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The Stages of Your Acceptance

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hollywood, Dec 11, 2007.

  1. Hollywood

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    I've found that it has helped me a lot to analyze the stages that I went through as I struggled with accepting my attraction to men. It helped me a lot with understanding why I acted the way I did and why I act the way I do now.

    -First Stage: Ridiculously Conservative Christian. I was brainwashed into christianity from birth and accepted it as my only path in life from a young age. About a year and a half ago, I started to reject everything about christinaity and come to hate the idea of religion altogether. I used the idea that the God I believed in would never make me gay/bi or give me a "struggle" I couldn't deal with, because thats what was pounded into my head every Sunday morning. For years I would publically bash homosexuality and then go home and fantascize about men and then beat myself up over it.
    -Second Stage: Bitch. After rejecting christianity about a year and a half ago, and still struggling with the idea that I might be different, I became a complete bitch. I was so mean, bitter, and hateful towards everyone. I had no TRUE friends, as I began talking about everybody behind their backs just like all of the other people who were my "friends." I was like this for a solid year, then this past summer I slowly began to accept who I am.
    -Third Stage: Who I Am Today. The past six months I have fallen in love with my best guy friend, and more then anything, that has what has caused me to accept that this isnt going away. I have become a much less bitter person and am a thousand times nicer then I was last year. I love my sexuality, because even though when I come out to everyone my life, specifically my home life (hence waiting until I'm out of this house in 9 months to come out to my family) will be hell. But I've realized that in the long run this will be what makes me happy and that is truely what matters.

    What about you?
     
  2. Ty

    Ty Guest

    1.Denial
    I knew that i liked to think about men rather than women since puberty maybe before that. I would just dismiss it as a phase though, i thought it would go away.

    2. Hate
    I hated myself and still do to some degree. Although im doing well at school and people telll me im not particulary bad looking but i don't believe 'em. Still very negative image of myself.

    3.where i am now
    Gotton better of the idea of me being gay but still mixed with stage 2
     
  3. Rette

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    -Denial: I told myself that I couldn't be gay, and tried really, really hard to be straight. That went on for nearly a decade :frowning2:

    -Bargaining: "Okay, maybe I'm bisexual. So, I can still date girls. In fact, I'll just ignore my homosexual tendencies altogether"

    -Realization: "Huh...it seems that I ONLY have homosexual tendencies. Well now...this is quite the predicament..."

    -Quiet acceptance: aka, I've accepted it, and I'm out to a few people. Where I am now.
     
  4. InaRut

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    Good idea for a post :grin: Lets see..

    1) Confusion: So it started off with me...Tottally oblivious to me even thinking about being homosexual. I wasn't really exposed to anything to prove me gay because we're a pretty closed minded community where I live. So I just sorta walked around any gay ideals in my head. Until I accidently came across an image of two men. When I found myself aroused at this...I told myself well it's the expression on their faces...or it sorta looks like a guy and a girl doing it...really lame excuses.

    2) "Oh Shit" So I then realised that yea I was looking at homosexual pornography. And then all those thoughts I had supressed through out the years were comming up to get me. So really my realization with being homosexual was really in the end a big, "Oh shit." Of course it's a good explanation of why I was having such troubles dating women.

    3) Seeking Help-Secretively. I didn't really like the idea of me being gay. I thought it was a phase...that it would just blow over. (sounding like my mom) and I even thought I'd just have to find the perfect girl. But I knew I really liked men, and I prayed (For a while) that this will change. And I really started to get angry with myself. I somehow thought the internet brainwashed me. Haha. So I started to explore the web, made some friends and just talked my way though my homosexuality.

    4) Comming out. So after talking with my new internet friends I finally decided that it would be right for my bro to know....and in the comming out thread you can see how that went. *sigh* So I was sorta pushed back into feeling really guilty...especially with my mother.

    5) Comming to EC.

    6) The "talk" with mom.

    That's pretty much how it is so far.
     
  5. Paul_UK

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    1. Oblivious. From ages 11 to 16 I went to an all-boys boarding school and plenty happened (you know what I mean). I was having fun with other boys and fantasising about other boys, yet it really didn't occur to me that I was gay. This may seem odd but it was 30 years ago and homosexuality just wasn't mentioned then and there was no indication to teenagers (especially in the somewhat insular environment of a boarding school) that it was a possible way of life. I just assumed I would leave school, meet a girl and all would be fine.

    2. Realisation. From around 15, a few months before I was to leave school, I began to consider the situation more. The fun I was having would soon come to an end, and there was no way I could see that I would get the same thing outside school. Although I tried, I could not find girls attractive or fantasise about them (thoughts always went back to boys). After I had left school and was going to college I had a crush on a boy I saw at the railway station. Again there were girls there who did nothing for me, but this boy really did. This was the first time I definitively put the word "gay" to what I am.

    3. Denial. I felt there was no way I could be gay. Gays were those vile creatures that tabloid newspapers published such scathing articles about (in those days they were allowed to publish this stuff and racist stuff unchallenged). Or gays were effeminate (like John Inman or Larry Graceson) and the butt of jokes. That wasn't me, so I can't be gay. It must just be because I haven't experienced sex with a girl. I'll meet a girl, have sex and it will all be fine. Besides, being gay is illegal until I'm 21 (age of consent then). No, I am not gay... I am not gay.....

    4. Beginning to accept. Two girlfriends that I couldn't get aroused with later, plus a few more crushes on guys at work, plus all the posters my sister had in her bedroom and that mega-cute guy in the Karate Kid movies (Ralph Macchio) she watched. It was becoming ever more difficult to keep convincing myself I was straight. I was approaching my mid 20s and still living with my parents (I couldn't afford to move out). I felt there was nothing I could do, and I was stuck in limbo.

    5. Acceptance. I was offered a job in Hereford, about 150 miles from my parents and in an area where I could afford to get my own place. It was the chance I needed and I took it. After getting the practical stuff sorted out and in due course buying my own home, there was this homosexuality thing to deal with. Yes, I am gay, now I need to do something about it. The local and London Lesbian and Gay Switchboards helped steer me in the right direction. Within a year I was out to all and had met Markie.

    6. Contentment. I am out to all and have been for about 17 years. I am still with Markie after 16 years. I have a good job where being gay is no problem and in fact is the norm (the boss is gay and most of the guys including the two I share an office with are gay). We have a nice home. Our families are fine with us. Overall life is good.

    Ultimately I would like everyone to get where I am, preferably without wasting the best part of 10 years doing so. When I was in my teens and early 20s there was no Internet and no other way of finding the info I needed, which is partly why I was so isolated and felt I was the only person like me. This is why I am so enthusiastic about what we are doing here at EC.
     
  6. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    1: aware of possibility: to about age 10 i was vaguely aware
    2: suppression: major i am not gay! phase lasting approx 4 years. featuring "phew, i'm really not gay!" every time i found a boy cute
    3: yes, i fantasise about women, but that doesn't make me gay: self explanataroy. only lasted about 2 months
    4: today: oh dear. oh dear oh dear. i think - yup, it's not going away... i think i'm gay...

    sometimes i feel kinda like i can't be gay because i didn't go through a decade long period of denial. also because during stage 2 i did think about boys, and i really thought i was attracted to them. so (maybe this is just denial) but it kinda still makes me think perhaps i'm not really gay. :S
     
  7. sdc91

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    1. Realization
    2. Confusion
    3. Denial
    4. Supression
    5. Depression
    6. Tolerance
    7. Acceptance
    8. Got comfortable with it

    So far I've only come out to myself, but I'm working on that. I hope to change that "out status" on my profile soon . . .
     
  8. 1)Realization(age 11)
    2)Violent anger over it/suppression
    3)Realization again at 16
    4)Disgust/vain attempts at suppression
    5)Got comfortable with it
    6)Is great with it now
     
  9. sngl

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    That sounds like me....except that I never thought I might be bi. The bargaining stage was like "Maybe I like guys much more than girls but I can never have relationships with them anyway, because that's wrong and disgusting". But the denial part describes exactly my situation as well.
     
  10. Grof142007

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    1)Realization that i like guys young age
    2)Tried to ingore age 11
    3)Got comfortable with it age 12
    4)Out to Everyone Age 18
    I think i still tend to step back into the closet when my safety is even thought about being in danger.
     
  11. Owen

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    1. Ignorance: I was 10 when I first became attracted to men. However, I hadn't learned anything about sexuality, so I thought it was normal. And since being straight was normal, I subconsciously thought I was straight.

    2. Confusion: I still had the "I must be normal" thoughts when I was 12, so I was conflicted between being bi and straight as this stage.

    3. Bargain: At about 14, I "decided" that I was bisexual. It wasn't homophobia that motivated my "decision" so much as confusion. I had gotten really close to some girls by that time, though I was never attracted to them. I didn't really know what sexuality was, so I thought that these close relationships meant that I did like girls.

    4. Acceptance: Amazingly enough, I accepted my being gay before I even figured it out. During this stage, the idea of being gay became less and less alien to me, and I slowly came to accept the idea that I might be full-blown gay. I stopped fantasizing about being in a relationship with a girl and started fantasizing about being in a relationship with a guy.

    5. Post-Epiphany: Since I had already accepted the idea of being gay, it made it a lot easier for me when I finally figured it out and 16 years. I was still unsure about coming out, so I told a few of my close friends.

    6. Acceptance: After a while, I finally realized that being gay didn't make me different in any way. I started being completely honest with people about my sexuality and telling them at every given opportunity.

    7. Embracing it: As the acceptance stage wore on, I became proud of who I was and began to realize that growing up gay had made me a better person. I was no longer nervous about telling people, and it became a part of my every day life.

    Since I've fully embraced being gay, I'd say my self-acceptance is complete, so there's no way for me to tell you where I am in the stages.
     
  12. LorenzG1950

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    Complete ignorance until about 17. Dated girls, kissed, but felt nothing. Told everyone that I was never getting married. Big wrestling fan since age 9.

    Confusion. At 22 had a chance to sleep with a nice lady while on vacation in Miami. Got close and chickened out. Saw 2 movies that left a lasting impression (“A Separate Peace” & “Summer of ‘42”) where I was obviously more interested in the guys (wake up, dumb ass).

    Ignorance, confusion, and internalized homophobia. Pretty good straight actor from my 20’s to 50’s, had long term platonic relationships with women, numerous opportunities for sex with women were avoided. The thought that I could be gay never entered my head. Just knew that I was not sexually attracted to women and loved to masturbate (ya gotta do something:eusa_danc).

    Curiousity (damn it, what’s wrong with me). From about 52+, extensive research on sexology, books, scientific papers, web sites, studies on the subject of fetishism and asexuality, biographical essays, self-analysis, …
    Wrote a few sexual fantasy short stories. Strangely, I much preferred my co-star to be male (duh :eek: ).

    Enlightenment. Just after my 56th birthday, two movies I bought on DVD (“Summer Storm” & “Latter Days”) bash me over the head with a baseball bat. The sex scene in “Summer Storm” brings me to tears, happy ones. The dumb ass wakes up. No more ignorance or denial. I should have known all along (or at least much sooner).

    Joy. I join EC, come out to my girlfriend of over 20 years, have my first dates with guys, and my first boyfriends, come out to my family, come out to my boss, become a vocal gay rights advocate in the US military, and enjoy my first gay vacation on Malta with my boyfriend (2 weeks ago (!) ).

    Some days I still have to pinch myself to realize that all of this really happened and that I am very content to have found my sexual orientation, as well as a boyfriend who accepts me the way I am.

    For those of you still trying to figure it out, don’t take as long as I did :icon_redf .
     
  13. sngl

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    OMG! That's exactly what happened with me too. Somehow those 2 movies (and some other gay themed ones) hepled me a lot with accepting myself and with making the decision about coming out to a few people.
     
  14. Zec24

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    1) Obliviousness: in high school I always had crushes on either my young female teachers or a few other girls. Never put two and two together, even though I knew I didn't like guys the way most girls do. Lol, I'm perceptive.

    2) Confusion: beginning of college was confusing for me, so busy I didn't really have time to deal with anything though.

    3) More confusion: read about asexuality in my junior yr in college (last year), and that described me. Also at that point I realized I was attracted to women though.

    4) Acceptance: This year I've made progress towards fully accepting myself and finally clearing the confusion. I'm in a good place now.
     
  15. s5m1

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    Repressed it for way too many years. Refused to acknowledge it. Fought it. Wound up depressed. Finally accepted this is who I am and now trying to figure out what to do next. That is part of what I am doing on this site.
     
  16. Sharkattack2222

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    Anyone ever go back into a denial stage after being in a relationship with the same sex? Or if you weren't dating, did you go into a stage of denial after somewhat accepting your sexuality?
     
  17. Yuya

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    1) Self Loathe: Brought up being anti-gay by my Christian upbringing, discovered I was gay and comdemned myself for being gay. Parents caught me with gay related pictures and grounded me. In Primary School during this period.

    2) Denial: Publicly denied being gay but secretly met up guys for encounters. No sex but I felt humiliated each time and hated myself for doing it. In High School during this period.

    3) First Attempt: Had a secret relationship, didn't work out, Parents found out and stopped boyfriend from stepping into the house. Fell in love with a straight guy, much drama fell into depression. In a College during this period.

    4) Depression: Full blown depression for 5 years. Drop out of church which the guy was from. Did not attempt to get involve in another relationship. Felt that I would be single for the rest of my life. Publicly and shamefully denied being gay. In uni during this period.

    5) Acceptance: Went to Australia and studied for 3 years. Towards the last year, felt that I had enough of being alone and decided to give it one more try. Put an ad in an online site and added my photo to it. Change my profile serveral times and one day my boyfriend pmed me. We chat, we met, we went out a few times and after a date at a friend's house we became boyfriends that night.

    6) Coming out: Being with boyfriend gave me the strength to come out. First told a girl, a friend's friend whom I met for the first time. We clicked on so many levels and when she ask, I couldn't deny it any longer. It was the greatest and proudest moment in my life. Told my best friend when we went up to the mountains next. Told the people living with me after that.

    7) Currently: Coming out one person at a time. Having a loving boyfriend has helped me to grow in my confidence. Will continue to do it until I've come out to my family last of all.
     
  18. coastgirl

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    1.) Slight Dawning - I kind of knew I liked other girls more than I should but I just thought I wanted to be friends with them, or thought they were cool. Was such a tomboy. This was like...preteen early teen.

    2.) Realization (or, FIG (fuck I'm gay)) - Finally dawned on me what was going on after getting crushes on numerous girls in middle school / high school. I finally realized why I would get "stuck" on a certain girl, and obsess over her. Had a huge crush on a female teacher in middle school.

    3.) Denial - Almost immediately after Realization. Prayed on the floor of my bathroom that God would fix me. Cried so hard I nearly gave myself an aneurism. Thought it would make God listen. Nope.

    4.) Shattering Moment - in college I had to watch Mulholland Drive for class. Anyone seen that movie? I was sensing some tension between the two female leads, but when they had that sex scene it literally felt like something inside me shattered. My jaw was on the ground. I knew.

    5.) Still in Denial - Tried to be straight. Tried to fix myself. Tried to force myself to have crushes on guys. Tried to pray the gay away. This was through college into last year when I was 25.

    6.) F*ck it, I have to deal with this - A year and a half ago, after crushing hopelessly on my straight female best friend, I saw that the Christian singer Jennifer Knapp came out. It finally pushed me over the edge. Maybe I can still be gay and Christian.

    7.) Coming out to myself - First wrote the phrase "I am gay" in my journal. Kind of a big step considering prior journal entries were "maybe it's going away" or "maybe I have a crush on this guy so I don't have to deal with....that".

    8.) Self-Acceptance - I'm still kind of in this phase. It's getting easier every day I think, and I'm working up the courage to tell my gay friend. I've made friends with some lesbians and it has been helping me to put a face to who I am, and realize that they are people just like anyone else (prior to this I never was knowingly friends with anyone gay).
     
  19. Nomad187

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    umm I accepted it as soon as I realized it. no stages just accepted it. no denial or anything
     
  20. crazyhead

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    I always fantasized about men instead of women. I probably thought about women a few times, I don't know. But I told myself it was just something kinky I liked to fantasize about. Nothing I would actually consider doing. I rationed that it was very unlikely that I'd be gay. After all, most people in the world are straight. There's nothing wrong with being gay, I'm just not, I'd think to myself. I even defended homosexuality to people. I soon met my first gay guy. Homosexuality had always just been a thing that was out there in the world, but now it was something real that people could really do. But then I got a girlfriend because she said she liked me. Never tried to do anything. Including kiss her. Still only fantasized about men. One day, thought, "straight guys don't do that. Let me try something." Since I had actually met a real gay person (and I was in theater, so everyone there was pro-gay) I was able to accept the possibility that I could be. I looked in the mirror and thought, "I'm bi." And the world made sense. And stress went away. I met a guy who said he was bi and we started getting close. I started developing a crush on him, but I didn't know that's what it was because it was the first time I'd felt this way, ever. I never had any real crushes on girls. And if I had any on guys, I'd have ignored them. So it was the first time I felt it knowing I was attracted to the same sex. It was a bit confusing. My girlfriend got the impression I was gay and said we should just be friends. So we did. Then that guy told me he like me, so we became a couple. I'd never been happier. I came out to my friends pretty much right away by just openly dating him cuz I didn't see any reason not to. I didn't come out to my parents till my second boyfriend. It was around this time that I had gradually realized that I was not attracted to women at all. It didn't bother me because I wasn't dating one. And had kinda stopped planning to a while ago. I came out to my parents because I felt bad that I had to lie about my boyfriend. And I figured they already knew because they'd met him and it's obvious he's gay. I didn't expect any problem. (They're very much NOT religious. Really.) But I was still scared as hell. I just picked a day at random and said it pretty much at random. There was no problem. And now they know my current boyfriend very well and think we should move in together, get married, and adopt.
     
    #20 crazyhead, Oct 13, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2011