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Need support.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sepphhyy, Nov 12, 2011.

  1. sepphhyy

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    I'm a 19 year old guy who is still in the closet. I'm terrified to come out to my friends and family. I think most people already know, but for whatever reason it doesn't make it any easier. My best friend who I've been friends with since the 2nd grade is pretty religious and follows her families beliefs. She's the type of person that thinks gays are going to burn in hell. Her mother even said that all gays should be killed because they're disgusting. So as you can see I'm pretty nervous about telling her. I have a feeling she won't be alright with it and won't want to be my friend anymore. I know people say well if she won't accept you then she wasn't that good of a friend, but she really is. We've been through everything together. I don't know what I'd do without her.

    Anyway for the past few years, ever since I came to terms with who I really am, I've been incredibly lonely. I've only had one gay man try to do hookup with me, and at that point in my life, I didn't want to do that. It didn't help that I was no attracted to him either. I look around and I see that basically everyone else in my life has someone to call their own. I just want someone to love me for who I really am. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, or to think of me when they want to do something fun. I want someone to wrap their arms around me at night to make me feel safe. I basically want what anybody wants. Sex is obviously important, but it's not all I want. I don't know how it feels for someone to want me. I guess neither gender is chasing me because I'm clearly not into women, but I'm not open with my sexuality. I know it's time for me to come out, but I'm scared. I don't have anyone to confide in. I've read all the tips and tricks of coming out, but I've never had someone to talk about it with. I need someone to give me advice. All these emotions that are built up inside me, are about to burst. I hate it when people ask me if I like any girls. I just want to shake them and say I"M GAY!!!!!! But my fear holds me back. I've written on too many of these support blogs, and have yet to get an answer from anyone. I'm desperate to confide in another human being. If you have any advice or if you just want to talk to me about everything, please write me back.
     
  2. ceruleangir

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    Unfortunately, there is a chance that your friend won't accept you, and I'm sorry to tell you that that's far too common. When my sister came out out to her best friend, she called her a "sinner" and hasn't spoken to her since. There's always hope, though. One of my best friends is a Jehovah's Witness, and, while she probably believes I'm going to hell, she still treats me the same. Maybe your friend needs you to make her a better person; to take her closed-minded views of homosexuality and show her that they're wrong.
    She may have to come around over time, or maybe she never will, but you can't sacrifice your chance at love for a friend who may not accept you.
    You'll know when it's time to tell her.
     
    #2 ceruleangir, Nov 12, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2011
  3. Aeon Magus

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    Congratulations, Sepphhyy, on coming to terms with your sexuality. That, of course, is your first step towards "coming out". It's not an easy step to take for most, but you took it anyway... and remarkably well, considering the pressure you're under. And you are confiding in everyone here on EC, that's a start, right? :icon_bigg

    Not wanting to tell your best friend because of her religious point of view is understandable, although you should know that when you do eventually come out, she'll hear about it... either from you, or someone else that you've come out to. I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but that's how it's going to be, so you're going to have to prepare yourself for that when it comes.

    I have to ask:
    Why does what her mother say and think matter to you?
    What do your parents say about the LGBT community (gay people)?
    Their opinions should matter more to you than your best friend's parents.
    Have your other friends given any remarks about gay people?
    You could see which ones would be more likely to accept who you are and come out to them first, though only if you completely trust that they won't go outing you to your other friends or family.
     
  4. kellymporta

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    Hi sepphhyy, and congratulations on coming to terms with your sexuality. You're far more brave than I am, considering I'm 23 and I still have trouble admitting that I'm gay.

    In relationship with your situation, you say you're 19 years old so are you going to college? I ask this because most colleges have LGBT clubs, so you could try to go to one of their meetings. I don't think anyone there would judge you, and you will be able to make new friends who will help you with your coming out process.

    Finally, some of your old friends may not accept you, but once you're out you will probably find new friends that won't have any issues with your sexual orientation.
     
  5. Gravity

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    Hey sepphhyy - allow me to echo everyone else here and say welcome to EC, glad you found the site :slight_smile:

    I understand your situation. One of my good friends before I came out was the one person I really had to talk about college and graduate school with - we were the only ones from our group of friends that went into the same field, and we had similar (that is to say, slow, lol) social lives in college, so we spent a lot of time talking about our interests, what we thought about our field, and what we wanted to do with our lives. When I came out to him, it was my first experience at rejection - he's very religious, basically told me I was sinning and should stop, and we never talked much afterwards. That's probably not very encouraging, but the truth is, as painful as it was, I'm better for not having someone in my life who would make me think about my sexuality in that way. I've moved on, made new friends in graduate school who share my interests, and now I can talk about my love life (or lack thereof!) openly with all my friends, whom I'm very close to and are very supportive of me.

    All of which is to say, don't be too scared to come out just because you might (and keep in mind you don't absolutely know what she'll say yet) lose a friend. At the stage in your life you're approaching, you need friends who will be supportive of you anyway.

    Rather than dwelling on negative things that someone might say - and I realize it will be hard not to think about what your best friend might say, but the truth is you need to do this - try to think, instead, about ways to meet new friends, who will be more supportive of you. There are lots of community centers with lgbt social groups, or colleges/universities with lgbt groups to join. Also, you should know that many college groups won't mind having someone (especially a college-aged person) who's not a student at the school join, especially if there are no other alternatives in the area - try getting in touch with them to find out when they meet, etc.

    To address your second concern - of wanting to find somebody to be in a relationship with - yes, coming out and being more open will definitely make it easier to meet someone, and will make any romantic relationships you might form (I'm guessing this is more your goal based on your description of your ideal situation) better. The closet is not an easy place to date, nor to meet people - so the more barriers you remove, the more likely your love life will go the direction you want it to. :slight_smile:

    Feel free to post here anytime! I'm hopefully going to get access to private messages soon too, so if you want to talk one-on-one I'm happy to do that as well. Hang in there!(&&&)
     
  6. sepphhyy

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    Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. It really makes me feel better to be able to talk to people who understand what I'm going through. To answer your questions Aeon Magus, I care about my friends parents views because I'm very close to them as well. They've always been there for me and I'd hate to lose them. I know that I will lose them in the process of coming out though. My friend is very influenced by her parents views and has adopted them as her own. I understand that I should at least give her the chance to better herself but I'm hesitant as all of you can imagine. We've always imagined ourselves as being best friends for the rest of our lives. To be completely honest, she's a large part of why I'm still in the closet. There is one situation in particular that makes me sure she won't accept me. One day we were driving to the mall, and as we were finding a parking spot, we saw a lesbian couple holding hands and kissing as they were walking into the mall. Then my friend said that they shouldn't even be let into the mall. I asked her what she was talking about because she made that comment out of no where. She then told me that she thought they were disgusting and shouldn't be allowed to shop at the mall because they were lesbians.

    Maybe my friend will accept me. I might just be over thinking things, but every time I want to tell her, my mind goes back to the day she said that. If she can place judgement on total strangers, I can't imagine how she will react to me. I'm not afraid of what people will say about me when I come out. All my life people have called me gay, and for the longest time, I thought it was a horrible thing. My peers had convinced me that being gay was the biggest insult. But ever since I came to terms with who I really am, I've realized that I should be proud to be gay.

    By the way, my posts probably seem like I'm jumping from one thing to another, but this is the first time I've been able to talk about it so just bare with me.

    Thanks for your support!!