How do you not feel lonely?

Write poems (some of which are on my EC blog).
Listen to chilled music.
Talk to people who understand.
Watch this: Mr Happy - YouTube

 

Sorry to hear about your predicament OP.

Unfortunately I'm much in the same position as you right now, although less of the Lesbianism, more of the Transgenderism.

I too have been holding back on dealing with my gender/sexuality issues until I get into University (I'm guessing that's your college equivalent?) - waiting until I'm utterley comfortable and certain with my position. But lately I've been getting really lonely, and it's testing my resolve. I too havn't ever really dated, I've never even initiated a relationship, so at least your one step ahead of me there.

Anyway - enough of MY problems.

Ways to combat loneliness:

• Immerse yourself in friends - I know we don't all have the luxary of good friends, or friends at all. But assuming you have some - it can be a good idea to surround yourself with them as much as possible, even if your doing the most mundane of things. If you find that your sick of your friends company - then - obviously this isn't for you.
  
• Assuming your still at school - try and bury yourself in your schoolwork, both in and out of the classroom. Your mentioned that your applying to college so you may have already left school. In which case a part-time job can be another good thing to occupy yourself. Basically you want to try and take your mind off your loneliness as much as possible.
  
• As the other poster suggested - poetry - or any other form of artistic expression can be really helpful in this kind of situation. I tend to find that drawing, singing in the shower, or even gaming (hey, some games could be considered works of art) can be a great way to bury your sorrows for a bit. Does it solve the problem in the long run? No. But it can be a great way to cope with these feelings.
  
• Ultimatley the only way that this feeling of lonliness is going to go away (I hope, for both your sake and mine ) is by finding someone. But it sounds like you - and I - both arn't really in a position to do that kind of thing right now. If that's the case, all we can really do is try and support one another, and distract ourselves as long as possible.

Just remember, loneliness is good in a way - you feel pain now, so that you'll cherish your relationship when you do find it. However long that may take.


Also feel free to PM me about this issue - I'm not sure if I can PM other members yet, but failing that you can always email me. I'd be perfectly willing to comfort a fellow lonely, confused person XD

 

Sorry to hear that you're going through an uncertain time in your life. Like you, I've never been in a relationship that moved beyond friendship, and feel lonely quite often. Here are some of the things I do to ward off loneliness:

• I post on forums like this one.
• I play Sims 3 or other games.
• I go to Game Nights on Sundays.
• I post on Facebook and Twitter.
• I listen to music.

 

What is this magical-sounding notion you speak of? 0.0 and where can I get it?!

 

I get lonely all the time.
So I cry, and smoke, and lay around.

 

Ok, this is definitely a band-aid approach (and pretty lame, I admit), but can I recommend The L Word? It's a great distraction, and watching it kind of fills that need to connect with other lesbians. To some degree, it feels like you're part of their world and their community, and it's also a great introduction to lesbian culture for when you do come out. Try tv-links.edu if you decide to check it out.

 

I used to have a big problem with romantic loneliness, but it isn't such a big deal to me now, despite the fact that I remain as single as ever. So what changed? I discovered I could satisfy almost all my romantic needs with my friends. My need for someone to talk to, my need to be able to open up to someone, my need to have complete mutual trust, my need for physical contact, my need to care for someone and have them care for me. All of these needs are met by my friends. The only thing that I would get from a boyfriend that I don't get now is sex.

And this is great. First of all, because I don't feel lonely. But second, because it means that I'm not so desperate to have those romantic needs met that I'll jump into a relationship with any guy who's interested. I won't pin my hopes on someone after a single date because, even if he doesn't want to go on another, I won't really lose out on anything.

Would I like to have a boyfriend? Yes, of course I would. But the fact that I don't doesn't mean I have to be lonely.

 

Hmmm, now I must admit this is quite a novel concept. At least to me. I currently possess a very nicely rounded collection of friends, thanks very much, yet I've yet to expereince them surpressing my growing need for a romatic partner.

It could very well be that I have the wrong sort of friends, in fact that's most probably the problem, but I would love to know where you find these friends that you can have complete mutual trust with. Who allow you to cuddle up against them. Who don't mind spending days with you on end.

Like I said my problem probably revolves around having the wrong friends, and if that is the case, I envy you for having such good acquaintances. I'm not interested in sex....so does that mean I can have almost all of my interpersonal relationships solved by people that don't send me into a suicidal malaise when they leave me for someone less weird??

Anyway - any details on this "friend therapy" would be most appreciated.

 

If you're not into sex, than there's really no need for a relationship. That isn't to say you might not enjoy a relationship, the mutual trust, physical affection, and spending time together all get ampped up, which is nice. But it certainly isn't necessary.

With friends it's more spread out, not concentrated so much on any one person. The net effect is the same, but there is a qualitative difference. How do you form that sort of friendship? A lot of it is about opening up and being vulnerable. Revealing your flaws. Some of it's about finding out if your friends might be more comfortable with touching you and you touching them than you've previously expressed. Some of it's about luck.

It's quite possible that you have exactly the right sort of friends, but haven't been in the sort of situation where you discover you can trust them. Or haven't realized they're okay with more physical contact.

 

Every Sunday, my friends hold a gathering during which we hang out, eat dinner, and play board games. It's pretty fun.

 

Hmmm...this is a very good question...unfortunately, I'm still looking for the answer

 

If you have a local comic shop anywhere nearby, or maybe a non chain game store(Not like your toys-r-us or something like that) they'll usually host game nights. My local comic shop where I play Magic: The Gathering(Albeit an expensive hobby, a very good one to get into for social interaction) hosts game nights every Sunday where anyone can come by themselves, with friends, or with their whole family to play any board games brought/the store has(And the store has a tremendous amount from simple games like Ticket to Ride and such to games like Settlers of Catan, Quarriers, and Ascension: Chronicle of the Godslayer)

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you here Liam. We're all entitled to our own opinion, but I know for one I'm looking for a relationship with one or more peoples, which would be void of sex, and yet somehow different to anything I might establish with friends.

As far as your comments on freindship - I do agree that it's unlikely that I've ever been in a circumstance that would have allowed me to perceive the various potential "relationship-substitute" roles they could play, but I would also argue that I am unlikely to ever be in that sort of position considering out current friendships. For me, it's likely a case of needing a different selection of friendships in a different setting. Although I do see the truth in your comment that more transparency is probably required on my part.

As for the game nights:
Ah thanks for clearing that up guys. I've never really been to a board game night before, but I did recognise several of the titles that you mentioned. Perhaps it's something I ought to give a try

 

Give up looking for a relationship and begin "dating" yourself. Seriously, it sounds odd but when your energy radiates from within to the outer world it will attract people. When it pulls from the outer world to within it works the other way.

You know it will take much time finding a good relationship and the sooner you let go of the need for one right now the better. Improve yourself for yourself, go out and do things you enjoy, definitely meet many new people.

 

all the time. it helps if i keep busy with something-- obviously i feel the most lonely when i'm not really doing anything, browsing on facebook and daydreaming about nothing in general (ok, maybe not nothing in general...hehe)

human beings aren't meant to be alone. we're supposed to find a mate. and unfortunately for the LGBT, we just have to deal with a smaller population of possible mates. and also, judgment from others! yay judgment! ...

it will definitely become a lot easier to date people when you're out of the closet, cause then not only do other secret gays approach you, but also you got the whole "oh hey i know this one lesbian you might like" chain thing going on.

you can't rush the coming out process just so you want a girlfriend, but then again, the loneliness may just be the push you need to do it. just because you've made the resolution to wait until college doesn't mean you can't change your mind. while it's still smart to maintain a certain level of caution whilst revealing your homo self to others, it's surprising how many people today are ok with it. (of course, that number of acceptors may vary depending on location and age.)

but if you really want a girlfriend, and there's a great opportunity, then i think you should go for it. but only if you can muster the courage-- don't force it.

 

What exactly are you looking for to be different from your friendships? While physical intimacy isn't the only defining feature of a romantic relationship, it is one of the strongest and for most people one of the most important. Are you looking for the initial rush of falling in love and discovering it's mutual? Because while that's wonderful, it doesn't sustain a relationship. That initial rush fades over time (polyamorous people call it "new relationship energy), and what remains is a very strong bond, but that bond is not dissimilar to what very very close friends share.

 

I guess, first and foremost what I'm looking for in a romantic partner - that I currently can't derive from my friends is:

Physical intimacy - but not of the sexual kind. I haven't been cuddled/hugged in 10 years, so I'd love to experience that again. I guess physically intimacy is a big part for me. I'm not really into kissing, or holding hands, but I'd be up for just about anything else. Sleeping together, spooning, playing with their hair, just about any physical contact. None of my friends go beyond a hand-shake at the moment, so that's probably the explanation for my physical-contact-craving.

A lasting relationship. No I'm not seeking that heady-rush of head-over-heels love. I want that lasting bond you speak of. I want to spend as much of my time as possible with someone that simply gets me, that seems to understand everything about how I tick, and loves me despite it. Someone I can call at any time of the day, and just, fall into a conversation about absolutely anything. I want to be able to come home after a long tiring day out in the wide world, and know that here is someone who will be completely open and honest with me, even if it means disappointing me, or angering me. And equally I want someone I can be perfectly honest around, who I can spout whatever is on the tip of my tongue to.

I should probably stop now, because this list will keep going for another 5 pages (yes I do have a 5 page document of bullet-points chronicling all the reasons I want a person in my life).

But I suppose I just want someone to fill all the holes left by my friends, and give me a chance at romance. Maybe I just haven't experienced a close enough friendship yet.