Hey, I dont know if its ok to post this here; its about applying to universities- Firstly, what the hell to do. My mum wants me to go to a university where she can literally see me. Somewhere where she knows I will be safe and have absolutely no chance of something bad happening to me (like a guy approaching me in the middle of the night). I know she means well as she wants me to be safe and adores me.. but I cant help but want to scream out loud and kick a door down to say I want to go out of this town so I can be a little independent and make my own choices!! :bang: Dont get me wrong, I love my mum. Shes the most important to me in the whole world and, on my life, I'd do anything for her. Its just that she has this extremely senstive and protective nature about her where she feels most comfortable when she knows where I am and what I'm doing. To be honest, if I had children and my eldest daughter was considering university I'd want her to go somewhere close as well, where I know there's no chance of anything bad happening to her. But its just shes always saying, i care about you and go to this university; she's constantly suggesting this particular university thats 5 minutes away from where I live. Its in the centre of town where we live. Firstly, it doesnt do my course (it kind of does, but I'd rather not do it) and I wouldnt like it there beacause it prevents me from going out into another town. I would want to go out a little - just a little bit, to catch my own trains, wear what I like and be a little more .. free. She doesnt get that; in her culture, it was never like that when she was younger-kinda-thing. She cares way too much. I'm just crying my eyes out as I'm writing this because I dont know who else to talk to. She's always so worried about me, even though I promised her I wouldnt live out. I wouldnt cope without her anyway, so I'm applying to near universities that take a maximum 3 and a half hours on the train. They're so damn near though still she's suggesting I go to the even-nearer universities. After a while, once she'd given me the 'talk' and the dangers of going to univerities alone and coming back alone on the train, she'd feel guilty because she knows I want a little more. Even though, I could live with the course I had to do, I wouldnt like it there as its still where I live. So, she'd always finish by saying, "Ok I understand what you want, so dont feel pressurised by going to where I want you to go. zak, look at univerisites and choose where you deperately want to go". But I know deep down she doesnt mean that. She suggests so many places for me and then feels bad because she knows I have ambitions and all my friends are going to other coutries and doing their things, so she'll hug me and say its ok, I know you want to do your own thing, I just care about you. And I just want to cry there and then because I know whatever I do, either way one of us aren't going to be happy. I really am considering the univerisity she's suggested and I'm applying there. My friends are going to think its crazy because this uni wants something like 3 C's; its something so low in the ranks but I honesly dont know what else to do to make her happy, for the while. I'm sorry everything looks so rushed and scattered, I just wanted to get my thoughts down, because I love her so much but I sometimes can't stand the smothering. Its ridiculous, but because I care about her I am listening; I have found further closer universities than what I orignally found, and I have had to alter the course I want to study, just so that if I do get in I hope both myself and she will be happy.:icon_sad: I feel so down; I think I am doing the cool thing which is changing what I want for her, but cant help but think I'm going to regret the uni I go to, because my brain is telling me go-go-goo to the Uni I want as all parents have to deal with seperation from their kids at some point, my heart is saying, I genuinely cant. My mum will bottle these things up and worry till death, and she'll think I cant see, but its so damn obvious. What can I do? - I live near Slough by the way, just if anyone's wondering :icon_sad: Thanks everyone :rolle:
I can't fault your mother for wanting you near. Some parents have a hard time letting the chick leave the nest. Ultimately though, you shouldn't base your college decision off what your mother wants. Going to a university and choosing a major is an important step in your life, and will affect your life in the future. Don't settle just to make your mother a little happier. Do what you think is best for yourself. While I can't relate to the over-protectiveness, I can relate to your dilemma of parents wanting a certain major and university for me. My dad hates what I am going for with a passion. Some part of me wanted to please him, but I realized that the purpose of going to college isn't to make your parents happy. The purpose for me going was to do what I wanted with my life, and to do what would make me happy. While the motives of our parents may be different, it still comes down to the same thing. Make the decision based off what you truly want for yourself. She may be sad or afraid for a little while, but when she sees you doing what you love she will come around. Even if she didn't, you are doing what you want with your life, and that is the most important thing.
Apply where you want to. No one will live your life but yourself. Think about what kind of regrets you'll have when you give in to your mother's demands and go to a university that you don't want to. And you've said yourself that this university is not as selective or academically challenging as you'd like it to be. Also your mother needs to realize that you're an adult now and that she can't boss you around with major decisions like applying to a uni. Unfortunately I have my own share of overbearingly protective parents so I can definitely relate.
If you don't go to the school you really want, you will regret it forever--and you will resent your mother for it. It's not worth it. Go to the school you want to go to: it's a big decision in your life. I didn't go to the school I wanted, and now I'm even unhappier about it than I was at the time. This decision has to be about what's right for you, not anyone else.
Perhaps you need to tell your mother the univ you want to take. IF she worries too much you can suggest that she and you go together to the unniv so she has a vivid understanding on where you are going to study, thus it will ease her worry a bit. You also can mention that you have friends going there (if there are some friends of yours from the same school going there), even ask them to convince your mother that it's safe and you all will take care for each other. Last but not least, you can say that it will be fun since she will have a chance to visit you and both of you can travel a bit further. Good luck!!!
Thanks for all the comments, I think I just need to talk to her a little more But ultimately, I think I'm going to give in to what she wants. I dont think I can bare her worrying as much as she does, but hopefully she'll ease of a little with all the pressure. !
If you do decide to go with what she wants instead of going where you wanted, just be prepared for the possibility of regretting it down the road.
I think you should follow your dreams, as the others have said Mothers are often over protective especially with their eldest child and often if the eldest is a girl. I think a compromise would be to choose a university that is in the middle so not in your immediate town but close by so visiting can be made without too much stress. The first and most important reason for choosing your Uni should be for your course, you are choosing this to study for what you want to do in your life. Secondly if you choose the uni close to home are you going to still live at home or are you going to live on campus, because if you are still going to live at home then you are not going to get the full uni experience and if you are going to live on campus then how close you are to home is partly irrelevant unless you are going to check in with your Mother every half an hour anyway. I see your trauma and think its very noble that you want to lessen your dreams to make your Mother happy but in the long run I dont think it will have the desired effect, you see by choosing something because it is what you Mother wants to do you might end up miserable and if you are miserable then she will only end up worrying about you anyway. You also have to think past Uni, say you compromise now and go to the close Uni and stay close to home so she can keep a watchful eye on you and then you finish Uni and get a job further away, I know you will be a little bit older but I think that she will still have a problem letting you go then, so actually all you are doing is delaying the process. I dont know which Uni you would like to go to but im sure the town of that Uni is no worse or better than where you live, these dangers will still be there I mean surely you are still going to go out for the evening with friends, so all the things that she is worrying about could happen then too. I think you would find if you did move a bit further away for Uni she would get used to it and settle down a lot. I agree with the above posters though perhaps you could take her to look at the Uni you would like to go to and show her around and run through with her the better qualities of that Uni and why the course is better for what you actually want to do.
I have a grandmother who's exactly like your mother--she'd much, much rather have everyone she loves close by so she will know they're alright. She worries about me constantly, and pesters my dad every time she hears of some disaster in the States (she's in China). Many of her loved ones go out of their way to keep certain things from her in order to not get her upset. She knows, and your mother likely also knows, though, that as much as they would love to do so, they can't keep their loved ones physically close all the time. Even the most careful person is not 100% immune from terrible things happening to them. Your mother needs to know that you love her immensely, but would appreciate it if she would give you some space to make decisions by and for yourself. Like some have already suggested, to allay her fears and bolster your case, she and you can go take tours of the universities you prefer, and you can demonstrate to her why it is so important to you that you are at least given the opportunity to attend.
My mother was very much the same and still is. Point out to her the benefits of leaving your current town for another. You will be able to gain an education in life that is ever so valuable if you are ever going to leave the house which, I am certain, is going to be an inevitability. You must explain to her that if you do not leave now you may enter into a vicious cycle in which your mother will try to keep you for as long as possible and that by letting you go she will be doing the more caring thing. I say this because, in the end, your mother cares deeply for you but you must point out, in no uncertain terms, that she would do better to let you live an independent life than stay under her wing. Remain firm and strong and show your mother that you are capable of sticking to your ideals and that you are an adult.
