One of the challenges I am facing in coming out is that one of my roommates makes me uncomfortable. My friend and I found her on craigslist this summer after our third roommate had to pull out of the lease, and she turned out to be quite different from the initial impression she gave. She is a very forward person. For instance, she asked if I were gay, to which I replied, "no." I think this is totally out of line to ask someone if you don't know them well. You should wait for them to bring it up -- something she should know having worked in the LGBT community. She also automatically assumed that my friend and I were lesbian and gay respectively because when she asked us if we were a couple we both said no really quickly. She is sort of in your face sex positive to the point of hedonism. Oh, and she hates poor people and feminism. I have since learned to stay away from politics. So, its not that she won't be accepting, but I don't know her that well and I don't know how to navigate the time between being out (to my other roommate) but not out to everyone. I think this is especially true since I am not really comfortable sharing the details of my life with my close friends let alone with some rando I met on craigslist whom I have only know for two months. Maybe I am making a big deal out of this with respect to coming out, but in any case I can't wait until our lease is up and we move. Am I making too big a deal out of this? I just don't know how to handle it because she is not going away and saying "Hey you make me uncomfortable can you spend more time out of the house," is not really a solution either.
please help me here. she asked u if you were gay. you said no. how is she still making you uncomfortable. you dont owe her any information. you are out to the other roommate. just let the other roommate know that you do not want this person in your business. be cordial to her but you dont' have to like her or be her best friend. it doesn't sound like you're bringing a lot of gay guys into the house either so its not like she is going to know. even if you are bringing dudes over, that's your business. if she opens her mouth again and asks you something crazy like that set her straight right then and there. other than that, i woudln't not have much to say to this chick.
I am not out to my other roommate who is one of my best friends, and that is part of the problem -- I don't feel comfortable telling my friend when she is around, which is almost always because of our schedules. As to why exactly I feel uncomfortable. Its just a personality thing. There are sometimes just people in the world you don't mesh with and she is one of them for me.
ok well i mean, do you wnat to be out to your friend who is your roommate. if your other friends know y are you not telling the roomie who is your friend? ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2011 at 01:31 PM ---------- if you want to tell the friend who is your roomie and the crazy roomie is aroiund just take the friend to starbuks and discuss it tehre or somewhere you feel comforatable outside of the apartment. i guess i'm not understanding what the problem is.
I see. So basically I'm not out to anyone. She is my closest friend so I want to tell her first, but our schedule basically preclude almost anytime alone because I work in the morning and she works in the afternoon and the evening including, so we rarely get to see each other without our third roommate being around. But that's not entirely the point. When I come out to my friend, rather than my house being a safe space where I can finally talk about this with my friend, I feel like I will have to cover that up at home if I want to maintain my privacy.
ok so now i finally understand. you wanted to come out to your friend and then live in peace in but now you have a whack-job for a third roomie. here's my advice. if you want to come out to your friend, you know that schedules aren't an issue, you can find the time if you wanted to do it. also if you dont want this other chick knowing then yes, you will have to hide it. but to me it sounds like you are using her as an excuse not to tell. because if you really wanted to tell and live in peace, you would have done that before this girl moved in. also who is this new girl anyway, who cares what she thinks. she doesnt' even know you. what really would you be hiding from her? let's say in a perfect world that she was not there. what really is different if you told? you tell your friend, you guys dont see each other anyway, i mean so were you thinking of wanting to bring dudes over or gay friends over? i guess what i'm saying is, this third roommate is not going to know anything any way. my advice to you is just do what you feel makes you feel most comfortable right now. if you do not decide to tell, then the next roommate you get, you better advertise that you need someone who is gay friendly or gay because if not, you're going to be in the same boat again.
Your roommate probably already knows. That's likely why she asked. So she's sort of waiting for you to acknowledge what, in her mind, might already be a certainty. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but that's my guess as to why she's being the way she is. As for telling your friend... it sucks that your house isn't the right space because of the housemate, but it is what it is. So, as others have suggested, find a quiet corner of some coffeehouse or something somewhere where you can talk and tell her there. Then you can come out to your housemate and i think you'll find things are better once the awkwardness is worked out
Your sexuality is part of (in fact, in virtually dictates) your private life. So you yourself need to decide how best and when it's best to come out. I actually had not much choice, because a relative of mine 'accidentally' discovered some gay porn on my PC and went ahead and told my mum DX. So I strongly believe that you need to come out on your own terms. I only have told people I trust, which generally tends to be my friends. Chinese people come with a whole different set of cultural traditions and social norms (particularly the older generations), so I haven't really told most of my family members except those of my generation. My mum has accepted me for who I am... well now she's pretty much been forced to . My dad has no idea basically because he split up from my mum since I was about 18 months old and he hasn't really been there for me since. I'd suggest writing to your friend, if you want to let her know but can't find the time to meet up. Writing things down often works better (I write poems ) as you can really compose your thoughts and work out what you want to say. And you can take as long as you need. Remember, your own privacy is paramount. You're 22 and so technically an adult, so you have every right to conduct your life as you see fit, come hell or high water. The other important piece of advice I have for you is: Look after number one and number one is yourself. Chin up and have some self-worth! I really hope it all works out for you. Write on my wall if you need to. Good luck. Best, F.
p.s. even if you told the roomie you like and she is ok with is which i know she would most likely be, then you dont have to tell the roomie you dont like. the only way she would know somethign is up is if you start bringing dudes over that are gay or you're always alone in your room with men. and even if she sees or knows that, that's your business and not hers. but i can understand that it's hard coming out and especially you dont want to come out to someone you dont even like. i would probably tell my friend if it was really weighing on me to tell someone that i was gay. i would not tell the other rooommate. i would still go about living my life. iwould probably not bring guys over if i did not want the other girl to know. then when my lease was over i would find a living environment that was conducive to me being out or comfortable in my own home (gay friends, single place no roommate, gay friendly roommate, roommates that know and are ok with it).
Thanks y'all for your help, especially insidehappy, for helping me articulate what the problem was, but I guess it is kind of intractable, as much as I hate to admit it. I guess this mess is mostly my fault because I wasn't ready to consider coming out until the very end of the summer. I guess stiff upper lip and soldier on. Besides as you point out, for a number of reasons, I doubt I will start dating right away so that not really an issue for now, and maybe once I am a little it won't seem like such a big deal. I guess I should do, what I have often tried to do in this process -- not worry about the future too much.
no prob bro. you're going to be just fine. take it one step at a time. i wouldn't trip off this other roomie too much. with people like her, they are going to think whatever they are agoing to think. so whether you never bring a dude home or if you have a bunch of dudes over, she will still have her own opinion and her opinion really doesn't mean shit. the only thing this chick owes you is the monthly rent. other than that, screw her. lol. have a great night.
