I'm sorry I keep posting here but this is a problem writing in my blog won't solve. I'll be straight forward first. Do you think I should tell my GSA co-presidents about the suicidal/depressing thoughts I'm having? I haven't actually spoken to them too much but I feel this need to tell somebody real that's not a therapist. (I hate therapy) Back story: I took my little sister to a play with me because my crush worked for them and she kept asking me to go and fankly, I wanted to see her. I wasn't counting on the fact that her bf would be there but I didn't think it would be a big deal either. I thought I could handle it. I also wasn't counting on my sister picking a spot directly behind my crush and her bf. I'm really into the whole business of theater, I guess it doesn't help that it makes me overly emotional (And all the fucking lesbians at my school were there on stage out of my reach). Hmmph. Anyways. At one point he leaned on her, and it was so sweet. She looked happy. My bi crush looked happy. I was really glad to see that smile on her face but at the same time, I was hurting inside. These straight couples don't hesitate to cuddle in front of everyone, they don't have to think twice. They are ALLOWED to have love for each other. Its so wrong! But here I am, no choice at all. I am gay. I'm gay. I'm gay and I want to tell everyone and jump from a rooftop. I don't want this. I can't handle it. I was a few seats down from my old friend and crush who hates lesbians. Boy do I miss her. I miss being around people sometimes although I despise them. Perhaps this is because I'm left with none. I felt so trapped! I wanted to break down on the spot. I could barely mouth a word when it was over without having an extra high pitched sound leave my vocal cords. And there I was with my little sister who was over joy ed and star struck from getting to hug and speak to the main character(one GSA president) of this high school play. Everyone had flowers and someone to talk to. And everyone was smiling and all I could pull together was a smirk and dead, hollow eyes for the people I recognized. I felt so alone. So unhappy. I cannot believe how many unpleasant thoughts this night has triggered. So many buried feelings. I am alone. I know no one. I went to this play to see my crush and saw all of them in front of me, the new and the old. The good and the bad. So now I'm home bawling on my bed with a box of tissues and stuffed animals by my side. I'm thinking of how the email I intend to send if I decide on talking to our presidents. Maybe it will go like this... "Hello, I wanted to know if you or (other co-president) wouldn't mind me speaking with you about something I'm dealing with at this time regarding my internalized lgbt related issues. I was hoping to discuss it privately and confidentially between you guys because you might understand more than anyone else I can ask. Also, I trust you with this information and because you two are the GSA presidents I believe you can offer me much needed support I couldn't otherwise receive elsewhere. If neither of you are comfortable with that then that is fine too of course. Thank you for your time, (Me)" Help.
Rooni- I'm sorry girl! That sucks. Really, really sucks. That said, the email is great. I think reaching out to gay people is the best thing that you can do. All gay people have dealt with similar crush issues, and they (I hope) will be very helpful. Nothing beats a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. If you can, my advice is to wait until the morning to send it, just in case getting some sleep gives you more clarity than you have right now. Feel free to PM me. Daisy
It sounds liek your going through a really hard time right now. Hope things turn out for the best for you. Getting in touch with others who have shared your experience sounds like a great idea at a time like this. Your sample there sounded very level-headed and appropriate for the situation. Daisy's suggestion about sleeping on it never hurts though (ok, it might for a little bit, but its probably a smart one!). If you are having serious suicidal thoughts, or any time you need someone to talk to really, I would always mention the Samaritan's suicide hotline or other similar organizations. I've worked with the Samritans a tiny bit in the past. They're all volunteers, not professionals. Of course its not for everyone. I hope you find a good way to deal with your present situation however you can. High school can be rough for LGBT people, it'll get better!
First off (*hug*) Now, I don't know if it helps at all, but I totally know the feeling. Especially since I've been dwelling so much on my (presumably) straight crush lately.. One morning I believe I posted on EC somewhere about how I hated that I didn't know how to tell him I loved him and that even if I could he probably couldn't love me back. Next thing I know I'm walking to meet with my therapist and I see a straight couple holding hands, smiling, flirting with each other as they walked. Normally such a thing would make me smile, but considering what was on my mind, I completely broke down. Luckily I had an appointment that day with my therapist, or I probably would have at least tried to commit suicide... But enough of my gloom - the point I always try to make is that there are always good times down the line where I can find in myself to smile again. I would've never been able to have fun with my sister at the movies tonight, or laugh my butt off having fun at qsa's game night or whatnot, etc, etc. So just keep that in mind - no matter how bad it feels now, it always gets better . With the initial question though, talking to your GSA presidents sounds like a great idea (especially if you are uncomfortable talking to a therapist), and your emails seems good. And I don't see why they'd not wish to help. Anyways, hope you're feeling better soon (*hug*).
Thank you guys for listening. I've slept on it and I will be emailing her today with only the problem of explaining to them what's going on without having episode #2 on the spot.
