Let me start by saying, this is the first time I have ever done something like this. I've never sat down at the computer, to admit this to someone else, nor seek advice. I am a 34 year old married male. I have been dressing in womens clothes, like alot of you I am sure, almost as long as I can remember. As things do, it progressed until I had everything needed to fully dress as a woman. I managed to keep this a secret to everyone in my life...until about a month ago. While rummaging through some clothing while packing, my wife found a pair of my panties. Of course, at first I lied. Then I could see the hurt it was causing her, thinking I had cheated.....so against everything in my nature I let her into that one tiny part of me. After a couple of minutes, she came to me with some joke about Bull Durham, so I knew she was going to be accepting of me wearing them. She asked me alot of questions, and I lied to her. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I was so ashamed of what she had found, despite her accepting it, that I still couldn't tell her the extent. She asked me if I was confused about my sexual orientation, and I lied. She asked me if I fully dressed, and I lied. The list goes on. The only thing I was able to be honest about, is what I was caught with. I did tell her that I preferred to shave my legs and chest, and she has accepted that. All in all, she was great about it. We have a unique relationship, in that we like to pick on one another, and she has started to poke at me a little.....like what panties am i wearing and so on. So I guess what I am getting at is, she is very accepting to, and respectful of who am I.....now. I don't know how to tell her the rest. I don't know how to tell my wife of 8+ years, that sometimes I am sexually attracted to men. I think she could handle the cross dressing, in small doses, but I don't know how to tell her I lied. Outside of "this" I have never been unfaithful, or lied to my wife about anything. She is singlehandedly the most important relationship I have with anyone, and I don't want her to get hurt. Thanks in advance, if it was only letting me get some of this off my chest.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad your wife has been as accepting and good natured about what you have shared with her as she has been. I think you're right to be a little concerned about what her reaction might be if she were to find out that there is a lot more to it. Have you seen a counsellor about all of this? I would strongly recommend that you do. What you are facing, given your current circumstances, is a very complex situation. Most people would be challenged to make it through this without a struggle. Having an unbiased professional to help you would be invaluable right now. The fact that you've remained faithful is a HUGE plus. Don't let that change. The things you've been keeping from her will be upsetting enough without also having to tell her that you've been unfaithful. Otherwise, it's up to you to decide how much of this hidden lifestyle you want to keep and how much you're willing to give up in order to satisfy your wife's needs and address her concerns. I do think that it will be important for you to eventually tell her the truth. In the mean time, feel free to hang out here to talk about your problems. Talking about it is FAR better than trying to 'get it out of your system'. I made the mistake of trying that, and it was disasterous. I wasn't faithful in my marriage, and it caused both my wife and I a lot of pain. So don't do what I did, do what I say instead - and learn from my experiences.
You know what's great about humans? We have ears. Which means we listen. Which means you can explain yourself to your wife. If you feel like it's eating you up, then why not come out with it? Your wife sounds like a very accepting lady. If you love her, then that's what matters. If you are sometimes attracted to men, I don't see how that affects your relationship with your wife. She is the woman you love and the woman you chose to marry. If you feel that you are questioning your sexuality and that you might not be straight, or bi, and you can't stay with your wife, getting infront of the problem is probably better. She sounds like a sweet and understanding lady. I'm positive that if you just talk to her about this honestly, she will be willing to listen and try to understand, even if she doesn't right away. You being attracted to men and dressing in women's clothes didn't stop you from marrying the woman, and I hope you didn't marry her because you wanted to cover up these things. Assuming you love her, I say just talk to her honestly and openly about who you are. If she's been married to you for 8 years, she's also pretty invested in your relationship and she won't just drop you like a ton of bricks. Good luck!
Jim... Thanks for taking the time to respond. I have considered councelling, but have never followed through with it. I agree that it would help, and since I am battling this for the first time, some guidance would be appreciated. Taylor... I do have an exceptional wife, and we have much more than just 8 years invested. I believe, after much debate, I am going to come clean with her tonight....something I've never done with anyone before.....and hope she doesn't file for divorce in the morning.
If you decide to go for counseling, make sure to find a therapist with experience in gender and sexuality issues. Good luck telling your wife. I hope she continues to be as accepting as she has been so far. When you are coming out to her, you might want to start with thanking her for being so accepting and understanding about the panties, and let her know that that has helped you to feel safe enough to tell her more. It will be helpful if she understands that your confession represents a deepening of the intimacy of your relationship. You are telling her a secret you have never shared with anyone: that's a big deal, and women usually love that sort of thing. Make sure she knows what a big deal it is that you feel like you can tell her all this.
( Unfortunately, I don't have anything new to offer to the awesome advice you've been given here so far. I wish you luck on your journey and I hope you know that EC,will do our best to help you out as much as possible. I couldn't resist saying hello to a fellow Mountaineer, though. Best of luck to you dear.)
So tonight I came clean. My wife is a pretty awesome woman. She knew i was hiding the entire truth from her already and was only waiting on me to feel comfortable telling her.
Good things happen when people remember the most simple way humans have to deal with problems. Talking and listening goes a long way!
Congratulations on your first ever coming out! It sounds like it went wonderfully well. She must be a classy lady. Don't be afraid to keep coming back here for support.
Like Wolfgirl90, I cannot add to the advice that has already been given, but I will say that I admire your courage and honesty in coming out to your wife, and that I am happy for you that she is so accepting. You two seem to have a wonderful relationship, and I hope that coming out to her will only strengthen it.
Aww, I just found this thread and everything's already been worked out. I'm so glad to see that. Be sure to stick around this site. You've come to the right place.
Well I'm glad that your wife has been so understanding. I'm sure she will have some questions and concerns that she'll want some clarity around. Counselling for both of you would be helpful.
