This is going to be long so I apologize in advance I just have to get this out somehow. I decided to get a counselor since I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for the past year mainly due to my sexual orientation as well as other issues that I’ve had to deal with. For some time now, I’ve managed to accept the fact that I’m not straight and that I am most likely a lesbian (ugh it feels weird even writing the word). I even decided to accept my counselor’s offer about going to a support group for LGBT students on campus next semester as well as going to a LGBT center. But then, just when I start thinking that it’s ok to be gay and that I’m not gonna burn in the pit fires of hell, something happens that sends me all the way back to my repressive ways. And today for instance, it was because of my father. My family for the most part is pretty tolerant of other people although they can be extremely judgmental. However, when it comes to gay people… forget about it. There’s just no negotiating with them. Doesn’t matter how illogical they sound, there’s just no arguing with them about any decent qualities any gay people may have. Every time anyone gay comes up on the news it’s always about what an aberration, abomination, unnatural, or disgusting people they are. And today, while at church, the priest decides to bring up how our faith is being attacked and how we’re picking and choosing things from the bible to fit into what we want. Then my father manages to tie this in by giving us one of his annoying preachy sermons about how people are trying to make being gay is ok when it’s not. And I try to tell him that’s not true, that there’s scientific evidence that it’s not a choice and it has a biological component but no. Instead, he goes on with the whole “parts don’t fit argument”. So I got really pissed off because he refuses to acknowledge that some people don’t choose it and then started to say people are gay because they’re not raised with the proper morals and parents don’t instill the right values. At this point I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time because of the sheer irony. So because I was pissed I basically called him a hypocrite (which he definitely is) since it is ok for my mother to get surgery to tie her tubes when it goes completely against our wonderful catholic teachings that say sex is for procreation only. So no sex whatsoever but of course, he doesn’t listen even though I’m completely right about this and calls me a heathen because I simply stated the truth. And just like that, there’s silence and I don’t even know what to say because I just can’t seem to win no matter what I do. I keep thinking over and over again well maybe there is some truth to what he says and people are just picking to be gay and I’m just not fighting it as hard as I used. And then I go back to the examples my dad used about my aunt who went out with some women while she was using drugs and is now married to a man again or some guy that my dad used to know who became gay after being raped in jail. And then I think about the lesbians/bisexuals that I’ve met who’ve turned out to be the exact stereotypes my dad is talking about: girls that have sex with other girls because they’ve been wronged by men or feel like rebelling against the patriarchy or just because they can. And logically, I know in my head that these stereotypes aren’t true, (I know you guys aren't at all like that!)and that my counselor knows what she’s talking about, that homosexuality is not just something you can pick, but whenever my dad argues against me, I feel like he’s right and I’m wrong and I just need to try harder and harder because I’ve been able to block it out before and I felt perfectly fine. I felt like I was just into guys so it worked and I was fine. And I know what science says and that it’s only religious nutbags that claim homosexuality can be cured but I just can’t help but feel that I’m wrong and that I just need to be fixed. I keep thinking about it over in my head. I can’t even sleep anymore and sometimes I feel like crying in the middle of class. I sometimes even cry at night because of the guilt and resentment I have. I hate all my classes and I don’t even know what I wanna do as a career anymore and I’m already a junior in college. My counselor says that I have an identity issue and I realize that it’s true based on so many things in my life and also in part, because all my life, I’ve just done what I’m supposed to do or because it’s the right thing to do. I’ve never given much thought to what I really wanted, but the thing is I don’t even know what I want from my life. I feel like I don’t care about anything anymore and that what I want is irrelevant anyways. I just don’t know what to do. I’m tired of hating myself and feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the universe. I just wanna feel like a human being again. How do I go about feeling better? Is there anything that I can do? Even going to therapy I feel like all I do is talk and end up with more questions about myself but what I need is a solution to all this shit that I’m dealing with.
First things first. The winner of the debate isn't necessarily the person who is right. If somebody is using wrong or outdated information to back up their argument, and they refuse to listen to anything new, then you are not going to win a debate with them. I can insist that the sun goes around the Earth because my priest told me so, and if I refuse to listen to any of your scientific arguments (and call you a heathen for daring to bring them up), that may make me "win" the debate - at least in my eyes. But that sure don't make my argument the right one. It sounds like your father doesn't want to budge from his argument (right now), and you don't want to come out to him (right now). Given this, there's no reason to argue the point with him (right now). Once you come out, you'll probably end up forcing a rethink in his way of thinking. But right now, there's no reason to butt horns over it. Don't bother talking to him about it for now. Avoid the topic with him. Are you able to "go straight"? Yes. But it'll be a sham. An act. It'll REALLY be "the parts not fitting". You'll be a square peg in a round hole, and for what reason? So your dad will be happy? Screw him - he didn't marry a woman just to make his parents happy. He (presumably) got married because he fell in love with that woman. And you should follow the path that makes YOU happy, not the one that cause your father the least amount of grief. Lex
it is not likely that your dad will change his beliefs. the only chance of that happening is if you come out to him, and then wait a decade or so. these are values instilled within him that have absolutely nothing to do with you. it doesn't matter that you may be a lesbian. they're deeply rooted beliefs that can only change when they affect someone who he loves. (cue daughter with an alternate sexuality.) so for now, you're right in saying that he will not budge. he just won't. and you can't take it personally, because, as you know, he doesn't know what he's talking about. and when i say you can't take it personally, i know that's easier said than done. of course we all take the things our parents say personally. they're our parents. our flesh and blood. we don't want to disappoint them. but you have to separate yourself from their views. your life is different from theirs. you are an entirely different person-- and not just because you like girls. but because you are an individual. and a great one too, i'm sure. you're going to have ups and downs. this is a really, really difficult thing. you're going to have nights when you go to sleep easily, proud of who you are, and proud of what you're doing with yourself, and then you're going to have the sleepless nights, where you're ashamed and sad and confused. and that's all part of life. the simple fact is, being gay is not wrong. you know that. i know that. but your dad doesn't know that. he just doesn't understand. things may change in the future, but for now he doesn't understand. it's ok to question and doubt yourself, and i totally understand that when your dad argues with you about homosexual, your resolve fades a little. but in the end...you know what is right, and you know who you are. because you're in college, you're surrounded by opportunities to try new things. don't limit yourself. join groups, try activities, take different classes-- finding your identity and figuring out what you want to do with your life can't happen unless you discover what you love and what you're passionate about. you have your whole entire life ahead of you-- years of meeting people and traveling to new places and having relationships with all sorts of human beings, men and women alike. embrace it.
Lex- I realize that I shouldn't even bother trying to convince him now as I'm still having trouble accepting myself. I can't even tell myself that I'm gay so telling him is still very much in the future. It's just so hard to hear these things because then I just keep getting all these negative thoughts in my head about how my family will hate me and how I'm a terrible daughter. Addie- Part of the major problem with me not being able to take all the classes I want is that if I change my major or take a class simply for the enjoyment, my parents will flip out and I'll have wasted so much of their money. They think college should be something I finish quickly. I also already have loans and the worst part is that I would have to live at home for a much longer time if I changed my major which I don't want to do anymore because of all the guilt. I feel like I"m being suffocated by the overwhelming sense of guilt. Just breathing in this freaking house makes me feel like a shit person and I just can't take it anymore. So I'm stuck in this catch 22 where if I tell my parents that I want to change my major and take different classes, they might not bother to pay for them and I'll have an insane amount of debt after graduation. But if I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna remain terribly unhappy. I'm just so miserable and it feels like no matter what I do it's hopeless. Especially because of the guilt... It's too much. You know how they tell you when you're kid that you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up? It' such bullshit. I feel like everything is pointless and I have no desire or motivation to do anything else. I just want to crawl up in my bed and tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.
First, let me say that it breaks my heart that your father is so close-minded and causing you such pain. I wonder what makes you think you're a terrible daughter? By whose definition? It sounds to me like you're going above and beyond to please your parents. The fact is, though, that you're an adult now (albeit a young one) and it's time to start doing things for yourself. You can't make everyone happy and there's no reason to try to. You'll just make yourself miserable that way. It's time to know yourself and accept whoever that is. Once you can accept who you are it will be easier to let your father's beliefs go and stop letting him make you feel guilty. You have no reason for guilt. You like what you like, it's that simple. If you love the color purple but he says purple is evil and wrong, would that stop you from liking purple? Ok, so that's a pretty odd analogy but I think you know there's nothing wrong with the color purple. Just like there's nothing wrong with being gay. It's part of who you are and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Being gay doesn't hurt anyone. You being gay won't hurt your father, it's his beliefs that are hurting him. I hope you can find peace in this difficult time. (*hug*)
>>>It's just so hard to hear these things because then I just keep getting all these negative thoughts in my head about how my family will hate me and how I'm a terrible daughter. Being a good daughter doesn't mean having to conform to a parent's unrealistic expectations. It'd be like "letting your father down" because you didn't excel on the track team despite being in a wheelchair. You did not choose to become gay on some whim, and ha ha, look at dad squirm because of it. You ARE gay. You were BORN that way. And he has no right to demean you for it. You know what sort of reaction you'll get from him on this topic now, so simply don't bother bring it up with him anymore. Lex
Hey sorry you are having such a tough time, its hard when you come across unsupportive people but even worse when these people are your parents. First and foremost you have to believe that there is nothing wrong with being gay, its not your fault and you were born like it (as others have said). I know it might sound stupid but it might help you to just write down a couple of times 'I was born gay but its not my fault and there is nothing wrong with it'. Also for a while when you get up in the morning just say to yourself I am gay but that doesn't make me a bad person, and I am going to get through this. Its amazing how just saying things to yourself can improve your mood. Stay around EC and talk to people here you will find support and people with similar stories. I think you should definitely stick with the Counsellor and try and attend the LGBT group the more you can be around people that understand where you are coming from the more comfortable you will be with it.
Silverhalo- I think I am going to give the lgbt group a try although I'm completely terrified of the idea! My counselor has been great so far and she's really understanding so I know I just gotta pull through this and not let these dark moments cloud up my life. Maybe at least being able to come to terms with my sexuality my give me some more clarity as to what I want to do in life and what's important to me. Thank you for the advice. I'm gonna try to tell myself that being gay is ok until I finally convince myself. Lex- I laughed quite a bit at the squirming part :lol: but you're right, I'm setting myself up for failure by trying to be a "perfect" daugher. Thank you so much for the support! MamaFugs- (*hug*) Thank you so much for all your kind words. Getting rid of the guilt is going to be tough but I'm so glad I found this site with such wonderful people in it!
(*hug*) Awww, I get how you feel. Some of my family are like that and I know a close friend who also thinks its 'not natural' and .. disgusting. .. But its not. And You dont even choose to like girls in that way. I think you should definetly just leave you dad to think what he likes. You shouldnt have to work to win the argument., like Lex says. Its not about that. 'I'm still having trouble accepting myself. I can't even tell myself that I'm gay', u diont have to tell anyone yet. You've got time to work it out for yourself and be comfortable with it in your own time. Your dad can think what he likes for the while and you just be yourself. Get to know people on this website, it really does help talking topeople that you can relate with and hopefully, one day it'll just click. Dont worry, I'm sure you'll be ok. I thnk its just going to take time . (*hug*)
