Change is overwhelming

So Hi

I've been gone for a few months. When I first found EC I started coming on everyday, usually more then once. My name is Leif, I live in Australia but I'm from the states, I have a boyfriend in Florida, I work for the military, I'm a huge nerd and I am trans.

So things were going along fine. I had EC and I even came out to two close friends. And then things changed. I got into an argument with someone very close to me and it made me rethink a lot of things about my life. I don't even remember what the argument was about. But it made me realize I wasn't dealing with things serious enough.

I have a number of problems keeping me from living a happy open life as Leif, the man, instead of Lizzette. Everyone has problems, I know that, and mine aren't particularly special or new. But for me they are a struggle.

Out of all the things keeping me from really taking a big step to living a happy real life is my boyfriend. You see, my boyfriend is straight. Very straight. And I have yet to tell him that I'm transgender. We've been together for a little over a year and a half and I've been coming to terms with myself for about six of those months. I love him incredibly, I trust him more then I've ever trusted anyone else. We met under odd circumstances (on an anonymous chat site) but we hit it off and started dating soon after. We lived on opposite sides of the country even at that time but flew out to visit each other as often as possible. I fell in love with him far more then I meant to. I know that he loves me as Lizzette the tomboy-ish woman though. And I just couldn't accept the fact that I'd have to lose him.

So I stopped coming on here. I wanted to see if I could live as Lizzette. I tried it for a few weeks, even forcing myself to get into a few more girly things like painting my nails and wearing skirts more often. At the end of two weeks I got sick, physically sick. The stress from acting that way just got to me. It's not me. So I decided to tone the girly down and just try to be me. The jeans an a shirt, gamer and all around book nerd. And that's what I've been doing the rest of the time. It's better, it's how I lived the majority of my life. Except it's not working either. I'm not Lizzette, I'm Leif.

In my dreams I see myself as a man. Sometimes in that half sleep half awake state I forget that I still have a female body. That's what happened to me this morning. I laid in bed and tried falling back asleep. I thought "At least in my dreams things feel right".

After laying in bed for a while I decided a few things. The first thing is, as much as I love my boyfriend, he more then anyone else deserves to know. We have a few issues that would eventually lead us to breaking up, we already had an expiration date (I want to get married and have kids, he doesn't). We just wanted to enjoy the time we did have. I know telling him is going to be rough so to make it easier on both of us I've decided to take my time coming out to him. Maybe it's cruel and selfish to stretch it out any longer but at this point I don't know how I could possibly live without him and I need this time to brace myself.

It's almost funny in a way how out of all the things I'm worried about, losing my boyfriend is number one. I'm okay with losing some friends and I'm alright with my family not accepting me. I have issues with my family anyway so it's just part of life. But when it comes to him I just don't know. I'd love to stay friends with him but I understand if he doesn't want to. I can't stand the thought of seeing him with someone else. But I want him to be happy. I wish I could be the one who makes him happy. Sometimes I wish I could be okay with being Lizzette but I know that's not going to happen.

I'm going to be a lot more active on here from here on out. You guys are such an awesome support. Just reading other peoples posts and knowing I'm not only one struggling helps incredibly. I mean, yeah, I know I'm not the only one but actually seeing it makes me feel not so alone.

I'm Leif. I'm depressed and struggling. I wish so badly that my body would just match my mind. Someone asked me why I want to be a man, "You're already a women so it would be easier for you to attract men as a woman?" It's not about what's easy though I've come to realize. It's about what's right. And being Leif is right. I don't feel strong. I feel shaky and on edge of tears far too often. I do my best to put a strong face on for my friends and family but I'm just hurting. I don't really know what I'm doing with myself or my life and no idea what I'm working towards at this point. But at least I have you guys and a few good friends.