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My struggle with labels, and feelings vs. experience

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Vesper, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. Vesper

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    I have this overarching need to find a label: lesbian, bi, bi-romantic, etc. I know I shouldn't have to fret too much over finding a label for myself, but if I don't, it feels like I'm floating around aimlessly in this rainbow pool. The fluidity of sexual orientation and gender identity unsettles me, to be honest.

    This is probably a stupid question, but how can I be sure of my sexual orientation if I'm a total virgin who's never been romantically attached to anyone? When I think about hugging or kissing women, it feels pleasurable, but this is only my imagination, since I don't have real-life experiences to draw upon. I have had attachments of an emotional nature to men, but the feeling I get from thinking of kissing or hugging them is not pleasurable. Are mere feelings good enough to identify the sexual orientation that best fits? From reading other threads around the forum, I get the impression that the general consensus is that one doesn't need to actually have been in a relationship or done the deed to know. Still, I can't help but have doubts about whether feelings not based on experience are more like wishful thinking from simply liking women more in general...

    I would appreciate your input on these matters. Thanks!
     
    #1 Vesper, Nov 14, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2011
  2. Jim1454

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    I don't think you need to have experienced an emotional or physical relationship with the same sex to know that's what you would prefer. You're open enough to have considered it, and the result was you think you'd prefer women. So go with that. Nobody's going to call you out on it if later in life you decide that doesn't fit for you any more.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Straight people don't seem to need to date, hold, hug, or screw a member of the opposite sex to know that they're straight. Similarly, I was very sure I was gay before I so much as dated another guy. I'd say if your feelings are fairly solid, and haven't changed drastically over time, then you should feel comfortable in thinking they're the "correct" ones.

    Lex
     
  4. Hidinginalabama

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    I see what your saying but at the same time I don't think it's needed. I felt the same way for some time but then I just knew that I didnt need to. I knew who I was and I was right. But if you really think you need to then do it. It's all up to you. You are the only one that really knows you.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    I think you can only go on what you know and from what you have said it sounds like for the moment at least you are gay or bi leaning towards gay, I dont think you have to actually have been with a girl to know you are gay. If you come out as gay and then later want to date a guy then so what you dont have to give up any guy dating rights to call yourself a lesbian. If you want a label then just use the one you think fits the best.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there! As other have mentioned you don't necessarily need to find a label to know who you are and what your feelings are. If you feel physically attracted to someone that is already a clue all in itself. Your feelings are a guide to how you feel about someone to whether or not you are attracted to them. To figure things out, you don't necessarily need to have been attached romantically or in a relationship with someone.

    Both emotional and physical attachments can be formed at different levels. It depends on what you are looking for in someone, and as to whether that someone can fulfill your needs. It is possible to have a close emotional relationship with one person (such as a friend) but have a physical and emotional relationship with someone else.

    Also, and as Jim mentioned, should your feelings change over time, that's okay too. Try to follow your feelings that you currently have. Explore them, and try to take note of different things that you become aware of.
     
  7. Cornflakes

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    I'm like you, I have this need to label myself right now, and as much as I tell myself that it's not necessary, it doesn't work . I haven't had any experience, but I think I'm a lesbian. Only you can know how you feel, and if you do feel differently after being with someone, then it's okay.
     
  8. Vesper

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    Thanks to everyone for your input. It's just hard for me sometimes to accept what I know deep down is true. I still have a lot to learn.
     
  9. 11 11 11

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    I know precisley how you feel Chouchou.

    I wish I could say more - but everyone else in the thread has already said much of what I wanted to say - other than you've got a partner in this predicament. Me.

    18
    Virgin
    Never had a relationship - or a crush for that matter.
    Possibly trans (MTF)
    Bisexual / Pansexual as a guy, and probably Lesbian /Bi as a girl.

    I have NO idea what's going on.
     
  10. Ianthe

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    People have funny ideas about "labels." Lesbian, bisexual, and so on--these are words we use to describe ourselves and our experiences to others. Like all words, and in fact all man-made things, they are imperfect. We do the best we can with them.

    What's really bothering you is that you either aren't clear about, or else haven't accepted, what you want. If you were sure, for example, that you were only interested in women, and you had accepted that, then it would be obvious that you should identify as a lesbian.

    You want to achieve clarity about what you really want in a partner--otherwise, how can you possibly know how to proceed in looking for one? And it just so happens that clarity on this issue will result automatically in you having a "label" for yourself.

    You can absolutely be sure of your sexual orientation without ever having had sex. Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to, who you want to date or have sex with.

    Desire should always come before the act, and therefore, you should always know that you want to have sex with someone before you actually do it. I really don't recommend having sex with someone before you are sure you want to, for any reason.
     
  11. Doctor Faustus

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    You can accept that your sexuality is fluid. It's no bad thing. Personally, although I'm effectively gay, I prefer to call myself "not straight" as I feel that the term "gay" carries certain assumptions which I have trouble subscribing to.

    ---------- Post added 15th Nov 2011 at 01:57 PM ----------

    Also, this:

     
  12. Vesper

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    I know that the fluidity of sexuality is an incontrovertible truth, and I also know that I can and will accept it sooner or later. At this point, however, accepting this truth is a work in progress, as I've only really had about a year so far to get used to the reality that I'm gay.

    I have accepted the fact that I'm interested in women. What I am still not 100% clear about is the degree to which I'm interested in men. At this point in time, and with the knowledge I have, I am identifying as a (it's still so hard to type it out) lesbian who is occasionally emotionally attracted to men.

    I desire intimacy and an emotional connection most of all, and as for sex, I only want to enter into that degree of intimacy in a relationship in which attraction and affection are deep and mutual. I would absolutely not even consider "doing it" with anyone else. I'm actually intensely prudish, almost to the point of feeling asexual, but I am not 100% averse to sexual intimacy if the right person comes along.
     
    #12 Vesper, Nov 15, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2011
  13. Ianthe

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    Eventually, I realized that I could never really firmly disprove bisexuality--and that, in fact, looking to disprove it was really the wrong approach to take. When I really considered my life in retrospect, I couldn't really think of a time when I had really been attracted to a man. Therefore, while bisexuality was not ruled out with certainty, it was clearly unsupported by any evidence--evidence that you could reasonably expect to be there. Being straight, of course, was contradicted by my attractions to girls, and in particular by an enormous crush I had had on one specific girl. So, I came to identify as a lesbian--and if I ever fall in love with a man, I suppose I will revise it to bisexual, and in that case I can explain honestly that, previously, I had not had any reason to think that I would ever be interested in a man. (This actually makes more logical sense to most people than revising the other way, which requires you to have mistakenly believed that you were attracted to people you actually weren't.)

    Well, good then. I was worried, because you were asking how you could know your sexual orientation without having sex, which sometimes leads people to go have lots of sex with random people, in order to find out who they are attracted to.