So basically i've got this amazing group of friends, who i know 100% will be fine with it (we actually have a few gay people in our group) and really accepting and supportive, plus i'm sure i would be invited out with my gay friends partying etc. BUT i'm scared that if i do, through word of mouth, and if i see someone i know while out at a 'gay event' it may get back to my parents, and i've got a really good relationship with them, but definitely am not ready to tell them yet, ESPECIALLY not from some one else. Also i don't like the idea of having to lie to them about where i am, who i'm with. So i'm really not sure, on one hand i feel ready to come out to my friends but on the other hand i don't want to have to lead a "double life" so to speak. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel like i've got these 2 parts one making me want to come out and then I think of family and almost feel like i need to stay in. P.S. I know most of that group of friends have realized i'm gay and are just waiting for me to come out to them.
Hi there! Lets start with this: If most of your friends have already realized and are waiting for you to tell them, it would be safe to assume that you can trust them that they will wait for you to tell it to others, including your parents/family. From the sounds of it, it sounds like that your friends value your privacy and your friendship. I wouldn't worry about coming out first to your friends or to your family. The order doesn't matter at all. It is perfectly normal to be nervous and anxious and wonder about the 'what ifs'. But, and if you decide to come out to your friends, maybe ask them to let you be in charge of your coming out process. Maybe try coming out to one friend first, to get over your initial fears and anxieties and to become a bit more confident with coming out to others. Then, take it from there. Here is something to think about though. If you have the feeling that your friends have already figured it out, and are just waiting for you, and you have a really good relationship with your parents, it is possible that your parents have picked up something already as well. It is possible that your parents are waiting for you too to be ready. One of the questions you could try thinking about is: "would my parents be supportive when I come out to them?" (*hug*)
I would only tell those who: (1) you can absolutely trust; (2) you are comfortable telling. For instance, I maintain a policy of disclosing my sexuality to those I want to tell; anyone else can ask me and I will reply with honesty. I'm not completely suggesting you do the same, but that's something you might want to consider. Being in charge of your own coming out process is extremely important. It gives you a sense of empowerment. But listen to your instincts. What does your gut tell you? Don't completely run with what it says, but listen and consider. Hope this helps, Faustus.
I dont see why you cant come out to your friends and if word gets back to your parents about where you were and you really dont want to come out to them cant you just say you were there supporting your gay friends, wouldnt be a total lie.
The advice I will give you is to seek out the friends that you feel will keep this information to themselves until you are comfortable enough to tell your family, and come out to them first. It may feel to you like you're leading a "double life" by telling the truth to one group of people and either putting up a charade for or lying to another group of people, but that is, unfortunately, what we must do oftentimes in societies that are not 100% supportive or tolerant of sexual minorities. I am in a similar situation to yours. All of my close friends and the people I hang out with regularly are either strong LGBT allies or in sexual minorities themselves; they are the first ones I've told. The ones who know my parents have not told them.
I wouldn't worry about telling your friends - everything else here is a "what if" that probably won't come to pass (unless you happen to meet a homophobic person at a gay club who knows you and is willing to out you to your parents against your wishes...kind of unlikely i'd think). For that matter, telling friends first is kind of normal, I think. I told a few friends before I told anyone in my family - and you may find that starting with friends will make you more confident and more ready to come out to your family. I say go for it. Give yourself at least one part of your life where you can be yourself.
Well your friends already seem to be supportive of lgbt people, so it maybe a good idea to come out to your friends. I too was in your position, I ended up telling my closest friends and they took it extremely well! Best of luck
I'm out (as in, 110%/shout 'I <3 penis' from rooftops kind of out) to everyone at school, to the point some teachers have probably gathered that I'm bi. But I'm not out to my family (aside from my Uncle, but I *think* he's bi, could be gay, I honestly don't have a clue, but he's not 100% straight). I will admit I do live a double life (as in I act completely different around my family), but if your friends are true friends, you would assume that they're not going to tell them. But I can tell you now, it's sustainable. And when it comes to going out with people, just say you were with 'a group of friends'. As long as you keep a convincing lie going for long enough, it really shouldn't be an issue. As long as you make sure you don't end up getting seen in public with your boyfriend (or doing anything obviously gay), you should be alright. Just a tip: If you have family on Facebook (or any other social networks), I'd advise you remove them now.
if you are going to come out. i say, start with the friends first. that way you have a great support system. you will gain confidence and you will at some point and time feel more confident to share the info with your parents. if your parents give you a hard time about it, you will have a support network with teh friends that you can talk to. if your parents are fine about it, then you have two support groups. if you tell your parents first without and they react poorly, your confidence will be low and you will be sad, then you will not have anyone to turn to. you will then feel less confident about telling your friends.
I'm already in this situation, I'm out to friends but still not my family. I told my close friends in person and most of them asked whether this was something I wanted them to keep private. I said that while I didn't want people announcing it with a megaphone I didn't mind them talking about it to other friends and that I figured it would eventually filter around my year group (I was at school at the time) and that I wasn't too worried. But I also stressed that my family did not know and explained to them the reasons why. My friends understand this and as they have minimal contact with my parents anyway it's really not a problem. When it comes to acquaintances, where I live there are few individuals who would out somebody intentionally. I worry that perhaps someone without knowing may discuss something with my parents or may approach me in their presence and say something, but if it happens it happens, to some extent if my parents have already heard a few rumours they might not be so shocked when I do tell them. I would much prefer to be completely out but I don't feel it is possible right now. But being out to my friends and being honest with new people I meet provides a great relief from having to self-censor whilst at home (It's okay to express I think that girl over there is really cute). The part when it became difficult is when I started a relationship in secret. I hated not being able to invite the girl over to stay or round for dinner. My parents thought she was a friend, I think they were a bit confused where this new friendship had sprung from so suddenly. Whilst I was usually honest about where I was going and who I was seeing it felt horrible lying to them about my "friend". My intention was to tell them she was actually my girlfriend at a stage when I knew the relationship was serious but in the end things broke down before that happened. At the moment I manage to lead this "double life" as you say fairly happily, it's not perfect but being honest with my friends eases the pain of not being able to be open with my parents. As I'm not expecting a positive reaction from my parents, the fact I know I have a network of accepting friends (and bedroom floors to sleep on if I need somewhere to stay temporarily) gives me comfort.
