I've been trying to come out for a few weeks now, I'm pretty sure I'm ready but when it comes to trying to tell some one I bottle it and just can't bring myself to say it. I don't really know what I'm scared of, I'm sure some of my family know (and think I'm with my best friend) and I suppose I know they'd be ok with it, my sister would always be asking me if I was gay and saying she'd rather me come out, and one time she asked my mum what if I was gay and my mum said she'd love me know matter what. I know this would have been the best time to have come out but I still couldn't bring myself to tell them 'yes I was' (mainly because I was still trying to deny it) but at the same time I didn't say I weren't I just changed the subject. Recently I've been trying to tell some friends but I still struggle to find the words, even though I'm sure all of these friends are fine with it (they have other friends or relatives who are gay.) I need someone to talk to about it though, who is close to me and who I can trust, I'm starting to think that it may just be because part of me is still in denial and telling someone will just make it real. How can I get passed this fear of telling someone and just be open and proud about myself?
Hi, and welcome to EC. It can be *really* hard to take that first step. And maybe part of it's holding on to that last shred of possibility by not saying it to others, but honestly, it may just be the fear everyone has... of being judged, of exposing our shame, of talking about our sexual selves. Some people find it much easier/safer to come out over an email or facebook message or even a text message. One person I know couldn't bring himself to tell his dad, so he finally texted him. Of course, if you can do it, it's better to do it in person, but telling someone over text or email or fb is better than not telling them at all. It sounds like your sis already knows, so that might be a great place to start. If I were to guess, I'd suspect your mom knows too (moms seem to always know!) So maybe you could write a short note, send a text, leave a copy of "The Gay Teen's Guide to Life" sitting on the kitchen table "accidentally" or something like that
If you find yourself backing out of situations, a good way to 'commit' yourself to coming out is to let them know beforehand that you need to tell them something. For example, you could send them a text message saying "I need to tell you something, can you please remind me when I see you?" Then it'll be them opening the conversation rather than you, which should make it easier. Also (although a lot of people don't view it as ideal) you could come out to someone through the message/phone call/email itself. Personally I was far too petrified to come out in person, so doing it this way was really helpful. It also allowed me to be alone afterwards and gather my thoughts; I don't know how comfortable and composed I would've been if the other person was there. But I'm a bit of a loner, so other people may prefer to have immediate support. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, I'm pretty sure everyone feels the same coming out for the first time. The good thing is that the second is much easier, and the third is much easier still, and so on .
Hi thanks for replying ... I've tried coming out on facebook and by texts before but it's either they think I'm just joking (and then I can never correct them) or I say I was joking because I weren't happy with the way I came out (I feel like I NEED to do it in person so there's no going back.) I know I give off some sort of 'gay vibe' because a lot of people have asked me if I'm gay (including some of my close friends) but I just change the subject rather than just say yes.
Hey try not to be so hard on yourself, a lot of people have to attempt to come out several times before they actually manage it especially the first time. If you find people think you are joking by text or facebook then perhaps you could write a short letter and then go for a coffee or something with your friend and you could give them the letter so you know you will be happy with how you word it but then you will be there to answer questions or to confirm that it isnt a joke but you wont actually have to get the words out to begin with. Im sure as you wouldnt normally write letters like that they will know you are for real.
It sounds like your mom and your sister won't thing you are joking if you send them a message. Actually, it sounds like they already know you are gay, and have tried to talk to you about it, but you weren't able to talk to them. So, they will know you're serious, because you surely wouldn't joke about it. If you come out to them, I think they will take it seriously, even over a text message. And, I don't think there is any reason it would be better to tell them in person; it's not like you need to break it to them gently, or manage their reaction in any way. I mean, we are talking about people who have already expressed their support for you coming out. They basically came to you and said, "please come out to us, we will love you just the same." Because really, they know already. And they love you just the same. Coming out to them in this situation isn't really about telling them anything they don't know. Instead, it's about letting them know that they are allowed to acknowledge it, and getting their support. Whatever way works most easily for you will be fine.
