what could this mean? -sorry quite explicit and long-

You don't need to label yourself as lesbian or bi! I personally think that you just need to go with what makes you happy. Don't repress, just go with it. If you think you're attracted to boys, then don't let a "label" stop you from being attracted to them.

Have you ever heard the term "bi-curious"? It's usually associated with heterosexuals who are questioning of homosexual feelings they think they have but I don't see why it can't be applied the other way. I may have read this totally the wrong way but I see this in some of your post.

You don't need to know exactly what sexuality you are, just go with what makes you happy!

 

I think I kinda sympathise with you on this one, as I've been going through quite a similar thing, or at least I think I have been. I think that at the moment I've just decided not to label myself just yet, because I just don't feel "bi", whatever that is, because my feelings towards men and women are completely different, even though I have them towards both. I don't know if this is like your situation or helps or not but here we go (and a warning that this is slightly explicit):

Basically, if I'm honest, I was "fulfilled" exactly 3 times during my 5 years with my ex, and only once was this actually during intercourse, and I actually think that that was an accident (ok, that sounds silly...). But anyway, I used to have to take care of myself and then my fantasies would be heterosexual, and they'd kind of work. But anyway, recently, since I've actually begun to allow myself to see girls that way, I've completely been thinking about girls all the time, instead of men in my fantasies. But, because of the "oh my God I'm gay" factor, I then out of desperation started to look at/think about stuff with men in it - heterosexual and male gay - but kept on being drawn back to thinking about women together. So then for a bit I thought - I'm completely gay. But then now, whenever men pop into my mind in a sexual way, it worries me, because then I'm like, I'm not really gay, this is undermining my lesbian identity (does this sound familiar to you?). This is of course in spite of the fact that I've only admitted this possibility consciously for a few weeks (although these last few weeks represent a lifetime of travelling towards this point I suppose).

So, whilst I have no idea what's normal and what's not, I find myself completely confused by my fantasies and what turns me on. There was a period when it was just women - and then I actually got worried that thinking about just men would turn me on, because then I'd be right at the beginning again.

But about the whole attraction to men and women being different: when I was with my ex, I never enjoyed the sexual side really, and I remember consciously thinking to myself many times that I thought our relationship would be perfect if we were physically intimate (like cuddles and little kisses and things) rather than sexually intimate. He actually said to me once "whatever I do you seem indifferent". But I did and actually do love him. Anyway, gotta go....

 

Well at 21 I still don't think any of the labels define who I like its just an ongoing battle. I don't like labels and I don't think anybody should label themselves unless they feel comfortable with the label. I can relate to your post I'm not going to go into details because I find it embarrassing for me but just trust me when I say I can relate and you are definitely not alone. I like girls I feel fulfilled by girls but occassionally I do find a guy attractive and could even see myself with him but it just doesn't feel right when I think about it long term.

You would think I would identify as bi but I just don't think I could have a relationship with a guy especially long term like I said but I'm also afraid of labeling myself lesbian because if by some small chance I do find a guy I could see myself with, I don't want my family and friends to say oh so you are not really lesbian! They would never let it go. If I say bi then I just feel like I'm lying to myself and my family and friends because I don't feel like I'm bi.

You get the point. Sexually can be really confusing. Some people are lucky enough to have it all figured out right away while others (like us and many more on this site don't). I wish you the best trying to figure it out. I'm still trying.

 

Hey, sorry, I actually got slightly cut off cos a housemate knocked on my door and I was like, oh my God, especially as I knew they were gonna use my internet cos I've been lending it to them, which meant I had to clear stuff etc. I kinda said hold on and gave no explanation as to why it took me a few seconds to get to the door...ah well.

Anyway, I was really glad when I read your post - not because I want someone to be as confused as me - but because it made me feel less weird. And what I was going to say about my ex was that whilst my love for him was real and I am/was absolutely devastated, I don't recall *ever* being sexually interested in him. This has made me wonder whether the attraction I had was some other attachment than sexual. Although I don't know. But what I wonder is when you say you don't feel as fulfilled by men, whether that's similar to what was happening with me - fulfilled in every way but sexually. But I don't know, because I don't even know about me, so I can't really know about you either!!

But I don't know how useful it is to think about what we fantasise about/look at/read as indications of sexuality. I mean, would fantasising be in a different category from, say, what you read, or, say, what you look at? What you say about masturbation (now I'm embarrassed) I think is quite right - probably given the right circumstances, with me even, *anything* could work. So maybe this isn't a valid way of figuring this stuff out?

My thing is, I am frequently attracted to women but I really do not know whether, in real life, it would work for me. I think it would and it does in fantasies or whatever but then in fantasies heterosexual sex works with me whereas so far at least, I've found it doesn't work in real life!! And I hate it when men creep into my lesbian fantasies, because then, as I said, it's "here we go again", or before, when women creep into my male ones. I really have no idea. I don't know whether I'm gay, straight, bi or whatever. Although, actually, the fact that I'm on this board probably means I'm not straight...

With a few men I've been very physically attracted to them, but in my actual relationships with men I've been unfulfilled. I've been attracted to many, many women, not necessarily sexually - although then I don't know because maybe I was supressing - but I can find it pleasurable to think about them in that way. But sometimes, even though I look at and think of women all the time, I have to introduce a man into my fantasies to eventually get there - what does this mean? And then this makes me think I'm not actually a lesbian. Ohh!!!

But I've never had a situation where I can't bear to think about men, and if I get disgusted, it's when I change from either men to women or women to men (ok this post is maybe too candid. sorry if this is inappropriate). If stick with the same I feel ok (well, confused, but not disgusted) - so I think with me I just feel disgusted with myself because it's like I like everything, whatever, like I'm up for anything or something. But it's not like that.

Biloved86 I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to label yourself in case you end up with someone else of the other sex you labelled yourself with...this is part of the reason I don't want to come out (not that I'm there yet at all!!) to parents etc unless I actually have a girfriend because otherwise it'd be like 'oh, I like girls', but then, my next partner could be male, and what would they make of that?

I just wonder actually whether we should judge our sexuality on the people we are atracted to in real life rather than what goes on in our fantasies maybe. I dunno. What do you think?

 

wow guys. take it easy. give ur selves a break for a minute.

the lables...and the self love icon_wink ) are completely different. what ever gets u off in ur alone time doesnt mean anything in real life. lets face it, some people are probably thinking about killing someone, or goats, or all kinds of messed up shit, that doesnt mean that they are oj simpson, or a goatfucker or anything, its just what you said, its a fantasy. For whatever reason that you may feel disgusted with yourself, try to let it go, try to accept urself a little more and relax. i think we as girls, are usually more prone to guilt and disgust with ourselves because we are always trying to live up to what we think is the right thing and what is easiest on everyone around us. some girls will think about guys for no other reason then it is habbit, it was what we were raised to do. it may mean nothing more then that.

I know taht while trying to figure out the hell is going on, you start to look at each little detail of ur life, and can some how tie it into your sexual struggle. but the thing is, those details are still just life, and your over analyzing and giving urselves way more of a struggle then you need to.

just be yourself, and please yourself and no that there is no right and no wrong, there is no acceptance standards. if one day a man is what excites you, then that is what excites you. there is nothing wrong with that, that doesnt make whatever you feel about women any less true, or any different. if you end up being bi, then you are bi, and you can rest easy knowing that in a sexual aspect, some moods require different actions with different people, and that you date individuals and not sexes. if you know that you are not into dating guys, then see them as most of them see us, lol as just something pretty to look at and nice to fuck once inawhile. ((sorry guys. i know ur not all like that. i am not completely a man hater..yet.))

you date who you love, no matter what, and you never ever need to justify that to people. whether one day it is a man or a women the next. if it is what you want and you need and is fulfilling to you, then do it, and you dont owe anyone a damn explaination.


and a good self loving to all (&&&)

 

Yep, I've felt that before. Again, I know I'm repeating myself but if you don't think you'd be happy in an intimate relationship then don't have one! There's nothing wrong with fantasising about boys but not having a relationship with them. One of my lesbian friends gets exactly that as well. She often says "He's good looking" or something to that effect and the people around her say "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be gay?" Heterosexual people can have homosexual fantasies but not want one in real life, but for some reason, Homosexuals with heterosexual fantasies appear to be frowned upon or are "not really gay". I blame society, as per usual.