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where do i go from here . . . ?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by redstormrising, Nov 12, 2011.

  1. redstormrising

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    sorry, this is going to be quite long . . .

    so, i signed up for an online dating site back in august and sometime in september, met someone that i (thought i) hit it off with. we started messaging each other good morning on the website every morning, and would find each other every night and chat over the IM feature of the website until she went to bed. and then we traded phone numbers and started texting the good mornings (we'd take turns), and would text throughout the day as time allowed, and then still chatting online at night, or texting, or talking on the phone. this went on for about a month.

    now, when we started talking, i knew that she was extra busy at work, due to the effects of the recent hurricane. and also that her dad was terminally ill, so she spent most of her limited free time with him. we were talking about meeting for coffee on saturday, but the day before, her dad suddenly became much much worse. she stayed bedside with him til he finally passed that tuesday. needless to say, we did not get to meet. and for the first few weeks after he passed, i (understandably) barely ever heard from her. it was mostly me texting to check in on her, and her saying thank you and how much she missed him. in the last couple weeks, though, we've been talking more. good mornings sometimes, and sometimes chatting online for an hour or so. still, all the communication was being initiated by me. which of course could just be due to her grief, but i didn't know. so i figured i'd ask. i sent her a message saying:

    i guess "wait" probably isn't the correct word, because i always intended to keep talking to other people on the website (as i'd been doing all along), and if the opportunity for a relationship arose, to take it. i guess i meant "wait" more in the context of, do you still want to keep in touch until then, and then see what happens?

    she responded fairly quickly, but only to tell me that she'd read my message, but had to run out to meet her mom, and she'd respond as soon as she could. i knew that part was true, because we'd been texting earlier and she mentioned she was going to get her mom and spend the day with her.

    maybe ten hours later, after her mom went back home, she responded with this:

    right after that, we IMed for about an hour. she said that she wanted to be sure i knew the lack of communication had nothing to do with me, and that she'd barely been communicating with her closest friends. in fact, her best friend had gotten quite angry with her over the lack of communication. she also said not to take it personally if she did not respond sometimes, because right now if she doesn't feel like talking, she just won't respond. i said that i would like to keep in touch, if that's okay with her. we were sort of messaging over each other and im not sure she answered that directly, though she did say right after that, that we could never be anything before being friends, under any circumstances. to which i said "of course."

    after that, we started talking about other things, her telling me about her day with her mom, etc. i didn't text her for 2 days after that, and then finally texted her yesterday. we traded a few texts. and the same today. but i've been thinking that maybe she was trying to tell me she does not want to keep in touch at all. my initial plan was to just be the best friend that i could to her right now, and if she was interested in picking up where we left off once she's feeling more social, so be it. and if not, at least i'll have made a new friend. but now i'm not so sure.

    not sure if this is relevant, but a couple days before we had this conversation, i'd texted her to see how she was doing, and added that she should feel free to tell me if she didn't want me checking in, and that i only do it bc i care but i also would not want to bug her if i am. she said that i was not bugging her at all, and to enjoy my day.

    anyway, any advice on what i should do here? stick with my original plan? just forget about her? :bang:
     
  2. Kcaz12345

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    i think u need to give her some time and wait if u really truely like her then wait and see if she comes around thats what i had to do my current bf broke up with me last friday and now a week later yesterday he asks me back out and i beleve in second chances so i said yes but he isnt ready for hugs or kisses yet so im going to have to wait but i believe she will come around no promises though stay safe and i hope she says yes after a while too heal it is a big deal too lose a love one i almost lost my mom by meruder and if that had happened i would go and kill that guy no matter who or where he was no matter how long it took i would kill him i would still kill him now he caused my family alotta pain and suffering and it has takes a long time for us to heal it has been a year since that happened and we are still suffering so just wait for her she might come around
     
  3. MamaFugs

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    It could take months for her to get through this period of mourning. Since you've only been talking a couple of months I would suggest that you continue to be there for her, maybe only checking in once a week or so though. In the meantime maybe you should figure that you've made a new friend and move on. It doesn't really make sense to wait for someone that you haven't met in person yet and probably don't know all that well.
    I wish you the best of luck with all this, it's such a shame the way the circumstances played out.