First, I didn't get any sleep and that didn't help things. I'm very sorry, but I'm GOING to sound crazy around the middle.... I'm actually most interested in hearing your thoughts on my 'paranoia' experience. But I was working on my Shakespeare paper and having trouble with it. I went to the 24 hr diner around town, and worked until my power on my computer expired. They didn't have access to any charging ports. So, naturally, I go back to my apartment. Where I live with my cousin. For god knows why, while working calmly on my paper I experienced paranoia. I suddenly felt like something was wrong. So I internalized and asked myself what was going on; was I upset about something other than trying to come out to my mom? And as I thought about it... I became very "aware" of the "existence" of hell. I thought "Oh, my god. I'm going there because I am consciously choosing to not serve god." I suddenly felt like I could die that very second and I was going to be tortured forever and I was a bad person. (Unlreated to my sexual orientation). I'm agnostic, but it felt real... So I prayed for the first time in years. When I stopped praying, I felt like I was being watched by something malevolent. I looked out the window and it was like there was something there that I couldn't see, that was looking right at me. I tried so hard to dismiss myself as being silly. But I couldn't, I was terrified. I got up and went to my room, bolted the door and slid something heavy in front of it. I felt like I was in physical danger. I acknowledged how silly this was, but I couldn't keep from feeling terrified. I've never experienced anything like this before. My cell phone was down in my car, and there was NO way I was leaving my room to get it. I don't know if I ACTUALLY heard anything, but I /percieved/ that I heard something claw at the base of my door and push... I've never been so scared in my life! I got on facebook and saw a friend who lives in Washington State; it was only 1:30am there for him at this point. He and I talked until sunrise to try to keep me calm. I couldn't focus on my paper that was due at 10:30 because I was so afraid! I finally finished the paper (poorly) at 9:20. When I got up, my cousin was very pissed. The smoke alarm kept going off while she was trying to cook and I heard her talk in ways I've never heard before. "well..if it makes you feel any better,...I didn't get any sleep last night..." Her: YEAH?! WELL ME NEITHER!:***: Me:....Sorry..... ;__;.... I walked to our 'subway-like' system to get around campus...but ..it was broken! My printer was out of ink and I had left that early because I needed to go to the library first. I finally make it to the library about 5 minutes before my class starts. I try to sit through class, I drone along. I'm so tired I can't follow anything. I go through all my classes and by my last class I was going cross-eyed and I couldn't hold myself up. I made my way to the student center and tried to get a nap in around the study lounge. I got up about 40 minutes later, and decided to get something to eat and go back to the apartment. I talked it out mentally how Iw as going to apologize to my cousin for keeping her awake. So when I got in, I followed through. I apologized and let her know that if I had known I was keeping her awake, I would have gone elsewhere.... Then she starts telling me all of the complaints she has against me. her: Oh. -snobby- And, our ELECTRIC bill was 120$. And when /I/ got up, there were /lights/ on. ( Actually, the dim lamp in the living room was still on because I had fled in fear and didn't want to go back out . The other light was my bedroom, where I was working on my paper ) I leave lights on because I struggle with SAD induced depression. Having lighting literally brightens my mood and keeps me happier. My response. Me: Okay. I recognize that I've been keeping lights on. I will pay 80% of the light bill. Her: And, I'm doing EVERYTHING around here. .... Okay... I'm not a messy person when it comes to public space. I've only very rarely left dishes just sitting in the sink. (And I rinse them) I put them in the dishwasher. She empties the trash when it's only about 75% full and I find that wasteful so I don't empty it until it's actually full. I've been the one who's cleaned the bathroom 90% of the time, and when SHE was busy with things, I took over and didn't worry about it. She's asked me to stop what I'm doing (preparing dinner for myself) to empty the dishwasher so she can put her dishes in. Annoyed, I do it anyway. I happened to have a dish that was mine in the sink. She puts all of the other dishes in, EXCEPT my dish. It seemed childish.... I mean, if you're going to fill the dishwasher, FILL the dishwasher. I constantly fill it and start it, and I put things away about 30% of the time. Maybe I'm reacting childishly. I don't know. Anyway... As she's loading these things on me, I (surprised myself) calmly let her know I would be making a more conscious effort to take care of these things more often. And that I appreciated that she wasn't raising her voice to the point of yelling. It's not like there are dishes piled up everywhere. I clean everything when I make my dinner and I never leave food in containers or anything gross or inconsiderate. She told me the apartment wasn't clean one time because we hadn't vacuumed that week. ( ...I couldn't really see anything but maybe one 1/2 inch leaf around the doorway....) ..So...Thanks for letting me rant...x_x. I'm wondering if the 'episode' I had with the 'spiritual thing' was my fear consciously manifesting itself. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. And I've never felt so afraid unprovoked by an external cause.
Maybe the malevolent force you felt was me conjuring Mephistopheles... ??? In all seriousness, it's good to get stuff out of your system. I generally write poetry for that purpose, but posting on EC works just as well. Your cousin seems really irritated and the last thing you needed after what frankly sounds like a rather unpleasant experience. Try to be diplomatic and come to some sort of compromise over who will wash the dishes, who will vacuum the floor etc. I'd suggest perhaps collectively drawing up a rota? That way, at least the chores will become more manageable and you won't have to yell at each other when you're apparently 'invading' the other's territory. I'd also recommend making a contingency plan in case things persist as they currently are and/or the state of affairs becomes untenable and you need to move out. Hope this helps. =/ Also, good luck with that Shakespeare paper! Best, Doctor Faustus.
