"We tried to tell you, and you paid the price."

Sorry that this is very long but since I don't want to post 5 million posts, here it is.

Last night.

I don't like my friend Tabitha for telling my crush Andrew I like him..
Well I think she should've asked my permission before she TOLD Andrew I have a crush on him [which never happens in life but still] and ruined it for us. I was gonna wait it out and see for myself if he likes me or not..
BUT I admit I told her a little too much; 7 words: "Tabitha [my friend] I have a crush on Andrew."
I'm gonna talk to him on Monday about it. I don't want our friendship to end, if we can't be lovers.
I was at the Mall from 5:30 to 7:15pm.
As I was leaving the Mall I saw Andrew walking IN.
He gave me the "what's good" head nod, and I to him.
And we parted ways; however he saw my friend, and this was their convo:

My friend: andrew knows u like him
he asked me at the mall

Me: really? what did he say? and I saw him

My friend: he saw me and i said hi like usually then he was like" who is obsessed with me? is it donald?"
i was like "I DONT KNOW ALL IK IS THT MY FRIEND LOVES U!!"
he was like is it a guy
i said yes
and he goes to his friend "ITS DONALD!!
lol

So before this happened last night, about a month before today she told me not to tell anyone that she liked her now ex bf--when she had a crush on him--and I didn't.
But she ran off and told Andrew that I have a crush on him... after her bf broke up with her, and I felt SORRY for her.
Pfft.. I hate her... I'm not telling her anymore of my secrets.

About an hour ago.

So today I tried telling Andrew on FB how I felt about it since I wasn't there when it happened; so I said "I wanna talk to you about last night" and he said "y."
Is THAT the right way to treat a friend?
I said "Just to straighten things out, b/c I still wanna be friends with you. ur a gr8 person" and he never replied.
It's sad that he was so harsh, but..
Since Andrew doesn't care that I wanna save this friendship, or whats left of it I think 1 of 2 options:

1. He probably doesn't care about me liking him--which is fine, I'll stay friends with him but I'm not gonna express my feelings to him;
or
2. He hates me and doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore--which I really wouldn't care over.. we weren't close but we weren't strangers.

Right now I feel like there's 2 parents in my head--not my real ones, but they're kinda like my conscience--telling me "We tried to tell you, and you paid the price."

What are anyone's thoughts? And should I still talk to him on Monday?

 

Yeah. I'll just try not to think about him Monday, and if he asks me about it, I'll ignore him.

 

Yes. Mirko you're right. I even saw all 4 hours of Gone With the Wind this morning, and it gave me the courage to not be the obsessed, self loathing heathen I've always been in my life. If Gone With the Wind was my life, here's all the parts:

1) Scarlett O'Hara--me
2) Rhett Butler--Andrew
3) Melanie--My best friend Jenna
4) Ashley Wilkes, Melanie's husband--Matt

Thoughts? (If anyone has seen GWTW)

---------- Post added 12th Nov 2011 at 02:01 PM ----------

Also, the quote "With God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again" is super important to me.

 

Andrew IS a young Rhett. He's the one who seems abusive, the one who I don't want--the word I being Scarlett--and by the end Scarlett wants Ashley--in this case Matt, the one Scarlett pines for and hopes he reciprocates the feeling--but after his wife Melanie dies, he tells Scarlett he never loved her at all, and "Melly" as they call her, was the one with heart.
But in the end, Rhett leaves Tara for Charleston again, and the only thing Scarlett has to work for is Tara and herself.

I made the comparison because I compared GWTW to my own life. I figured maybe I will be Scarlett, and I might not get Matt or Andrew, but at least now I have to discover the things I want to work for in life.
Oh yeah: My songwriting and determination to want to act in films, work in law, and be in radio--have my own radio talk show. (Kinda like Rush Limbaugh, Wendy Williams, or Howard Stern, but about any issues I want to discuss.)

GWTW made me realize that I don't need people to survive, and if I think I do, then they'll go down the Tunnel of Hell with me.

Also about Andrew, even though Rhett reciprocated his feelings to Scarlett, that doesn't matter to me comparison wise, as I've already made one. And yes we thrive on scandal--it's in our Peyton Place/GWTW blood.
I'll tell him that it was rude and vile what she did to me, and it would take the Red Sea parting again to make her--or any girl like her, in my experience--change her ways, I don't see how he couldn't understand more.
If he doesn't, all I'll keep saying is "With God as my witness I'll never go hungry again!" The hunger meaning I'll never obsess and starve for a man like I have done before.

Damn, I should be a motivational speaker or an author, shouldn't I? :eusa_clap

 

Basically all I've done is watch GWTW--ALL 4 hours--and listen to music on my iTunes, watch TV and eat..
Also of course I know no one else cares about the people I do, but it helps when my friends are near so I have someone to talk to and not have just songwriting to rely on.
Yeah, maybe he did have something to do. But this isn't the first time he just didn't reply--on normal days he would do it too.
Like all I'd say is "Hi" and no reply.
But now I don't care; because of GWTW I've to learn to grow a pair and stop being such a bitch about things; stop wondering "When will my prince [or princess since I'm bi] come and rescue me?" because there ISN'T one in my life.
And I have got to learn to stop being emotional, I hate ejecting my emotions on people. I don't know why I do it but I've done it since I was born. I've never been self confident, but now I am, and I will take no for an answer and grow H cups and move on.
It's a part of life, especially Scarlett's.
Also why should I never compare it to my own life? The movie and my life are the exact same: Scarlett's father died, and mine did as well; we both never got the men we love, although I MIGHT have a chance with someone.
*Rewatches the movie*
Also obsession and self loathing is something I do often but because of the movie I've to cloud the obsessiveness and loathing out my mind. I know if I do these things people will always think I'm crazy and miserable and needy, a Rhett, and won't talk to me, nevermind love me.

 

You do know the rewatching the movie thing was a joke right? Of course I'm not gonna rewatch it. I know the things I need to do to change myself and I'll do them. No loathing and obsessing. Be closed minded. And I need to stop exerting emotion, emotion is great internally.
And thanks for your kind sympathy but don't be sorry. My father was overly abusive and when me and my mom moved to the town I'm in now--which is great and bad but the bads outsmart the greats--I knew I had to stop relying on him being there every day of my life. But also while we've been here, my mom's abusive ex boyfriend started popping in as he was released from prison on 18 October 2010 and a few days after, discovered we moved (In our old house, I'd lived there since I was 2 years old, my mother had lived there all her life, my grandfather died there 24 years ago, my grandmother had lived there for 57 years, and my father died there.) and soon after came by to see us.
Then his visits happened more with time, from a few hours a week to a few days a week, and eventually he'd moved in. When he moved in, my father had been dead one month. The unwritten rule for people is to wait one year after spouses pass on and resume, but my mother literally waited three weeks.
So where do I get my obsessiveness from? My mother.
She didn't see everything that was happening while her ex lived with us. He choked me twice, threatened to take my life two times--and both were where she was right there looking at him tel me--and also he made me do pretty unsanitary things I can't post here; and then after I'd do them he'd threaten to choke me again.

But now he's in jail on $300,000 bail. He's a diagnosed bipolar paranoid schizophrenic, and hasn't taken--he refuses--his meds since 1983.

Sorry to be "venting" about my internal struggles--with and without sexuality in them. Oh I forgot, since during this time my obsession began, I developed a thing for str8 guys and I was closeted still. So I wrote occasionally in my journal, but my mom's ex would ALWAYS snoop in my room and he found my journal and literally read it from cover to cover and the next day started talking shit about me for no reason even though I was 14 at that time and had done nothing wrong.

 

Oh. Awesome
And yeah but obviously I don't feel better exerting emotion, now do I? Here's my "healthy" outlet: I write songs and it only helps the paper and pencil I write with because I've experienced the things I write, yet I obsess over useless crap.
Relationships are garbage imo--my new mantra.

Of course I will Sparks. I must. She's the poison I mix in my witches' cauldron.

 

It's easy for me to say that I don't wanna date out my mouth, but in my brain it's an addiction. And after all, our brain controls the body and mental processes. My insides feel like relationships are the last written testament.. it's not something I'd love to be in [a relationship] but I hate having people as just friends all the time.. friends are nice to have but I also spend a lot of time at home sheltered and it gets lonely sometimes.
Also, my 19 year old cousin's mission is to find me a gf... and he's the player/pretty boy type.. and I'm not.
I would prefer to have a bf but a gf is ok...
And anyway I die inside every day I go to school. Str8 couples are everywhere in school, always affectionate, etc. It eats at me.
I try to not think about it and do my work but when I finish my work, I have nothing else to do so I draw in my notebook. I wrote poems about my crush Matt, and they're sweet but it's to get my feelings out my head; it doesn't work because the feelings come back whenever I see him!

Ugh I think I need shock therapy sometimes.