need helpful advice so i can help the wife

Im sure some people here can help, I dont have much advise other than to say this is a very complicated situation to deal with. I can sympathise with you because feeling the way you do as a guy must be awful and to have got to where you are must have taken a lot of strength. I can see that you believe you will still be the person you were underneath when you are dressing full time as a woman.
However I also sympathise with your wife, just like the parent of a transgendered child has to sometimes mourn for the daughter/son they are loosing before they celebrate the son/daughter they are gaining. I am assuming your wife is a hetrosexual woman, well once you transition full time to a woman you are asking your wife to become gay for you, whilst you will still be the person you always were you will still identify as a woman and if you ask pretty much anyone hear they would tell you you cannot choose to be gay or straight so this can take its toll on her.

Im not saying that you cannot work through this and (I am assuming it is your wife who has been posting here) from what I have seen of your wifes posts she is extremely supportive and trying to work through it but its not going to be fixed over night.

I am sure some other people here will have some better advice.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC

I don't know if I'm going to be very helpful, because I have very limited experience when it comes about transgenderism, but I am sure people more experienced than I am will answer you too.
From what I know, I think that the feelings your wife is expressing (that she feels she is losing the man she married) are quite normal. In fact, this is exactly what this is about. For you, dressing and living as a woman is about being able to be truly yourself. But for your wife, that is a different process. This part of your identity that you have always known is new to her. When she married you, she didn't know that you were feeling as a woman trapped in a male body, she thought she was marrying a man. The idea that you are in fact a woman and that it's how you want to live is new to her and must feel quite disruptive. She has to accept to lose you as a male to be able to fully accept you as a woman.
On top of this, it's probably very challenging for her when it comes about her own sexual orientation. If she married you as male, she probably identify as straight. Being married to you living and identifying as a woman is also a huge change and challenge when it comes about her own identity.
I think that it's wonderful that she tries to be supportive, but I think both of you may need extra support to sort your issues out.
Counseling is be the first thing I would suggest. If possible with a counselor experienced in working with LGBT people.
I also would suggest you to reach a Pflag Chapter. Being able to meet other LGBT people and families of LGBT people can be very helpful for both of you. That would allow you to open up about your worries and issues to other people who have been in similar situations too.
Here is a Pflag booklet that may be helpful for your wife : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf
That can answer some of her questions already and also provide you a support to start a discussion about the issues you're having.
That will also show her that you understand that this is a difficult situation for her too and that you want to be there for her. That may help her coming to terms with the fact that, even if your outside appearance is in question and is likely going to change a lot, you're her partner and you care about her.

I hope it can help a little.
Take care, Cécile

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

I was married for 9 years when I came out as gay to my wife. I was scared and wasn't sure what life had in store for me as a gay man, and in fact I was prepared to stay with my wife and try to make things work. However, it was my wife that decided to end our marriage, because she wasn't prepared to stay with me - never knowing whether or not I was really happy.

And she was right. I wasn't going to be happy. And I wasn't going to be satisfied with her. And that wouldn't have been fair to either one of us.

I can understand you wanting to maintain the relationship you have with your wife. I'm sure you draw a lot of strength and support from her. You identify as bisexual, so even as a woman I assume you'd still have an attraction to your wife. So that would work for you.

But think about this from her perspective. She isn't bisexual. She isn't gay. She's straight, and wanted to be in a relationship with a straight man. My wife was the same. Suddenly she's finding that she isn't in the relationship that she thought she was in. That's bound to be frustrating for her - and unsettling. She sees her relationship changing into something that she never asked for and doesn't want.

It's entirely possible that you and your wife can remain very good friends. I have a very good relationship with my ex wife. (It was critical that we remain on good terms for the sake of our children.) She remains my biggest supporter and best friend. But we're much better off not married to each other. She has since met someone and remarried to another man, and I've since met someone and also married a man. We attended each other's weddings and remain on very good terms. That can certainly be the case with you and your wife.

But a relationship has to work for both people in it. And it seems like what you're needing to do regarding your gender isn't going to fit with what your wife needs in her life. As Cecile has suggested, I don't see how it's possible to work through this without getting some counselling. It helped my wife and I learn to communicate effectively, and I'm sure it would help the two of you as well.

With respect to your gender transition, have you spoken to anyone about that? Are you working with a doctor? Please look into getting some professional advice around this as well. It's a very complex and challenging process (from what I understand) and it's important to be getting the right medical support.

We're all rooting for you though. While this situation might feel insurmountable, it isn't. Both you and your wife can come out the other side of this feeling good about yourselves and able to lead healthy and productive lives. It just might require your own relationship changes significantly between now and then.

 

I'm happy we've been able to help That's why we're here for. So please, if you have any questions, worries, or any other things you'd like to talk about, feel free to do so
Take care, Cécile