Crazy friend? weird request... ugh.

One of the most important things to do when providing peer support is to set good boundaries. Your refusal to make that post on Facebook is an excellent example of good boundary setting. But it sounds like you need to set more boundaries than just that. Your friend is calling you about issues that you are not equipped to handle. And you shouldn't have to. These are issues she should be addressing to a therapist. And it's perfectly okay to say, "Look, I know you're having problems, but I can't help you right now. You should talk about this with your therapist, not me." If your friend threatens to kill or hurt herself, tell her to call a crisis line.

This isn't cruel, it's necessary. When people try to get counseling from their friends, it makes things worse. It strains the relationship between friends, and gives them an excuse not to go to the people who can help: psychologists and psychiatrists.

If your friend isn't seeing a therapist, encourage her to do so. Make sure she's taking her meds if she has any (a lot of people miss their meds or refuse to take them).

Your role as her friend is to support her, not to counsel her and certainly not to talk her down from crises.

 

I agree with the above. Speaking as someone who's been in a position similar to your friend's - prolonged grief after a breakup and such - it's wonderful to have friends there to help you when you need them, but if she's still as "up and down" as she was at first, or worse, after 7 months, seeing a therapist might not be a bad idea. One friend (okay, a few) suggested that I do the same when I was in that position, and quite frankly it was the best thing they could have done for me.

Set boundaries, be there for your friend when you can, but don't take on the role of therapist or emotional counselor. If you're not trained, it won't help them in the long run anyway, and you'll just make yourself frustrated (as you're already experiencing).

 

Hey maybe if you do meet her, it might be handy to bring a few friends along or friends you both know. Get them to back you up, it would definatelly be more effective than reasoning with her alone. If she starts her whining and complaining, change the topic and focus your friends instead.

 

It sounds like you are trying to fix her problems, or that you feel responsible for making her happy. You have no control over that. No matter what you do or say, you can't keep her from being depressed, irrational or suicidal. I think you need to accept her for who she is which, unfortunately, may be a manipulative and irrational person.

If you can't accept that, then perhaps you should consider ending the friendship, or, at least, ending the pattern of friendship you've had up to now. You can't make her a different person, but you can decide what sort of people you want as friends, as well as how much time and effort you want to put into them.

Honestly, it sounds to me like she is not capable of being a friend at this point in her life and what she really needs is a therapist. You are not her therapist. If it were me, I'd say something like, "Let's have coffee next week and I'll listen to what's going on in your life for an hour," then I'd ignore her until that date. One hour, once a week, seems reasonable. It's not your problem if she doesn't like it. If she complains, say, "I have a lot going on right now and this is all the time I have at the moment. See you next week."

 

Uhg, this sounds so much like the person I'm living with... :/

You need to put your foot down, plain and simple. Trust me, people like this leech off you and lead to emotional drains. Are you tired a lot, especially after being around her? More irritable? Having health problems like headaches, stomachaches? If so, then for sure, she is toxic and you need to distance yourself from this person.

I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this... but you don't HAVE to. She sounds intensely negative-- she wants to have coffee with you just so you can tell her how ugly two people are-- and she needs mental health treatment. Friends don't rely on other friends to keep themselves from committing suicide; you're afraid of not picking up a phone, for goodness sake. That is not right. She has you trained to take care of her, to indulge her, and that's not healthy at all.

And ahh, the old "therapists don't work" line. Sorry, but that should read "I don't like therapy because they try to change how I behave and I don't want to change, I don't need help because how I behave is fine by me".

Seriously consider backing off for a while. Create some polite fictions if you must-- you have an interview to prepare for, your family member is sick, whatever-- but take a break and seriously consider if this is the sort of friendship you want. I suspect it isn't, but you don't have to be trapped in this endless cycle of drama. It's not easy, but you can end it. She'll try and drag you back into it... they always do... but if you want to reclaim your life, it's possible.

 

You are right to be frustrated. Dealing with someone with a metal health issue is very difficult because they don't think like you do, so it is hard to communicate. As someone who has dealt with mental health issues, I can tell you that it is genuinely difficult for her to believe you when you say that she is a good person. You have been a great friend up to now, but it is reasonable that you should question your role in her life, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You are not her therapist. You are her friend. You should focus your efforts on getting her the long term help she needs. Most importantly, you should not and cannot take responsibility for her happiness. It is dangerous for both of you. You because it will leave you emotional vulnerable when you are unable to help her, and her because she probably needs a professional, which you are not.

The best way forward would be to get in contact with a relative that can and ought to be more directly responsible. It is difficult to say no to someone who needs you, perhaps to stay alive. But in the end she is using you. Try to get her the help she needs and find someone to fill your position, like a parent or a government social worker (or if you are still in college a dean) and if she won't cooperate, then the choice is up to you. But I would not judge you for moving on. it sounds like you have done your best.