Hi guys just a rant here I feel so lonely and cold... I want hot soup. So just recently I read an article about coming out and the steps are not necessarily in order. Well a few weeks ago I was sure i was gay and even came out to a few of my friends, now im questioning myself if i am, because i was reminded of a wet dream which i pictured a woman. And now I feel like sh!t because my life is falling into little jigsaw pieces...again. I hate school soo much and want to just sleep, I wonder whats comes after death..., suicidal thoughts, maybe i should see some help. I really should... Anyways off topic, coming out not necesssarily in order I was on that final strech of road where everything was so very clear and now im back to square one, I really don't know how i got back here, i guess it make sense since i didnt really start at square one. Here I am the weather is cold and its supposed to be god dammed spring. Im scared of coming out, really is it that necessary I mean yea not necessary, if you feel like you cannot live a lie but still you remain vigilant that it was necessary and after you say to that wonderful friend of yours that you will the the exact same before you came out the you werent telling a LIE at all. Maybe im trying to find excuses to not come out... Do school councellors actually help? I'm skeptical about them. Do i want to die...no certianly not Do i want it to all just go away... yes Am i prepared to die for the latter... definately, as soon as possible, but what about simon? Im off to try and get some zzz, Oh and by the way dead sea by Brian Keene is a really good zombie apocalyse novel. I just wish it was that simple.
Comming out is really all what you choose to do. For the past month ive searched the internet for ways to come out to my friends an family, but the only thing i found, which was actually very helpful, was a youtube video that anoter FtM had posted, stating that you have to come out when you're ready and how you choose is up to you. I am weiting a letter to my friends and family. There are a few that i have told already who are very supportive. But if you want to know whether you are gay or not is your preferenxe. You may be bi curious or something. I know i was in the 7th grade and now im a a bisexual FtM if thats even possible. But i feel you man. Its hard and confusing. It has taken me 5 day to get half way through the letter ill be giving to my parents on Thanksgiving. You're not alone.
Hi there! First off, (*hug*) The feelings that you are having are pretty normal and something that a lot of people experience when they try to figure out their sexual identity. You are going through a lot of emotions and feelings. Sometimes, it can feel like a magnetic storm where the compass changes its main direction from north to south and back within a very short time period. This is what you are essentially experiencing in terms of your feelings. You are not back to square one. As odd as it sounds, but you have made some progress in figuring out your feelings and sexual orientation. It is also perfectly okay to have come out to some of your friends as gay. There is nothing wrong with coming out a second time or just saying to them, "my feelings are changing again, and I am questioning." They do help. If you have access to a counselor on school, I would encourage you to talk to him/her. Try to seek some help. When we start talking about our feelings out loud, we often can make better sense of them afterward. Getting some feedback on what you are experiencing will help you to put everything in a better perspective as well.
Right. I'm going to attempt to help - but I must warn you, I'm in a similarily depressive mood at the moment, so If I'm making things worse, feel free to ignore me. First things first is to recognise that you seem to need help. Professional help. And as sceptical as you may be about councillors (I know I am) - they can be a great step in the right direction, perhaps even the solution to all your problems. Even if your school-designated one can't cope with the problems your having, or seems to be doing little to help, they may be able to direct you to a private practitioner with more experience handling your specific problems. Especially considering that you've already gone through a process of accepting the gay mantle, coming-out and then suffering from doubts - it is really important that you get some sort of proffesional opinion to prevent the same thing happening all over again. I would caution you that a single wet-dream may not be the basis on which to determine your whole sexuality - but assuming you were wrong about being a 'typical' 'gay' - it's quite possible that you may be pansexual, bi-sexual or some denomination of both or neither. There are soooooo many possible labels when it comes to this thing, that the best thing you can really do is be utterly true to how you feel at any one given time, and follow that. Don't bother with giving yourself a label, it can give you a sense of accomplishment/belonging, but it really isn't nessacary - and a lot of people tend to be needlessly impatient to pigeon-hole themselves into the one category. Be open-minded. Thanks for the recommendation - I'll check out Brian Keene as soon as possible :3 As for school - and wanting to die to end the pain. *sigh* I don't know how to make these issues disappear, mostly because I don't know much about you or your circumstances. It sounds like getting some proper sleep could help a lot, you sound frazzled/incoherent, and things always seem worse when your sleepy (never has stopped me whining about my problems at 3AM though XD). Besides getting some sleep, I would suggest, again. Sorting out what seems to be your central issue (your sexuality) with as much professional help as you can get your hands on. When we're unsure/questioning something as fundemental as our own self-image, other parts of our life often fall off the edge, and it's very easy to stop caring about things, or start getting suicidal thoughts. If you can manage to get your head around your 'identity crisis', it's a good bet that other things will start to sort themselves out. Chin-up! You've got people with you every step of the way here on EC.
