Hey...so I recently got out of a 3 year relationship. It ended because I was controlling and untrusting towards my boyfriend...he tried to tell me to change constantly but I never listened to him for some reason...so he left me. That was 2 weeks ago, and we've talked everyday since. He says that we should just be friends right now because he's not in love with me anymore, but he also says he still loves me and cares about me. I've been struggling with the pain of not having him anymore these past few weeks and there's been times where I've tried to walk out of his life for the sake of my own sanity but he stopped me. He says he doesn't want me out of his life completely and that if I leave I'd be ruining any chance we have to be friends. At this point I'm not even sure what I should do right now...I can either be friends with him and change my controlling behavior to see if its possible we can start a new relationship...or I can just cut contact with him and begin the process of moving on right now instead of later. I'm so afraid that if I stay and try to change that things won't work out later on...and I'll just be hurt again. I also don't want to be miserable anymore...I just want to find happiness within my life...but I still love him and care about him. I just don't know what to do anymore.
A relationship - be it a sexual one, a romantic one, a friendship, any type - is not dictated by one person alone. He cannot say "I'm not in love with you, so I won't be your boyfriend, but I care about you, so you have to remain my friend." If you feel you need time away from him so you can get your head back together, he needs to give you that time and space. And honestly, I think it's probably for the best right now. As much as you say you were the controlling one, your post suggests otherwise. Lex
Hi there! If you go back re-reading your post, you might realize that your boyfriend, is a bit controlling as well. Your ex-boyfriend is contradicting himself. On the one hand he tells you 'I don't love you' and on the other he tells you he loves you and cares about you. It sounds like that he is trying to keep you on the leash. If there were times that you wanted to walk out and he stopped you, you migt want to ask yourself, why? I think it is great though that you recognize that you have been controlling and didn't trust your boyfriend. Trust, listening, and not controlling are key ingredients for any relationship to remain healthy and work out in the long run. I would agree with Lex though that he should give you some space and time so that you are able to workout some of the things, and figure out ways that will allow you to move forward and find that happiness that you are looking for. Sometimes, taking a break and taking a step back can give us different perspectives on things in life, including as to whether we want to continue a relationship.
thanks for the replies. I just told him tonight that I can't love him anymore, especially if he doesn't feel the same way about me. He started freaking out and getting upset, but I pointed out that he's basically been telling me that 1) He was unhappy in our relationship and 2) He doesn't feel the same way about me anymore for the past two weeks. So I asked him why I shouldn't feel the same way and he understood. I'm disappointed in myself for spending the time and effort to try and get him back / change for him these past two weeks. I still intend to change my controlling behavior, but not for him. He doesn't deserve the love I have to offer him, nor is he grateful for it. I deserve to find someone who's willing to accept my love and offer theirs in return. That's the only way I'll be truly happy.
Not to toot someone else's horn, but I think this was a really good point: Your (now ex) bf's desire to break up, but still remain friends, yet have the relationship defined in a way comfortable for him yet emotionally difficult for you suggests that he's having just as much trouble moving on as you are (or were?). I think this is probably more common in break-ups than anybody realizes, and likely the reason that "remaining friends" is always so difficult. It sounds like you may have already gotten there, but the most helpful thing you can do in this situation is try to figure out how best to respect both of your feelings - and the hard part of course is learning to respect your own when you're so used to being focused on his for so long now. Good luck. Keep posting! (*hug*)
