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Am I gay or bisexual?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kellymporta, Nov 9, 2011.

  1. kellymporta

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    Ok, so I'm not comfortable being "not straight", but its only been a couple of months since I actually stopped denying that I have feelings towards guys. Right now, all I want is to live a single and celibate life, but I still want to know if I'm gay or bisexual. So here are the facts so far.

    Right now I consider myself 90% attracted to guys and 10% attracted to girls. However if I take into account only my sexual behavior (being a virgin that means, just considering what I'm thinking when I get hard or masturbating), I'm probably 99% attracted to guys and 1% attracted to girls.

    However, there is also evidence that maybe I'm bisexual (even if I prefer guys more than girls). There was a time during high school in which I would consider myself 60% attracted to girls and 40% attracted to guys. Unlike some gay guys, I don't find the idea of having sex with a girl disgusting. The only thing is that I can't picture myself enjoying making out with a girl. I find that just normal.

    Finally, although I usually have crushes towards male friends, at least once every two years I find a girl hot enough in real life to actually think I might one day find the right girl for me. The problem is that most of my friends are male and my female friends are ugly. Also, my friendships with girls are usually very lousy (we usually end up talking about homework and academics).

    Right now I consider myself on the borderline of gay and bisexual, so am I more gay or bisexual? And one last question, if I'm bisexual is it possible to have a more 50% male / 50% female attraction (for example trying to get more female friends so I'm more emotionally attracted to girls)?
     
  2. Mister E

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    "is it possible to have a more 50% male / 50% female attraction"

    It sounds like you're trying to bargain with yourself. Trust me, I did the same thing. I think the part you should be focusing on is "I'm probably 99% attracted to guys and 1% attracted to girls." Since it is what you actually feel, that is probably what you are going to continue to experience.

    From the sound of this, you sound like you are leaning towards gay, but just not completely. It is okay to like both genders, and it is also okay to like just one or the other. Many people are not comfortable with being "not straight" (as you put it). I, for one, feel for you there. I am new to this whole thing, but I'm coming to terms with being gay.

    Since it sounds like you have had these feelings for a long time, I wouldn't say this is just curiosity. You seem to be primarily homosexual with some heterosexual feelings here and there (thus the occasional "hot" girl).

    To answer your question: Yes, it is possible for one to be 50/50 on this. However, from what I've read, I think you should be focusing on how you really feel, and now on what you would be more comfortable with feeling.
     
  3. kellymporta

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    Thank you for your answer. I know what you mean, I should focus on the 99% attracted to guys and 1% attracted to girls because that's what I feel when I'm horny, but I think maybe that's too simplistic since it mostly deals with the physical part of attraction. Also, I don't want to focus on this fact because it would mean I'm only attracted to guys.

    Sometimes I do feel more gay than bisexual, but I'm afraid that if I start identifying just as gay I will close any opportunities I have to find myself a girlfriend and make everyone happy. As you said it, I think there are a very few heterosexual feelings (I don't think that would be normal if I was only gay) and I think that maybe if I work on those feelings there is an opportunity for me to balance my attractions.

    But again, what can I do to actually incentive that change to be a more "50% male / 50% female" bisexual?
     
  4. Kidd

    Kidd Guest

    Whether you acknowledge and accept it or not doesn't really change the reality of the situation. You don't sound very bisexual to me. One girl in two years is almost not even worth mentioning, honestly. If 9 out of every 10 people you're attracted to is the same-sex then even though you're technically bisexual for all intensive purposes you might as well just come out as gay in my opinion. If you really do think though that at some point in the future that you might find a girl that you like and are attracted to then there isn't any harm in identifying as a bisexual. It isn't an exact science. Use whatever label you feel the most comfortable with.

    Nothing. You can't change what you're attracted to. Either you like it or you don't.
     
    #4 Kidd, Nov 10, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 10, 2011
  5. needshelp

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    i can relate to you because i'm in the same boat as you. i too didn't understand nor did i want to understand that i probably might be gay or bisexual. even though i knew that i probably wasn't straight, i couldn't grasp the idea that i was gay because there was an attraction to women that was there but it wasn't as strong as my attraction for guys was.

    from what i've learned from others on here, elsewhere is two things. 1. you don't have to label yourself with something that you're not comfortable with. 2. most people are not exclusively gay or straight. it's about what you're attracted more to. bisexuality is when you have a strong attraction for both sexes to the point where it's 50/50. in your case, you're more attracted to guys than girls which would mean you fall on the gay side of things. you may attracted to girls but guys do it for you.

    it's a difficult concept to understand because i'm in the process of dealing with it myself. it's very easy to fall into denial or bargaining because you think that because you find a woman attractive or get sexually aroused to one that changes the whole entire situation. however, in reality, when you look at everything such as having crushes on other guys, you fantasize about being with them, and etc, you start to realize that you are indeed not.

    i can most definitely relate to your situation, man. its annoying as hell and at the same time, it may be hard as hell to deal with when you had in your mind for all these years that you're not gay and have an internal struggle of some sort to the point where you get confused.

    my question to you is have you ever been with a woman before? i too was extremely picky to the point where i was waiting for the "right female" to come along because the girls i saw really didn't do it for me and when i did see an attractive female who i probably did have a shot at getting with, i was afraid that she wouldn't do it for me where i had to confront the fact that i was indeed gay.
     
    #5 needshelp, Nov 10, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2011
  6. kellymporta

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    Thanks for the replies people. After thinking these last couple of hours, I think I finally found a way to describe the confusion I feel right now. The thing is, for practical purposes I'm completely gay. That means that every time I'm horny I'm usually thinking about guys. But the confusion arises when sexual arousment isn't clouding my judgement. When I'm not horny, I would probably find more girls beautiful than guys. Its like I'm gay when I'm horny, but bisexual (leaning towards straight) when I'm not horny.

    In response to your question, I've never had a girlfriend in my life. Also, I actually experience something similar to the situation you describe. I feel that that I'm too picky when trying to find an attractive girl, and the few girls that I do find attractive are way out of my league (specially if I have to compete with straights guys while I'm just damaged goods).
     
  7. needshelp

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    yeah, exactly. can totally relate to what you put. i'm going to guess you had many opportunities as well to get a girlfriend or to have sex with a woman but they didn't turn you on.

    i think another thing which i can see that you're doing and what i've done and also do here and there is that i think that i equate wanting an attractive woman or being picky towards women as a sign that you're straight. which straight man doesn't want to be with an attractive woman or a woman with a nice body? but looking back at everything though, i don't think that finding someone attractive or good looking or even getting sexually aroused means a thing because when you get something like a crush, it feels a lot different than let's say admiring someone's beauty. you know when your brain starts working towards the person you have a crush on where you're looking at them and thinking deeply at the same time where you're trying to keep yourself in check to not show your true feelings towards the person. i'm sure you can relate.
     
  8. kellymporta

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    I know what you mean. I find some girls attractive, yet thinking about girls doesn't give me that special feeling I get when I find a guy attractive. Reading your answers is making me think that I'm gay since I totally identify with your experiences and you identify as a gay guy.

    I guess that the only reason I don't want to identify myself as gay is that it would kill any hope of getting a wife and making my family happy.:icon_sad:
     
  9. gary1955

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    There seems to be a problem sorting out physical or emotional attractions toward either gender. Being bisexual? Best of both worlds.
     
  10. elietto92

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    The question you have to ask yourself is, would you rather have sex with a girl or guy? Would you rather have a committed loving relationship with a guy or girl? Do you prefer a mans touch or a girls touch?

    This is how I figured myself out when I wanted accept myself. It really worked for me as well as having thoughts about what I would rather feel comfortable with a gorl or a guy.

    Hope I helped :slight_smile:
     
  11. Omla

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    I'm uncertain about all of the above ?s
     
  12. amac1985

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    Guess he's gay by his profile orientation. Good for him.