Deus Ex Machina

Greetings...

Vi veri veniversum vivus vici
= "By the power of truth, I while living, have conquered the universe" And that is precisley what I intend to do in this post. Be utterly truthful about my predicament and hopefully conquer my little personal universe.

....and yes, I am starting with a Latin phrase just to mess with you. :eusa_danc



Basically, In this thread, I just want to present a picture of all the problems in my life at the moment. I'm not really asking for advice, though if you think you can provide some, please go ahead.


But before I start let me warn you that this will probably be an Exceedingly Long and Very Detailed Post. I am going to *attempt to overcome my natural tendency to be very secretive, so be prepared for a lot of scrolling and skim-reading. Don't feel you have to read everything, I tend to blab a lot.


Anyway, I do suppose I should make some attempt to begin with the earliest relevant plot, seeing as we all appear to be infatuated with chronological order. :dry:





Well. If there has been one constant in my life, it would have to be, abnormality. Even when I was young, I recognised that there were things that differentiated me from the 'herd' and over time, I came to like that 'special-ness'. My family looked different to most. My mother was more outspoken that most, and even more radically to some, had dark skin. My father on the other-hand was the oddball Australian accountant, and between them they raised a Vegetarian family that stressed the importance of individuality and education - and switched countries of residence every four years or so. By the time I reached the age of 13, I'd lived in nearly 12 different houses across 4 different countries, and had become pretty good at making new friends of some kind, no matter where I lived. My parents enjoyed travelling, and so throughout my life I had the privilege of a life perspective widened by exposure to different cultures. For much of my early life I was that funny little mixed-race kid. Good at school, obsessed with books, and with a quirky, endlessly curious personality to boot. I was planning on being an 'inventor' when I grew up, and my Visual Encyclopaedia promised me an endlessly diverse world in which to enjoy my life. Sure I had my fair share of physical and mental bullying, an odd complexion always made you an obvious target. But for the most part, my life seemed....on-track.

But...


Back around September of this year, I fell into, well basically, depression. I don't know if it was as a result of the looming trial final exams, or just my turn to be in a malaise, but life got pretty dark. I still had no idea what my goals for after school were other than 'get into uni' and I felt I was really falling short of my (and my parents) expectations for academic achievement. I felt stressed, and saddened by the entire prospect of a life that seemed to be becoming one long string of academic disappointments and failures, and because school was still my main focus, I distracted myself as much as possible - mostly through the internet. I retreated into my studies, barley interacting with parents who, as I saw it, didn't understand what I was going through - and were far to busy asking me superficial questions about my study - to care. I found myself losing interest in the rest of my family, both parents and my younger sister, and I came to the realisation that I really didn't care about their well-being at all. Their attempts to ask me about my exams, my aspirations for after the exams, or if I could help them with a simple chore - became downright irritating - and when my grand-mother's funeral was held, I wasn't particularly surprised to find that I was one of the few grand-kids that didn't cry at all, before or after the service.



Things continued to get worse throughout the exam period, until I reached the point where I began to seriously consider suicide. I'd had similar 'episodes' before, on occasions where bullying had gotten really bad, but never to this degree. Several nights I fell asleep in my bathroom, unable to quite bring myself to cut myself with my mothers sewing scissors. I guess despite how terrible I felt, and how much I longed to externalise some of the dead emptiness I felt inside - I just couldn't over-ride my instinct for self-preservation. Or my dislike for those who self-harm. One day, walking home from the train-station I realised that the bridge I crossed everyday could easily serve to end my life. Thankfully I was worried that a passing car might see me. An odd reason to forgo suicide I suppose, but It was enough to give me second thoughts...



As it turned out, a close friend of mine had been through similarly rough times before (and had the self-inflicted scars to prove it.) He and I got talking, after he finally noticed how flat and dejected I was looking at school. How little sleep I seemed to be getting. We talked extensively, both online, and face-to-face. His problems were more extensive than mine, and invovled not only self-harm, but a malicious uncle, a dying grandmother, and increasing domestic pressures. He never really managed to come up with an answer to the oppressive melancholy I felt towards everything, but just the feeling that someone else was going through similar - or worse circumstances than my own - and that we could talk openly about each other's woes - somehow made it all more bearable. I never told my parents about my depression, and they never appeared to notice.



And then, as if things weren't bad enough....after the trial exams, I had a realisation....


I ran across some old documents I'd tucked away in a folder on my hard-drive. The files documented some personal online reading I'd done about five years back, surrounding the issue of transsexualism. You see, at age 13 I'd gone through a 'phase' where I'd dressed up in my mother's underwear on a couple of occasions, and did a lot of reading on gender, sexuality, and a whole host of LGBT issues. I identified with a lot of the statements written by transgendered individuals, so for the course of our holiday to France I made efforts to present as femininely as possible, and explore how I felt about my own gender. Needless to say, upon my return to school (an all-boys, private, Catholic school) - these....interests.....dipped off of my radar, and I forgot about the pair of panties secreted at the bottom of my sock-draw.


But then, after my period of depression, and (thankfully) after my trial exams - I re-discovered my documents on Trans-sexualism, and while I can't remember exactly how it happened something just clicked... It was like I said to myself. "What if I was trans? How would I feel?" And I surprised myself when I realised I wouldn't feel any different. In fact the prospect somewhat excited me. It was as though a light-bulb literally appeared above my head. Feelings I'd long taken for granted - strange thoughts I seemed to share with none of my friends, incidents where I'd envied girls for their simple gift of being a girl. All these ideas started to awaken in my mind.....or perhaps...more accurately....resurface. It was as though they'd always been there, under mouldy old white sheets, and now I was peeling back the grimy linen, and marvelling at all the strange and wonderful furniture stashed underneath.


I don't know how, or why. But I realised that I had always wanted - in some dark corner of my mind - to be a girl. I'd long been in touch with my feminine side, more so than most of my friends. But this was different. I wasn't thinking like a girl. I just was one. Plain and simple.



The more I thought about it, the more things seemed to make sense. I'd long considered girls as better friends (friendship I was deprived of in my boys-only highschool) although I never quite figured out why I preffered their company. I'd questioned why I wasn't allowed to play with the girls, ever since Preschool, and it frustrated me to no end, that none of the girls would play with us. All my life I'd found sexism irritating. To the point that I would angrily tell my friends off for daring to mention the words; "....girls always.." or "..boy's don't..." Sexism became my pet-peeve. To my mind, society was still fundamentally sexist, and the balance was firmly tipped against girls/women. It seemed like all the idealism of the Suffragette's that I'd read about - had been lost - and few of the girls I knew seemed to know or care.


I realise now that I was probably more of a feminist than a campaigner for gender equality, and much of that feminism was probably born out of a desire to bring myself closer in some small way - to females. I wasn't born a girl, so I did the next best thing, fought their social battles for them.




So there's as breif a history as I could manage.
Now I'll just try to outline where my life is at. Right now. On the 10th of November 2011. I'll try to focus on the Trans issues - seeing as those are most relevant to this forum - but I may need to slip in a few basic school-leavers worries, to give a bit of context. Feel free to ignore these - I'm sure everyone my age has them - and reply only on the one's regarding sexual disposition/gender/sex.

• First and foremost is my inability to decide whether or not I really AM transgender. Since having my little realisation, I've recognised that there is a kind of "female-me" hidden under what I'd previously considered to be the 'real me'. It's nothing like split-personalities, more like....the person I've been presenting as, and believing myself to be, over the past years, is more of a mask, or an act that I've been putting on. I've become rather comfortable in this 'character' but If I behave precisely as I feel at any given time, If I don't 'moderate' my thoughts or actions, then an entirely separate person emerges, and she's sure she's female. So far I've been unable to give this female-me a sperate name, mostly because I don't feel a separation between my "normal" masculine self and my feminine one. There's no switch of perspective or anything, I just stop behaving in a manner that most people deem as appropriate. The rub comes with the fact that while I personally prefer letting my girl'ness shine through, while it seems more honest and, just downright more comfortable - I'm having real issues on deciding to 'let myself go' 24/7. My mind's made up on the issues of HRT, SRS and feminising plastic surgery - I want them - whether I present as a 'male' or a 'female' - but I seem to have trouble deciding to commit to full-time living as a 'man' or a 'woman'. I feel like being a girl could be more enjoyable/comfortable but I've worn my normal-guy-mask for so long, It seems kinda weird to just chuck it away without a backwards glance. So I guess this is probably my central issue. Deciding whether I go ahead along the path of transsexualism, which for whatever reason, seems so appealing to me. Or else I follow the path I started on. As a weird guy of some sort. :dry: maybe I'm just bi-gendered. I know these things can take time....but...
  
  
• This ties into my first point. It would probably be a lot easier to pick a path, if I had to ability to consult someone about it, or open up to my parents about the issue. My initial attitude towards telling my parents was simply not to tell them at all costs - and wait until I'm living independently to start transitioning, but now I'm beginning to realise that this may not be such a viable option, and that my parents are central to a lot of my issues. As for why I don't want to tell them....it's mostly the simple reason that I don't share anything with my parents, and something this personal...I feel even less inclined to share. While my parents are very open-minded, considerate people, I still feel that they'd have trouble's coming to terms with their only son suddenly expressing a desire to become a girl - mean they had trouble enough when I told them one of my friends was gay... However, on the flipside, there are several very good reason TOO tell my parents. First and foremost is that I still rely on their money for all my finances. I'm working on getting a job as soon as possible, but so is every other post-exam student my age. I'll need money for a consultation with a therapist/psychologist, and later, clothes etc. In addition, my parents also retain possession of our family Medicare card. In Australia, private health insurance is compulsory, and to make any kind of medical appointment, one needs one's medicare card. I can hardly try and convince my parents to hand over our family health-insurance card, to book an appointment with a psychologist, paid for with their money - for a reason I can't even tell them about? :eusa_naug In a sense I almost feel I'm being forced to tell them....
  
  
• Along with issues of telling someone...comes the problem of lonliness. Around the same time I realised that I may be a potential Trans, I started getting intense, almost physically painful sensations of loneliness. I've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, but It's gotten to the stage where I'm taking extra pillows to bed to cuddle in my sleep, and peering enviously at couples in the streets. I really feel like I need someone in my life, on an emotional and physical level. I could use the emotional support and my body seems to be crying out for physical contact - not of the sexual variety - that's another point in and of itself. But I do also wish I had someone to talk to about this whole TG issue. I've already confessed to one of my good friends from school - the same one I told about my derpression, and he's taken it pretty well. He seems to have no problem with it whatsoever, and we've talked about it quite a bit, but It's just not the same as having someone who's been through or is going through similar feelings. I have poked around quite a bit online, and I am slowly building up a network - but I do need to make some more progress on this. I've also been contemplating coming-out to my other friends, but I really don't feel it would be fair to do so until I've got a clear picture of whether or not I do indeed identify as trans, or anything else that needs me to come out about
  
  
• As for sexual stuffs - I've never really been interested in sex. Indeed I still intend to remain a virgin for much of my natural life. But the realisation that I may be trans has had an interesting effect on how I perceive my sexuality. I've come to the conclusion, that I'm still largely attracted to girls on emotional basis, but that I'm open to the idea of an emotional relationship with a guy. As a girl, I seem to be attracted mostly to girls, although much more sexually than as a guy. My interest in guys (as a girl) is moderate, and far more sexual than as a guy. The best way I've been able to explain this is that I'm a Bi-curious / possibly pansexual guy - and a lesbian/ bi-sexual girl To add more bubbles to the mix, I have always had to imagine myself as a girl, in order to masturbate, and ever since puberty I've disliked my male genitals, to the degree of waving a filleting knife in their general direction on one occasion. I also simply cannot conceive having heterosexual intercourse with a girl. I dislike my genitals too much to consider penetrating someone with them, or even letting someone else touch them :icon_redf So I've had that to come to terms with as well...
  
  
• Speaking of coming to terms with....I'm also trying to deal with all of this stuff in the context of completing my final exams and sorting out applications to uni. Deciding my future career pathways, what I want to study and what I want to do with the rest of my life. This whole 'identity crisis' (as my friend terms it) throws all of that out of whack. Nevermind if I'll get into the uni I want, are they allowed to have transitioning students in the dorms? How the hell would I afford my medication? Would the student body accept me? Can one even study while transitioning? HRT can play around with your brain chemistry quite a lot. It'll be hard enough trying to find my way around campus, juggle my new subjects, and make new friends - without trying worrying that people might 'read' me as the wrong gender. What's more, all of my contemporaries seem to be overtaking me. They've got positions in courses sorted, applications to colleges arranged, and are well on their way to the next stage of their lives. Meanwhile I'm stuck in Limbo, unsure as to which path to take, or even who I want to be as I travel it. My parents arn't helping either; what with their constant concern that I'm not expressing the joy and exitement I clealry should be for: "...the beginning of the rest of your life." Maybe they should try filling in a College application form, and getting stuck at the "male or female?" checkbox for fifteen minutes with a sense of forlorn melancholy. Nothing exciting about that.
  
  
• Another part of this problem is my inability to leave it alone. I just can't. No matter what. Seem to bannish this constant worrying over TG issues. No matter where I go, or what I do, I'm constantly evaluating myself, trying to work out what I really want. Even more depressing, I'v realised I can't really go out on the streets anymore, as I spend a lot of my time staring with a mixture of jealously and sad longing at the cute girls that pass me, the young successful businesses women, or even the crappy ads for tampons. Anything with the slightest whiff of feminity to it, makes me feel sad and left-out. Any mention of "normal young men" just makes me feel isolated and resentful.

Anyway. So that's where I currently stand. Sorry for the length. But I really wanted to cover everything, so that you have a clear picture of how it all fits together. Any comments will be most appreciated.


In addition, my father has just casually mentioned at the dinner table, that it would be "particularly helpful", if I could travel up to the small country town where my grandfather lives, and spend this forthcoming week just looking after him as he comes to grips with the death of his wife 6 months ago. Never mind the fact that I might have been planning to use these weeks to sort out my life. I hate this - primarily because If I was to reject it I'd be frowned upon by my parents, and my conscience would never leave me alone.



Also - for those of you wondering about how I came up with the odd title for this post, it's simple. I wish some contrived plot-device would appear and solve all of my problems.

PS: - It's my birthday tomorrow :dry: Huzzah... :eusa_booh

 

Wow, thanks for the speedy reply. And on my birthday no-less :eusa_clap

Isn't it funny. When someone advises you on something, and you realise it was a conclusion you'd already reached yourself.

But that's running ahead a bit really.

Firstly i need to thank you for braving the depths of that massive post. Sorry I clogged up the froum with that monster :icon_redf it seemed even bigger when I re-read it this morning, and you definitely deserve some sort of medal for getting through the whole thing. :king:


Now as for the issue of telling my parents:

*sigh*

I won't pretend that I didn't see this coming. I felt sure that if nothing else, one of the responses I would get to this post would be "tell your parents!". It's not as if I really even have a very credible reason not to. As you say, they are very open-minded and caring people, and even if they weren't and the worse case-scenario played out (I got kicked out and disowned) it wouldn't really matter that much to me. It might just be the kick-start I need to begin independent life. You don't really appreciate what you have, and I KNOW I have been taking a sheltered, all-expenses-paid, family life for a long time now.

That being said, I still have a seemingly insurmountable desire NOT to tell them. I honestly can't really explain it. As you said. There's a blatant path between seeing professional help and telling my parents, but I still have an almost pathological....not quite fear....more....dislike. At the idea of coming out to them. It's almost as though....I like having parts of me that they don't know about, secrets etc I guess this is why I always refrain from sharing anything with them. And this whole TG thing seems to be the biggest thing I've kept from them. Not only that, but it really is a part of me. Wrestling with this issue seems so intensely personal, I don't want another soul - except maybe a counciler or my soul-mate - to know about. It's a pathetic lien of reasoning I know, and I'm really shooting myself in the foot - but I probably will keep following this stupid 'secrecy principle' until something gives way. I just get sick of being jealous of women in the streets, or my parents yell at me about shouldering the responsibilities of being a 'young man".

I guess deep down - I kind of want to tell them. I've read a lot of the coming-out stories on this site (yes I do Intent to hang around here for a while longer - it's good support network) and It really has made me feel as though I might be missing out on something by not sharing my problems. The rather shiny potential benefits of being able to see a councillor are also weighing heavily on my mind. But I just can't escape the fact that I feel no obligation to tell them.....As much as I recognise what they've done for my life so far, and thank them for that....I just feel as if they haven't earn my trust/admiration enough to warrant me telling them such a big secret. Yes I know, as my parents they have a practical right to know about my life, particularly the big things...but I don't really care about them or their rights at the moment.

I'm sure every person who has to come out to their parents about something, has similar thoughts and reservations, and someone will probably slap me in a reply about how lucky I am to have a stable, caring family. But I still have real issues with my estimates on my parents response to this issue. My father I'm sure will be confused, perhaps even angry. i used to have a problem with telling the truth, interestingly, only around my parents - but he used to get quite mad when we had to deal with that, so I'm not sure if he'd become "angry+interest" with all these years I've been supposedly lying to myself and him about who I think I may be. Lying issues aside, I remember his response when we had a fire-side chat about one of my school-friends, who'd recently announced himself as gay, and my father seemed rather skeptical that anyone in this day and age really was gay preferring instead the explanation that: "...they act that way to fit into the gay social group." :rolle:

My mother on the other hand may be more accepting. She's been fighting against societies limited expectation of both women, and dark-skinned people all her life - so she may appreciate her 'son' making himself a minority of a minority. But she's also the one that wears the pants in their relationship, and the one that I'm constantly having minor and major shouting matches with over the littlest of things, so I can't imagine how loud the voices will get if she dosn't take this well. I also have a nagging feeling that even if she does come to accept what I may be, and how this all may have been mucking up my life, it is quite likely that she'll respond with first anger that I never mentioned this - and second, refusal of any medical intervention. My mother dosn't exaclty hate the medical establishement, but I just know she'd be very unwilling to drag me to a counciller/psychologist - and I just know as soon as I mention HRT that I'll have to sit through a least a week's worth of :tantrum: . Ah well. I guess that's just life. Starving kids in Africa have to deal with far worse.

Also - thanks for suggesting Counselling - that's now the 4th suggestion I've gotten to get myself some professional help. Don't worry - soon my ego will fall off it's golden throne, and I'll figure out how to get enough money to make an appointment.

As for loneliness. Perhaps I didn't really make myself clear in my first post. I've been swearing to myself and my parents that I wouldn't get a girlfriend, since I was about 3 years old. I still firmly beleive that I won't get married, at least not in the conventional sense, but it turns out I'm something of a romantic, and in the past five years I've come to realise that finding a 'soul-mate'ish partner to spend all my days with is precisely what I want in life. I am however, perfectly unwilling to, at least at this stage, make an significant steps in this direction. I don't attend parties, I've never dated, and neither do I want to. As stupid as my logic may be, I'm kinda enjoying dream of an ideal partner, while doing nothing to make it come true. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I have however noticed that - after coming to my little trans-realisation, I've gotten physically lonely. No not in a sexual sense, more in a: "If I had someone to cuddle, who I knew that would be beside me for the rest of my life, this would be a ton easier, and I wouldn't worry about uni or anything else for that matter." kind of way. I'm not really worried about being an oddball. Like I said, I've been one all my life. It's my thing and I do it well.

As for sorting out the rest of my life. Wise words. I thank ye for them. I guess I'm not really worried about my lack of plans, or how they would pan out if I had them, more like, how this potentially-trans thing may impact on any plans I might have had.


Finally:

What to do now. Well I've kinda made it clear that I can't really make any progress until I have either my parents blessing or their wallet and thier medicare card. I was planning on getting a job sometime in the next week, mainly to help with my own lack of wallet, but I'm not sure how many employers around here are trans-friendly. Not like it would really matter I suppose, seeing as nothing much physical is likely to happen until I convince a councillor I really am abnormal in more than the usual ways (oxymoron?).

I guess another concern that I have, which I didn't mention in the first post was the problems I'm having determining how much of this whole issue is my fault. By that I mean, how much of my consideration of possibly being trans, is as a result of the fact that I seem to be attracted to the idea of being trans. I really am worried that if I do go ahead with this, I'll discover in a years time that It was only some weird phase, or something that I liked the sound of, rather than an actual psychological condition that I needed help with. I really can't seem to stop obsessing about this and I'm worried that I'm only doing it In some vauge attempt to make myself seem more interesting - as a reaction to the soul-crushing despondency I'm feeling in the wake of two exams


I guess what I really want is a way of being able to tell whether I really am trans or not (yes I know this is something I have to establish by myself, over time, but i wish it wasn't.) Then I could simply go an yell at my parents "I want to be a girl." - pound them into sympathetic submission - steal their wallet and medicare card - see a councillor - buy myself a new wardrobe - start getting excited over HRT - and plan out my Uni/career options.

*sigh*

I guess life is challenging at times like this - so that the easy parts can be appreciated.




Well thanks again for your well-thought out response, and wish me luck! I turn 18 today. Huzzah I can now go an drown my sorrows in drink - which is apparently what ever young post-exam 18 year-old guy is expected to do. :rolle: You know what, I don't mind hating alcohol, so sorry to dissapoint you society, but I'm just going to enjoy my day by ruminating on deep philosophical thoughts on life, the universe and everything. :

 

Thanks Faustus :3

I was endlessly pleased to receive your post, if for no other reason than because it indicated another person I've got to help me through this. I have been trying to view Uni as a fresh start over these past couple of days...I really do think it maybe be beneficial to start again with a clean canvas. Of course I have no idea what to paint yet - but doubtless that will come to me in time.

Of course what dosn't kill you, makes you stronger Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Thank you for your offer of council, perhaps I will take you up on it sometime soon.

As for Rememberance day - I'm in a seperate time-zone and ahead of you. We've already remembered the millions of lives lost in human conflict, and being born on this day, the thought is never far from my mind..

Sorry if I seem a bit irrate above but never has a year gone past with me failing to contemplate the debt of lives that war generates. Especially on Rememberance day. Hard to forget when your born on the actual day of the signing of the Armistice. :dry:

 

As I said Faustus - thanks for your help. Say happy birthday to your cousin to me, and if I came across as overtly critical/irrate I do apologise. Yesterday was a hard day for me.

---------- Post added 12th Nov 2011 at 07:21 AM ----------

Thanks again for your wise words Jim.

And yes, I do have quite a lot to say I'm afraid, I guess it comes of never speaking of this to anyone at any great length.

As for coming out.....I do suppose you are right. Now that I look at it, I realise I've been holding out until I've known for certain whether I am, or am not, Trans - before I've told my parents. I guess the logic here was simply; "Don't drop what may be a massive bomb-shell, if your still not even certain that it's your bombshell to drop. But I can see your point at the same time. It's almost like a catch 22. I probably won't be able to determine if that shell belongs to me or not - without the professional help that I can't get until I at least hint at it's existence. :eusa_doh:

It is quite interesting how much of an ingrained resistence we have for stopping and asking for help, me more than most. I wonder how on earth that develops. It's probably got something to do with our capitalistic-centric society that values the 'self-made man/woman' and it's probably hard to convey the image of a successful businessman/woman, if your spending half your days in a pyschologists chair.

Ah well....I'll just have to surmount my fears.


I must admit though....I have no idea how I'd go about presenting the idea that I might be trans to my parents. Assuming I can't wait to just say: "I am a transsexual" - I'm going to have to try and half-come out to them.....or I guess it's not really coming out, seing as I don't know what I'm coming out as... Again any advice on how the hell one comes out about something one hasn't exactly decided on yet, would be most appreciated. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't you need conviction when trying to convince people close to you of the sincerity of feelings/emotions that you've kept hidden from them so far?

I'm new to this whole thing, so I'm working purely off postulation here - hence why I value your input so much, but don't feel you have to reply. I kind of wish that some other people had replied to this thread (aside from Faustus ), so I wouldn't feel so guilty for essentially running a PM discussion in a thread.

Maybe I should direct all these questions at someone else? I don't know.....

*sigh*

I'm sure every person feels this way when they start out...

But I'm just getting sick and tired of my parents not being able to see this issue - and me not knowing where, or when to start revealing it to them. This last week has been particualrly torturous. If they're not drawing comparisons to what other boys are doing during this post-exam break, and how much better off they are for doing these things. They're dropping a load of "..you've made us proud son." or "...let's go celebrate the end of your exams..." or "...the way I see it, your a young man with the world at your feet.". No matter how sincere they may be, all this nonsense just makes me feel sad, and irritated. But they can't stop spouting it until I tell them what's wrong. :rolle:

I don't even know how to begin telling them.....and once I do.....does anything change? I want it to change...I want to make progress on this....I want to be certain what I am - and what I'm going to do about...

Sorry I guess I kind of dissolved into incoherent moaning - and look - this post's just as long as the last couple :bang:

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I've just returned after being dragged to the farm by my parents for the weekend (yet more postulating about how great my life was, and trying to get me to show off my manliness by carrying heavy crap around :dry: ) - so that's why I didn't shower you with thanks for this excellent suggestion.

This is precisely what I was looking for...I've done some research around Medicare, but the government website is almost damned impenetrable, and I didn't have a clue I could apply for my own card. I may consider that before I come out...would definitely make things easier, especially if things turn out badly.

Thanks again FoxFire11 :eusa_clap - (!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh...:rolle: Derp - I should have guessed as much. :icon_wink

As for the whole coming out thing....

Considering FoxFire's excellent contributions, do you still think I should alert my parents Jim? I know in your first post you described me as "an ideal candidate for counselling" - and perhaps I'm just a little nervous because I've never discussed these sort of matters with my parents - but I really don't want to have to tell my parents if I don't absolutley have to. And despite there undoubtedly being a "preferable" road to happiness, it's still my life and I can do as I please - but I'd still like a little adivce/warning, before I plunge into a potential mistake.

In addition - you mentioned in your last post - that I could phrase my concerns in such a way as to not alert my 'rent's to the fact that I may potentially be TG. Could I get some general notes / outline on how to go about doing that? I'm normally good at holding and shaping a conversation, but even thinking about how that sort of discussion would occur is making me feel lacking in confidence. What sort of premise should I go in with? Basically, what do I need to say in order to get me to councilling without alerting her to a potentially unfavourable topic? :icon_bigg - and yes I know that's a fairly incongrous question, but your best attempt at an awnser will be most appreciated

Also:

I'm sure this is another common trait of all people questioning their self-image, but I really am beginning to feel the pressure to do something about this issue. Perhaps I just havn't been able to experiment with my femininity properly, but I am having real trouble banishing these thoughts from my head, even for the short periods of time I was able to during school. Not a second goes by that I'm not pondering one aspect of this - and going out in the streets is now practically impossible. I'm sure this is a case of mind over matter, but I just can't seem to stop looking at girls in the streets and feeling sad, inadequate, jealous....almost a sense of longing. It really is at the point that I'm starting to frustrate myself. It's like some sort of weird mental affliction that I just can't escape. Magazines, newspapers, games, TV, even the back of shampoo cartons...anywhere there's the mention of the 'fairer sex' I feel....longing I guess... In addition to feeling all sad and self-deprecative over even the faintest whiff of femininity, I'm feeling an urgent need to just lay aside this issue, coupled with a growing sense of excitement. Which makes little sense to me....there's nothing really on the horizon as far as possible solutions to this "issue" go, yet each day I feel more and more restless, as though christmas has been bumped closer a couple of weeks, and I'm actually expecting presents for some odd reason....

I really am worried about the predominance these thoughts are having on my mind, even mundane worries get twisted around to a tg-angle, and I honestly havn't stopped thinking about this thing for....wow...must be 3-4 weeks now...I hate to say it, but I do feel like I'm obsessing over this a bit. It can't really be healthy. I mean - people have had to live with this far longer than I have, and I'm sure it must weight heavily on their minds too, but they still manage to maintain a reasonably functional life in the mean time - they have to.

I meanwhile can't even manage to lay aside this issue long enough to complete my resume, or finnish my college applications. I've got a list of 200 films/movies/games and things I'd like to do during this break - and I havn't started on one of them. I've got at least another 26 artwork comissions waiting for me on Deviant Art - but I just can't seem to get myself in the mood to work on them. And let's not even mention the national creative writing competition....

I'm starting to get a little worried that I can't drop this issue. I'm in a stage where I need to get on with sorting out the next part of my life - and I can't because I can't stop thinking about how much I want to decide whether I really do want what I seem to want - or whether it's still some strange sort of hobby.

Gagh! I bet your going to say I need a councillor :dry:

 

Hmm seems on closer inspections things might not be as easier as I thought FoxFire11.


In order to apply for my own Medicare card I'll need my passport and either my birth certificate or a bank-book with my address on it. Seeing as I don't have a bank-book - passport + birth certificate are my only options - and both are just as inaccessible as the family Medicare Card. :rolle:

As for the Low income Card - it makes no mention of those currently unemployed. There's no "unemployed" catagory under the "Elegibility" section. So does that mean I have to get a crappy-paying job first? And what's this "Low Income Health Care Card Income Test"? I don't suppose I could undergo that without my parent's knowing either :rolle:

*sigh*

I'll have to keep searching - but thanks for your help nontheless.

 

Thanks again FoxFire,

And don't worry...you are helping. Bit by bit. I just need to start helping myself really

 

Here's an update guys.

Less on the transgender stuff - more on the general life stuff.



Well tonight after dinner my parents sat me down, and said that we needed to "talk". Initially I used my usual stragtegy of hiding/ignoring them. But then they managed to lure me back with my last birthday present (headphones) like the gormless, sheep I am.

I do apologise in advance if this seems a bit disjointed, but I'm trying to type it right after the event itself, and I'm a little shaken.


So the opening line of the discussion was - how my relationship with my parents was going to change now that I'm 18. (by the way I'm only 3 days into be 18 and I'm already getting sick of it being used as label everytime an issue comes up.)


It seemed we started out with the basic idea that now that I've finished exams I should be; "putting some effort into developing the relationship {I} have with {my} parents." Of course this was precisley what I wanted to hear. Alright, I admit - I've done little but come out to dinner, and help with the washing up occasionally for the past six monthes, but I have been fairly damn stressed out about exams - and now that I've finished said exams - I don't mind helping out around the house at all.

However my parents point was deeper than that.

My mother cited all these times that I've apparently stormed out of the house in a towering temper, and the catch-phrase of the day seemed to be "disrespectful". Apparently for the past 6 monthes - along with barley interacting with my parents, I have managed to be disrespectful to them on a number of occasions.

Now this probably means nothing to you spectators - but I have never sworn in front of my parents, insulted them, intentionally disregarded their wishes, or anything else I would class as disrespectful - but then It was also made quite clear that a lot of things that I do - that I don't realise are disrespectful (such as turning up 30min late to dinner) are being considered as such by my parents.

So I guess that was the rub of most of the discussion. I'm being disrespectful to my parents. Apparently have been for the past 6 monthes - and I've been unable to see the damage I've been doing. My father asked me why I haven't changed my behaviour (I said I was very good at reading people's feelings - I maintain that I am.) I responded that it's incredibly incongrous for me to return home after a week at school - and listen to him tell me how mum has been crying to him about how disrespectful I've been during the week - when I have no-recollection of even raising my voice. I then went on to say that, even if I had been disrespectful it was hard for me to tell, seeing as my mother gets angry and irate about just about everything. It's hard to read someone's emotions if their either, passive or just enraged. I had NO idea my mother was getting genuinely upset. I guess that speaks further volumes about the kind of relationship I have with my parents. My dad said; "[I]you seem to live in a completely different world.[/I]"


My dad also expressed significant concern at how "dysfunctional" our family is, and has been for the past 8 years. He cited leaving the house - and the irritation that usually entails, as evidence for how dysfunctional we are. He compared our family, to that of our cousins, and it's not a hard comparison. Our cousins are always very nice to one another. I don't think I've seen any of them every get mad, but our family on the other-hand - has a heated discussion about something every other day. I made t clear to Dad however that this "dysfunctional nature" of our family did not concern me in the least. I said; "I've been living like this all my life, I'm not fussed if we don't work like everyone else's family."

We then moved onto my relationship to my parents. Apparently because I'm 18, this relationship now needs to change. It needs to become more adult. My parents want to stop treating me like a child. To be honest I don't think they have for the past 8 years. I was perfectly fine the way we operated. My Dad in particular has been pounding on about this "development in out relationship" that he seems so desperate for. To be honest I couldn't really care less. Remember I've been oblivious to the pain and 'disrespect' I've been causing, so I guess that's why I saw no need to change the status quo. To give you some context - my parents, recently at least - probably only see me when they venture into my room - or I break for lunch or a drink, or dinner. Fair enough. That's final exams for you. But my Dad was saying tonight that he hopes that: "...we can have a relationship with you, not like the excellent one you have with your friends, we're not your contemporaries, but we hope that in some ways it will be more intimate than that." - "I hope that we would be people you could trust completely, something you perhaps can't do with your friends." Sorry Dad, I trust my friends more than I do you. Is it wrong that at the momment I just don't want to make the: "effort to improve the relationship" that my Dad seems to want? He wants me to make active attempts to get on as if we were students living together in shared housing. He spent about 14 minutes going in depth about how he used to live in shared housing - and how his flatmates complained because he was never around - and how I seemed to be doing the same thing with him and my Mother. I had to restrain myself from yelling. "It's because I rarely have the time to spend with you, and when I do, I don't want to." It may just be me, perhaps I've been living in my own world for too long, but I just don't really feel the need to appease people who are either angry with me, trying to get me to act a certain way, or behaving in such a way as to irritate me. Yes I know - I'm a spoilt little brat.

Oh yes - that also came into it.

Of course we had to hear how my Dad had to live away from his family at age 16 - something I would have been perfectly happy to do. But then they had the gall to say that one of my freinds, who's father died when he was young - seems to have a better relationship with his mother. Apparently because he's undergone the trauma of loosing a father. Sure. I understand. You don't appreciate what you have until you loose it. But I'm at the stage where I could come home to find my parents dead, and go about making tea as though nothing had happened. I really am. Their welfare barely concerns me at all currently.

Something interesting I did gain from this whole discussion is the fact that apparently my dad, not my mother, is the one who dosn't trust the medical establishement. I phrased my question as: "If we have such an ongoing problem, why have we never gone and seen a councillor". And the response was; "your mother's often suggested that, I'm not keen on the idea, but I admit she has a point." - Interesting. My mother's the one that projects more "I'm fine leave me to deal with my own problems thanks very much" vibes than my day. Interesting.

Towards the end the comment was made that my father had: "Observed that you seem less stressed now. The exams are over and your getting ready for the rest of your life." And I think this sums things up nicley.

The stress has not reduced.

Well perhaps a tad. But you know what? I am not getting ready for the rest of my life. I'm sitting here, bemoaning my TG problems, trying to figure out if I should tell my parents, desperately looking for a job, considering leaving home, attempting to apply to as many universities as possible, dreading the day my exam results come out.....
I mean sure - It's probably nothing compared to what a lot of people have to deal with in Zimbabwe. But I just can't get worked up about a man who manages to ignore his Son's clear preoccupation with something troubling, his ongoing stress, his suicidal tendencies, his conflict over how to spend these next few years of his life.... I mean sure. I haven't told my parents about all this stuff. But if they really are looking for this supposed relationship-boost with me, surely they can see that for most of this year I've been down-trodden. Not been eating. Had trouble sleeping. Seep cynical and depressed about everything. Have shorter temper. And just generally seem to be carrying around a lot of baggage? Why have they never sat me down and said: "Son. What's up?" I mean sure - I had the excuse of the exams, but they're over now - and in a week - I still haven't even started with all the fun stuff I was supposed to be doing - never mind the uni applications. I'm just sitting here, moaning about my problems on EC. It's like, I'm so preoccupied with trying to decide who I am/where I want to go in life - that I'm not actually living life anymore.


Also as a side note - seeing as it was an in-depth, meaningful discussion, there was much use of: "Son" or my name. For some reason it just cut me up inside everytime they said that. It felt like they were further hammering nails through my fingers - further ignoring the problem that HAD to be at them from the bags under my eyes. I mean. There was no way they could know about my TG stuff - but everytime they used a masculine term of endearment or said: "young guys your age..." I just felt lke they were ignoring me even more, and I became even more uninterested in the discussion.


Anyway - if you were wondering. When the discussion was over - I slunk back to my room, tears in my eyes, and threw my new pair of headphones on the floor. I didn't care. It felt like all the problems they'd just outlined were the result of my TG problem. Of living in my own stupid little world. Getting consumed by my depression - and never doing anything about it. So I promptly opened up EC and had a good whinge about it in this thread. :rolle: Ugh. I just can't get this TG crap out of my head.
Constantly.
Every.
Single.
Thing.
I think.
Is related to who I might be - how things might be if I go ahead with this - If I don't. Ugh I'm just sick of always thinking this. I have things I need to get on with. And I just can't because I'm busy probing myself constantly to see how I would feel about wearing a skirt or something >.<

 

Also whoever replies to this first - please reply to number 13 before you reply to 17.

Thanks in advance.

 

Mhm....wise words as always Jim.

I'll be honest - I was narrow-minded enough not to consider last-nights inquisition as an attempt to ask me what's wrong. I did suspect they couldn't read minds....:icon_wink

Now in all honesty - I came close to saying something last night - but I realised it wasn't the time. We were all tired, and rather annoyed with each other - and my comment about counselling was obviously interpreted as "family counselling" rather than "our son my have a personal issue" counselling. Maybe that's a reasonable place to start? *shrug* I dunno.

Again - I've probably already made up my mind about what I'm going to do - it's just convincing myself that I have. :rolle:


In so far as barricading myself in my room.... I know it's disrespectful, and annoying, and just plain not right - but It's not as if I erected the reincarnation of the Berlin Wall. My parents mentioned many times that they willing to put things on hold so that I could focus soley on school, and for that I'm grateful. The only rub is now that I've finished exams - and should be able to emerge from my shell, and start becoming a part of the family again - I don't want to. I hope, it's because I'm conflicted over this issue - I hope after 18 years of considerate, all-opportunities-presented, parenting - that I at least feel that I can repay my parents efforts with a half-decent relationship. The thing that scares me is right now - Is I can't seem to care less. I just hope it's because I'm too busy thinking about TG stuff...


*swears in German*

Gugh....reality is a fickle beast.

Of course - yet again - your right Jim. I need to just accept that I may be trans, and accept that the issue isn't going to go away overnight. I know even if I'm right about this, I won't be able to do anything for 6-ish monthes or so...It's simply the blatant reality of life, and it's ignorant of me to expect anything else.

But...despite that :rolle:

I still wish I could decide whether I am or not...yes I KNOW I'm just whining and refusing to budge from my little dark hole of indulgent, egocentric self-pity. I know I need to actually get off my ass and deal with this...I know I do. It's not like me to falter like this and provide excuse after excuse as to why I can't actually get started addressing thing - or any other part of my life. Perhaps I just havn't had enough of an opportunity to experiment with this? I do wish I had someone I could tell about this - and we could try something 'feminine' together - just to see how I react. Some-sort of everyday situation would probably be best....

Ugh again - me being self-pitying.

Well I think it's clear at this stage:

• I need to stop just sitting still like a deer in the headlights - waiting for absolute certainty to strike me in the forehead.
  
• I need to sort out some way of hinting to my parents - and getting myself to a councillor.
  
• I need to stop filling this thread with my personal worries XD
  
• I need to get on with the other things in my life - applying to Colleges - working on the relationship with my parents. God I hope that last one just sort of....works. Because I can say that right now - as much as I know how much my parent's have put up with. I just don't care enough to start making a regular appearence at meal-times, or taking the bins out. I know I SHOULD. I'm not a prince, they're not my slaves. I just...can't seem to care if I am abusing the system - I'm too wrapped up in my own problems. It would probably help if I felt like they wanted to discuss my issues.....but oh wait - I think we clarified that they did....
  
• I need to get over the reality that even if I do decide that I'm trans, and prod my parents in the right direction enough to get help. Nothing is going to change for the next 6 months. Probably even more. It's hard for me to accept that. I feel like as soon as I've decided, I want to run out there now and start guzzling estrogen (sans blood clots). I know it's not realistic or fair to anyone else around me. But I feel pressured by this whole going to university thing. Perhaps if I just had that to work on - and getting a job. I could cope fine. But trying to do those two while constantly obsessing over my potential trans-ness, just makes me want to focus on the thing that's buzzing around my head 24/7 - ie: Trans-ness. Ugh. I need to think realistically again. I used to be so good at that
  

I'm going in circles. :rolle: