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Tips to trust an "internet guy"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Branconegro, Nov 8, 2011.

  1. Branconegro

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    Hi!! :smilewave

    After I saw a news telling that 3/5 gay couple are made in dating websites, I decided to look for this too.

    I need tips to know how I can trust in a guy that I´m meeting over the internet(He´s the second I talk, but probably the 1st I´m gonna meet).

    We are planning to meet each other on Saturday.

    Until know, from what we talked, he seems to be really nice(we have a LOT in common). His words kind of match with his speech, but we never know, right?

    Like, he said he did Law School, like me(I do Law), and from what I´ve seen and what he told, he´s telling the truth. He knew everything that we talked about Law.So, it´s like 90% of chance that he did Law. Other things says to me that he is a reliable guy, like, he speaks more about his family than I asked(actually a lot of details) and didn´t lied about somethings that I consider negative in a guy: like he smokes(according to him not frequently) and that he doesn´t do a lot of exercise(run,gym, play soccer,swim, etc). That´s actually the only two things we have in different, and also age diference(he´s 24 yrs old, I´m 20).

    He lives in a closet like me and is looking for a serious relationship(btw, he already had a boyfriend during 3 years that he also met in internet), but according to him we have to know each other a lot before(and if) we would start to date. Also, he said that we have to speak more before deciding or not to going to a date this Saturday...(I agree with all this, btw).

    He proposed for meet each other in the 'cinema center'(the largest in city) by night, but I said that it was best on the beach(by day) because "The best place to hide is to be in public". And a movie we would be to quiet. He kind agreed with me...

    I know that I can´t do anything more than talk in the first date,because I don´t wanna feel used.

    So, any tips?

    Thanks!!
     
    #1 Branconegro, Nov 8, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2011
  2. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    im confused. how do you think you will be used? you can't be used unless you allow someone to use you. you are going on a date. just to meet face to face. that's all. you have picked a public location (which is good by the way).

    the best way to do this is just hang out. get to know the person. be clear BEFORE you meet that you're just interested in meeting as friends and if things are cool after that you may be interested in more communication but there's no pressure either way.

    also when meeting people from teh internet, its just always a good idea to make sure to leave a note or tell a friend that you trust where you're going and who you are goign to be with and their number just in case. you must be safe. if you are not out and noone knows, make sure to leave this information in a place that can be found if someone realliy needs to find it but not out and about where you may "out" yourself.

    other than that, have fun,. enjoy and take it easy. he sounds ok so far so trust your gut. and you dont have to keep the date going if you're over it. just say that you have other plans later and that it was nice meeting him. that's all.

    oh, im assuming you have seen what he looks like prior. i would suggest doing that before you go on the date because i've heard stories of people meeting people that weren't like they described or used fake pics.
     
  3. Drowzee64

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    He seems legit to me. It's worth a shot!
     
  4. Branconegro

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    how do you think you will be used? you can't be used unless you allow someone to use you

    Well, exactly. I just can be used If I allow. But isn´t that easy...sometimes I think: and if this guy is a stalker? :eek:

    Beeing in the closet is terrifying for my brain...

    I just don´t know, I´m nervous.

    its just always a good idea to make sure to leave a note or tell a friend

    Awsome tip!!! Thanks! :thumbsup:

    oh, im assuming you have seen what he looks like prior

    Yes, we both agreed that we are going to do this before Saturday.


    ---


    Thanks a lot!!!! :icon_bigg

    ---------- Post added 8th Nov 2011 at 06:12 PM ----------

    Hope so! :icon_bigg
     
  5. Chip

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    Sounds to me like you've thought this through pretty carefully and taken reasonable steps.

    There's a point at which you just say "Well, let's give it a try" and I think you're at taht point. Meeting in public, talking, going slowly, getting to know him... all good things.

    If you are looking to develop a relationship, I'd wait till you've spent time with him 3 or 4 times before doing anything physical. If you're mostly looking for a physical encounter then... it's up to you how quickly you move.

    But I think you're being sensible in your approach. Let us know how it goes. :slight_smile:
     
  6. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    if you want a few other tips for safety, check these out:

    1. only meet at public places until you feel comfortable being alone somewhere with him. that would be after several several times of getting to know him and talking to him.
    2. do not ride in the same car. for instance if after the beach he says, hey, let's grab something to eat. i can drive since i'm closer.... just say, oh it's cool im not really hungry or there's a place we can walk to right near the beach (make sure it's in the open on a populated trail/walkway).
    3. sometimes people just out of innocence will ask things like your birthday (actual date and year), where you live specifically (cross streets), full name, where you work, etc. yes, these can be innocent thigns but just be careful about giving up too much info upfront that someone can track you with. you dont have to be paranoid, but just be smart.
    4. RELAX. even if you were out of the closet you would be nervous. Even if you met someone through a friend, you dont know what kinda weirdo you're going to get. Not everyone is out to get you but you're smart for thinking about these things and just taking necessary precautions that anyone should take when meeting strangers.
    5. this is just a rule of thumb in general: do not accept drinks from people unless you see the waiter pour it.

    have fun and enjoy the waves.
     
  7. Branconegro

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    Thanks again for all those tips!

    -----

    2. do not ride in the same car

    Yes, I was thinking about this too.


    5. this is just a rule of thumb in general

    Yessss!!! Another one, and also don´t let him, well, keep my drink while I´m not watching...
     
  8. Branconegro

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    So, just updating:

    Yesterday I asked and told him a lot of things.

    I told him that I felt very strange from his part not to be afraid or even excited, nervous, anxious etc to meet me(I was feeling this way about him). He said that he had already so many deceptive meetings from internet, that he doesn´t care. Is just a date and he knows how to be safe.

    He speaks a lot about other things(Law, work, religion,family, travel, movies, books, tv), but not so much about beeing gay or gay life or gay stuffs or his gay history. Is this normal?

    He said that he is "relaxed" about beeing gay(I´m too), despite living in the closet (for me, is understandable, but not totally). According to him, isn´t easy to date in closet, but it can happen(as I said, he already had a boyfriend). About his boyfriend he said that at their first two meeting they spoke for 13h(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) in each one(!!!!!) and it was love at first sight. They date for 2yrs and 5months and broke up because his bf fell in love with a friend...

    His relationship with his friends it´s like mine, living with homophobics, but loving them. And very nice with his family...

    He also said that he is bi, but rather gay.I said that I would be affraid to date a bi guy, because it would be unstable(I would be affraid to dream a future with him).I always will have to prove that despite loving him, I would also have to be better than a woman. He said that he would marry whatever he loves, a man or woman.

    Another thing is: he´s 10cm taller than me, don´t know how to deal with it.

    He sent me his pictures, without his eyes(I also sent mine, without the eyes). He´s cute :icon_bigg

    And, finally we are going to meet Saturday, 4pm, at the busiest beach in the city...

    All I have to say I´m scared to death(but I think is normal)!!!
     
  9. Jim1454

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    I don't see any problem meeting someone in person who you've met on the internet. You've got some great tips about what to do and not to do.

    I'm not sure I understand why you've exchanged pictures where you can't see each other's eyes. You're going to meet in person and presumably see each other's eyes on Saturday, so what's the big deal? If you're not comfortable enough with this guy yet to actually show him a true picture of yourself, then I'm not sure why you're prepared to meet him in person.

    I also think you're perhaps getting ahead of yourself in talking about never dating a bi guy and how it would affect your future, etc. You've yet to meet this guy. So don't be worrying about dating him, or marrying him, or building a life with him. It's your first date with a guy, so just try to relax and enjoy it. (Maybe it's because you're both a couple of lawyers that you seem a little up tight...)
     
  10. Branconegro

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    1. For him, he would exchange his whole picture. I didn´t want that. I mean, send my picture and he would be able to keep it forever? He can use it for other things. I see cases everyday about things like that.

    Seeing my face is easier, he can forget.



    2.He said that too.


    I think there is a very deep difference between us in one thing: maturity. I see this in his words.

    He´s 3 yrs older, graduated and already had a relationship for more than 2 years. I´m not saying that I´m an irresponsible guy, but I´m still a student and never had the chance to have a serious relationship....in other words, I don´t know how to deal if this thing, even when is just about a date. I already had hook-ups with girls, but a date never happened...
     
  11. seeksanctuary

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    Maybe I'm paranoid, but that to me is a red flag. He should at least be excited to meet you.

    *shrugs* Either way though, just take it easy. It's a date. If it goes badly, you don't HAVE to see him again. If he turns out to be a loon, there are legal ways to deal with it, but I'm sure that won't be the case.
     
  12. Doctor Faustus

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    Just be sensible. Keep safe, know where to go if there's a problem, and try and have some fun! As seeksanctuary said, if it doesn't work out, you don't necessarily have to see him again.
     
  13. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    ok, so what happened with this date? can we get an update on what occured?
     
  14. Branconegro

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    ^^ Sorry for not answer, but yes, the date didn´t happened. I cancelled for not trust in the guy and all his story about not beeing worried about to meet me even when he is still in closet.

    But guess what?! I decided to do one thing these last days. I wouldn´t post what is happening with me until the next couple of weeks, but since you asked, I´m gonna answer.

    I´m an aviation freak and in a aviation forum I met a guy from my city. Since last year I knew that he was gay(he told everyone about his "sexual condition" in the social part of the website where we speak about everything, except airplanes). I knew who he was(we have friends in common), but he didn´t knew who I was(and that´s includes my 'gay life').

    So, two weeks ago I was very lonenly and depressed, so tired of sadness that I thought I should commit suicide. I was so desperate that I almost faint.

    The next day I went to a Law´s congress and the theme was: kid´s LGBT rights (I didn´t knew the theme until I got there). During and after the congress I felt very motivated to life, after seeing all those "law people" talking about gay rights and knowing that most of them were gay. I thought to myself: I´m not alone :icon_bigg and more, I can be just like them :icon_bigg.

    Driving back home I decided to add on facebook this guy that I knew from aviation forum, to literally look for a friend. Showing my pictures, what I do, my real name etc.

    I introduced myself to him (where I knew him, who I am, what I do), he accept me and I told everything to him, EVERYTHING. He was really supportive and we are “internet friends” (I still don´t know him in person). He told me a lot about his life (he´s out of the closet to parents and friends, both are extremely supportive, including about how accepting his parents were about his ex-boyfriend).

    He told me a lot about my city´s gay life and I was really surprised (some pubs that I already passed by in front are LGBT and I never notice that! Like there is one that if he didn´t tell me I always would thought that it was a garden shop). And after we talk I literally asked him to ask me to go to these places ( I told him that I don´t have gay friends and of course told him, if it is a problem, don´t worry, you are not obligated to invite me), in others words, I asked him to be my friend. He said that he´s gonna invite me next time he goes, but now he´s very busy with college stuffs (he´s graduating).

    And is really good to be yourself in years. After I had spoke with him, and, of course, saw his pictures with his gay friends, ex-boyfriend, after he told me his situation, how he didn´t have gay friends just like me, I´m very confident about life again.

    And what I decided? That I´m gonna come out to the world in stages and live my life again (haha, that’s soooooooooo GOOD! I´m feeling full of live again).

    First I´m gonna to come out to the gay community. Then, my friends, if they ask. If they accept me, great; if they don´t, I really don´t f*cking care! And I still don´t know when about my family , but I still don´t care about this right now.

    So, that´s my tip: look for someone to share and that understands you. Since I did this, I´m dreaming again. And also, I´m defending LGBT rights at my classes(actually it happened once), a thing that I never done before.

    I came to a point where or I should "live me" who I am or to give up from life. These last days I decided for the first one; I can´t and couldn´t take it anymore!

    To summarize, I wrote this text at my blog on Sunday:

     
    #14 Branconegro, Nov 30, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2011
  15. insidehappy

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    that's awesome! i'm glad you are feeling better and more positive about things. right on!!! :slight_smile:
     
  16. Branconegro

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    ^^ Yes, I´m. I´m feeling younger again, like when I was 10 and I was a good person and full of dreams!

    Thanks for everything!

    Btw, this forum is helping me a lot. I'm progressing in these months what I had not progressed in years! Just to realize that I arrived here in August and I´m doing a lot of progress since than. On beggining(my 1st post here), I was thinking: "I can´t come out or that I would have to wait until I have a job", now I don´t think like that anymore!

    THANK YOU A LOT EC!!!!!!! :thumbsup: