This is going to be long and unorganized. So, my first semester in college is starting to wind down and I am starting to get extremely frustrated with how my social life is developing in college, it basically hasn't. I am not afraid to go to events, join clubs, go to parties, I have done all these things. But I completely fail at relaxing and being myself in groups larger than like three people. There have been multiple times where I have hit it off with people in one on one situations but I can never think of a way to build the relatonship because it just seems awkward to hangout with someone or invite someone to something with only me there (3's company), so I am forced to wait for them to invite me to something, but they usually already have friends and aren't keen on inviting someone new to group things. Of course this is all speculation based on at most 5-10 people out of a class of 8000. I am worried that eventually everyone will be sectioned off into their cliques and groups and I will be left looking in from the outside. I feel like everyone around me has this really refined sense of humor for the most part and I have what seems like no sense of humor what so ever. I mean who wants to be friends with someone who just feeds off other people's social energy and humor without bringing anything to the table? (Apparantly my old highschool friends are ok with it, but I have known them for half my life). I am still in the closet with everyone in my life, though I am planning to come out to everyone back home next summer. Do you think coming out in college will help me socially? Will my social skills improve simply because I will be more confident? I can't get past the feeling that it will only hurt me when meeting new people, especially because thoughout my life I have pretty much only been able to make friends with guys and it seems like gay guys have trouble making new friends with straight guys, though I supose it might help that my mannerisms aren't stereotypical gay at all. I am actually pretty jealous of all the gay guys that form such great relationships with girls because I have never had one. I am much more anxious around girls for some reason, its kind of sad really because it feels like I am walled off from being friends with half of humanity... On a side note, I am really only anxious about one thing when coming out to my friends (who are all guys, I still hang out with girls every once in a while but its through proxy usually, not because I am good friends with them). I feel like I need to tell them that I have never seen them as anything more than a friend, but I don't know if that would be more awkward than just not mentioning it. I am worried they will think in the back of their minds (Did he ever look at me or was he ever interested in me or did he ever crush on me?), because while I love these guys I have never seen them in that light at all lol. I wanted to post this because I constantly think about it and just wanted to get some feedback, Thanks for listening.
I can related to your social anxiety about hanging out in larger groups of people. I think this related to two traits you identified in yourself, which I would say I have as well that you aren't as confident as you would like to be or as funny. I think these are important in larger groups because social interaction tends to be less conversation focused and more toward one liners and the like in which case you have to be willing to insert yourself into the conversation, and jokes become more prominent than discussion. (but that's just my half baked theory) Anyway, one thing I have become much more comfortable with is hanging out one on one with people. At first it seems weird like you are asking someone on a date, but then after a while it becomes more natural. Maybe it would be different if I were out, but I have done this with both guys and gals and had a great time. As you get to know someone individually both they and you can then incorporate you into their group of friends. As for not being funny enough. It think that everyone who has social anxiety worries about as you say sapping the social energy. Often times I wonder if I am being that guy that is the hanger-on that everyone tolerates. Overtime, I have realized that this is mostly about me, and not about my friends. When you say that your HS friends put up with this, I think this more reflects that after all this time, you have finally accepted that they want to be friends with you. I know it is difficult, but try to let go just a little. I found that by not worrying as much about if people liked me, I actually was able to be more comfortable socializing with them. Its hard. There's no denying. But try to be more active in both accepting your social limitations and trying to work around them and in trying to go beyond them. I saw a counselor at my university for a few months that helped me sort some of this out. Trust me, I didn't figure it out on my own. It might be helpful for you, and I certainly encourage it. Most college campuses have free counseling services that are easy to access. If you have never been before, its a pretty chill experience. They don't ask you to start asking you about your mother in a think German accent. Basically, you talk about what you want and they help you think it out. If you have any questions feel free to ask.
First off, welcome to EC! Being an introvert myself, I can definitely relate to having problems dealing with a big group of people. Specially when you feel like you are the new one of them all! That being said, I think you are well on your way in getting there. From what I read, it seems like you are already going to clubs and event, but you are having trouble making the connections with people that you would like to hang out with outside of the club and the events you go to. The trick is all about how you act towards others when you go to these events. Instead of focusing on how to get them to be interested in you, try and show your interest in them. The easiest way to make conversation with someone is by asking them about themselves. People LOVE talking about themselves and everyone loves someone who will listen to them and that shows sincere interest in them. Be that person Other easy things to keep in mind is to: - Always smile - Say hi to people and introduce yourself - Remember people's names - Focus on finding one person that you connect to. Get their facebook and talk to them through that. I know this is oversimplifying the whole thing, but those are the main things that have worked for me. Of course, practice makes perfect! I can't speak for everyone, but for me in helped me immensely. I not longer had those lingering thoughts in the back of my head while I talked to people and it allowed me to truly concentrate on the people who I was talking to. Also, like you mentioned, it can help your self-esteem greatly which in turn will help you socially. Also, being gay won't kill your chances of developing friendship with straight guys. You have done so before and I'm sure that won't change after you come out. Just as an example, while I do make friends easier with girls, two of my best friends are straight and they are completely fine with the whole thing. Not to mention that I probably have more mannerism than you, so you have nothing to worry about That will be up to you to decide, but I'm pretty sure that your friends won't really care at all. If anything they will probably make a joke or two, but nothing like freaking out about anything. I would say to not say anything and then confronting the situation if it ever comes up. Usually responding with a joke lightens the mood Sorry if my post is all over the place!
I can definitely relate to you on these three points, and not just with regard to my social life in college and grad school. As Marlowe said, sometimes what it takes to get more comfortable with being in larger groups of people is to gradually incorporate yourself into your friends' own social group once you get to know them well in one-on-one situations. I can offer an example in my own life. While in grad school, I was not exactly asocial, but I didn't hang out with my classmates often. One of my classmates made an effort to make friends with me, and at first it was a bit one-sided (her inviting me to meet her friends, her initiating conversations), but eventually I began to start conversations as I became more and more comfortable talking to her. She introduced me to her large, diverse group of friends, and after I graduated, one of her closest friends began to invite me to her home for game nights. I then became familiar with members of her circle of friends, and I can say that I am far more comfortable in bigger groups of people than I used to be before I met the two of them. It depends on the person and the college. Some people bloom in college, yet others feel more isolated, and the atmosphere of the particular school also matters (whether it's got a strong LGBT contingent, whether it's a "party school", etc.). This is just my conjecture, but if your school has a strong LGBT contingent whose members are out and active in the campus community, coming out can very well help you socially, in terms of the LGBT community embracing you and taking an interest in helping you. You are only finished with about 1/8 of your college career, so take time to seek out resources on your campus--counseling at student mental health services; the LGBT student center, if your school has one; off-campus LGBT community centers; etc.
