It's about me trying to move on from romantic obsessions I have with a few of my guy friends, since I'm an openly bi guy in high school and live in a str8 small town; although it seems like it's about obsession/infatuation in general, for me I wrote it only about guys I liked. Since every guy I know (except for 2 cool guys I know and have a crush on but am too nervous to tell either of them) is str8, I've gotten hurt by a LOT of str8 guys in my school who have led me on and played with my emotions, making me feel like they love me when they really didn't give two camel humps about me.. I wrote this because I'm feeling sad, angry, slightly depressed, still in love, and I wanna cry :tears: I'd love it if anyone could critique it and give suggestions Btw I know it's kinda long and the structure is out of order, but I was in the flow of writing and I didn't wanna delete anything. I'd get confused and not know what else to write. Move On -- Donald Whenever someone walks into my world I become immersed with them, two become one The only bad part is my infatuation comes unfurled As I try to wrap it again, it comes out; I say I'm done But every time I declare I'm done, begin to move on Obsession comes haunting my mind once more Like a wicked witch making poison in the dawn And I suddenly feel mentally sore As time goes on, I slowly but surely grow Just when I fully recover It always happens again, another obstacle to sew My life becomes a downfall, as I'm quick to discover Although part of my being is out of strength Most of the time I do not have it, like with infatuation All it is is eliminating a problem at a time consuming length And when the problem's gone it becomes a saturation Because when it's at the maximum amount It's an addiction, we want to remove it too much So it's something too large to count And on it you rely like a crutch More time passes, I try and try to forget All the problems and situations That made me vulnerable, it made me let Someone use me like tree huggers to the Earth in heavy rotations I've learned my lesson, thus I am grateful, never upset Thus, now I have the will to live, more motivation But the painful memories come back to me As I try to take up a hobby, a productive thing Like Joan Crawford in Mildred Pierce, lying solely To avoid jail, as she cries out a confession, trying to sing A song of admittance, but also a song of unreality I try to move on, and yet again, the cycle of Hurt and pain I've caused myself Has come back to slap me, sent from above Like a scary moment in Alcatraz
Creative writing was my favorite class in high school, and as much as I love expressing myself through words, poetry is kind of an art that has always escaped me. I guess I just never really was able to pick up on the flow of the words like some people can. Still, I think what you have hear shows a lot of talent and potential. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work! =D
Similies are great tools for a poet, but they work best when they're used subtly and consistently. Your similies are all over the place, they don't seem to have anything really linking them together, except possibly being movie references, and that doesn't really work for me. Your stanza scheme is inconsistent. Your first five stanzas have four lines each and rhyme ABAB. The following stanzas have six, five, and four lines respectively; rhyming ABABAB, ABABA, and ABAC. Variations in stanza length and rhyme can work, but it's harder to pull off, especially as you set up a strong pattern in your first five stanzas, then deviate from it completely for three stanzas. Generally the final stanza can deviate, or there can be a switch from one pattern to another midway through, but going from tight order to chaos tends not work.
I know that the structure causes chaos, but I don't wanna delete anything... it would make the poem worse I think, and it probably would make no sense.
I think the poem's all-over-the-place-ness reflects your emotions and turmoil you are feeling at the moment. Although, with perhaps a little more practice you could quite easily do some good work. There is definitely something there.
