So, I went to a get together of all male work friends. We were drinking pretty heavily and I got to the point that I was way to drunk to leave. The issue I ran into was that the guy that was hosting the get together started coming on to me, knowing that I am gay and have a girlfriend (not to mention, he has one too!). Everyone else was asleep and we were finishing a movie. He came and sat next to me and started rubbing on my legs. I didn't know what to do. Well, I knew what I wanted to do, but couldn't. I wanted to leave, I wanted to tell him to stop, I wanted to slap him...but I couldn't. I had had way too much to drink and couldn't do much of anything for myself. When I wasn't responding to his advances I think he got frustrated and said he was going to bed. We turned off the movie and he left. Not 10 minutes later he came back from his bedroom in his sleep shorts and a tshirt. He came and sat next to me again and asked if I wanted to finish the movie. I said sure...I have no idea why, I was totally exhausted and just wanted to sleep. So, watching the movie he takes my hand and puts it down his shorts to touch him. I was disgusted and tried to pull away but he held it there. Again, I don't know why I didn't say stop or no or something. What was my problem?! I guess alcohol was the problem. When he realized again that I wasn't going to do anything for him he got up, kissed me, and went to bed. Finally, I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and left before anyone had the chance to get up. I haven't spoken to him since. One problem is, this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with another man 20 years older than me...alcohol was involved again...but he and I ended up having sex. I get so disgusted with myself anytime I think about it. The other problem is that I haven't told my girlfriend about the most recent incident that I explained in the beginning. I hate keeping secrets, but she and I were dating at the time it happened and I feel like I have let her down. Like she will never be able to trust me. I guess my question is, how do I get this behavior in myself to stop? What is it going to take for me to stand up for myself? Why do I let myself get taken advantage of?
The obvious solution here is to not put yourself in a position of vulnerability by choosing not to drink to excess except with people you know extremely well and trust. A disproportionate number of unwanted sexual encounters involve alcohol, and a lot of men (and women, though men typically tend to be more aggressive about it) realize this and intentionally try to get their targets drunk, knowing it will lower their inhibitions. The secondary issue might have to do with self-esteem and boundaries. If these sorts of situations, or other situations where you feel people imposing on your boundaries, are happening even when you're sober, you might want to consider seeing a therapist and exploring what's going on that you don't feel you have the agency to stand up for yourself and get out of those situations.
I have seen a therapist and explained to him the situations I have been in. All he tells me is "that must have been very uncomfortable/difficult for you" and "I'm sorry that happened to you". That really doesn't help much. He has never really offered much help with suggestions, rather he tries to make me feel better about what has happened. I guess I should try seeing another therapist, but he knows my history and it's so hard to start over with someone new. I suppose that is my best bet though if I honestly want to change. Thank you Chip.
