I'm hardwired for it.

As for your girlfriend, Jon Snow had a good point, but I would add, just as a different opinion, that you may want to think about how much you're willing to explain to her. Doubtless, if you ended up breaking up and she didn't know why, it would be confusing for her, but on the other hand explaining why basically amounts to outing yourself as something other than straight, which you may or may not be ready to begin. Because of that, I don't think you would owe anyone that explanation, but who knows - while it could be complicated, it could turn out to be a good thing for you, I don't know her so it's hard to say. Just don't pressure yourself into not doing anything because you're scared of talking to her about this - that shouldn't be an obstacle for you. If you want to stay with her, that's fine too, but it shouldn't be out of fear - that way lies badness.

In any case though, I'm with Jon on one other thing - wherever your path goes next, it starts with your girlfriend. Deciding what you want to do with that situation first is going to be the least harmful and by far the most positive way to approach things.

Keep in touch, I'm happy to talk anytime! I hope things go well for you.

 

I joined just to reply to you, Mike. I am living the other end of your dilemma. You described exactly how I felt, except I was married with a kid. I find girls somewhat attractive, but the idea of a guy is so much better. I never get that heart pumping feeling from women, only men. My wife found out through a facebook message(she hacked my account, so theres something to be said about that). I felt terrible that she had to find out that way, but I convinced her I was really confused and was going back and forth. I kind of was, but deep down I knew how I really felt. I drew it out and made it even more painful for her because I didn't want to hurt her. However, we are still great friends. Being true to myself has made me much happier, and she is moving on and is happy too. Be yourself. As for telling her why, if you value her friendship she deserves the truth. If she is your friend, she will understand, but still be hurt. She should forgive you though. Trust me on one thing though. Telling yourself you will be happy with her will only hurt both of you. If you're unhappy two months in, how do you expect to feel in five years(thats how long my wife and I were together)? I hate to try and put the label to you yet, but I believe you are mostly gay. I only say this because you described EXACTLY how i felt. As for telling her, you know her, you care deeply for her, you will know best how to tell her. My wife is still my best friend, so I understand. You still find women attractive, but they don't do the same thing for you as men. Don't be afraid to be who you are, and if you care for eachother as much as you say, this may even make that friendship stronger.
Whatever happens, I wish you happiness. Good luck.

 

Agreed. I wish I found EC when I was 19 and in the early stages of my relationship with my girlfriend. In many ways my early experiences with her were quite like those you described. We shared common interests, friends, values - had a great time hanging out with each other. The sex was good as well.

Ultimately, you reach a fork in the road - do you let the relationship, which is not based on solid foundation (as you are questioning your sexuality) progress and become more serious OR do you step away.

I chose the former. For starters, being gay was just not an option for me in my mind. At that point in time, I think I would have been content being all but practically dead rather than gay. So I stayed put.

Years later, I'm left wondering what my life would have been like if I stepped off the bus. We had some amazing years together - years I wouldn't trade away. But I'm still facing the same issues I grappled with at 20 when I was in your shoes - should I leave? What am I? Am I going to destroy her life?

As painful as it is, I humbly recommend you do not allow the relationship to develop further. You can choose (i) break up and not tell her - you haven't been together THAT long and at 19 relationships break up for lots of reasons, (ii) break up and tell her - in the event you are okay sharing your thoughts with her (and whoever she tells), or (iii) tell her and stay together.

Within these three options, there are some that I think would be better for you in the long run. Nonetheless, I think any of these choices would be much better for your mental health, personal development, and overall journey towards developing an authentic life.

Of course, take my advice with a grain of salt. Happy to talk to you any time via forum, PM, or chat. Best of luck!

 

being confused is normal and its ok. you're 19. there are peopel that are 39, 49, etc. going through the same confusion. the fact of the matter is that you do not have to figuring anything out right now. right now you're in a relationship with a girl. its ok but its not exactly what you want right now. even if you did not have thoughts of another guy, you could be having this same situation and thinking about other girls. the facdt of the matter is, this person sounds like someone you like more as a friend that being 100 percent content with her. When you are confused, it's hard to be in a relationship. My advice is possibly to take a break right now if you're not really feeling the current relationship. then take time to get to know yourself and think about what you may really want.