Today I'm feeling hatred toward myself, but I'm not depressed.

So today was just not my day. Nothing exciting happened, I fell asleep in class twice, and I got told off--in a non yelling way.
Anyway on the bus today Tabitha (the one who told Andrew I like him) tells me after I mentioned something about Brad (from another post) and chimes in, "He's [Matt] str8." I tell her "How do you know?" She says "I know when a guy's gay or str8. I was watching this reality show where they had people find out if the guys were gay, str8, or single, and I was guessing every single guy. All the gay ones they couldn't figure out. I was like "You couldn't tell by his voice?""

So now all the damaging thoughts I've had about myself are coming back to haunt me. The "Donald you obsessed needy bitch, why the fuck do you even try in life? You never win the games you try." and all those hateful thoughts.
I also felt like Scarlett O'Hara: I'm not ever gonna get the men I want.
So Tabitha told me Matt's str8, and I asked her if it's because of his reactions to things I say and she said "You were like "Hi Matt, whatsup? [And then she said something I can't remember]."

But also in history 2nd period I see Andrew every day. And his friend Paul was back from suspension. So we were doing a full lesson all about the branches of government, the Electoral College, and the like.
Interrupting my "don't you dare speak about love and relationships" train of thought, Andrew calls my name all the way from where he was to where I was, but he didn't shout it and I heard him. But I refused to acknowledge him.
So he calls my name twice more.
And so he sat behind me like usual, except I didn't feel ignored: I was confused.
He started off, "Donald Simmons/I saw you at the Mall/Ima take you to the prom." So I looked at him and I said nothing.
Then he asked me for the geometry homework from before the break, and I let him copy off me. I want us to be friends, since we can be nothing more, and I don't wanna be enemies.
So then he asks me for my pen--the only one I had--and I gave it to him.
I leaned my ear toward him--the 'I'm waiting' mating call lol--and he said "Hold on", and as soon as he was done gave it back which I appreciate.

So nothing ever happened in History and nothing happened in any of my other classes.
Except for the fact that I fell asleep in two of my classes while we were watching the movies The Crucible and Enchanted.
And also that I never saw Matt today to tell him about my invitation as friends since we will never be anything more, as Tabitha told me and as my mind rehashed.
My friend Victoria is in his lunch period and I told her to ask him if he'd wanna go to the game but she said he ate in the courtyard. (Seniors are allowed to eat lunch in our school courtyard instead of eating in the cafeteria, and it's optional.)

Also going back to Tabitha, I told a few of my close friends about the Andrew situation, and they told me that she's crazy... she twists people's real opinions on things to make them look bad. Which is exactly what happened to me this morning.
She told me this morning, "Andrew's str8 and stop telling him 'I love you, I love you, I love you' every morning."
Me: "I don't tell him 'I love you' every morning.."
But I forget her reaction to what I said.

Anyway I know this is another depression post, but at least give me some opinions on how I should handle my school life these next few days.
Within the course of one week, and because of my stupid big mouth, everything gets flipped on me.
Feeling really pissed and down right now, even about Matt. I know someone said just disown her and that she's a bitch but I see her at our bus stop DAILY.

So any opinions on what I should do about my life these next few days?

 

Yes, but I'm only 15, so I only have 3 more years till college... and I see Tabitha EVERY day, and it's impossible NOT to talk to her. She's the poison in my cauldron.
And about Matt she knows I like him but she thinks he's str8 for the same reason she said before on the bus about the dating show.

 

Chip you do not know how hard I've tried to stop obsessing... every day I wake up I feel like hell because of the things I've done in the past about relationships. I beat myself up every day for it, but our past never dictates our future, for which I'm immensely grateful.
I have non dramatic friends; but very few.. my best friends Jenna and Brianna in my geometry class, and my friend Kaitlyn in my lunch. Kaitlyn always listens to me and never complains or yells at me like most people have. And she's such a sweet person on the inside and outside.

Chip I'm trying HARD to go to the college my mom went to--Centenary College--not just because she went there, but because they have a huge list of things I'd love to do. My main concerns are Philosophy, British Studies, and Creative Writing.
I'm even working on writing an autobiography too.

I'll try as hard as possible. But I've been obsessed for 4 years. Once you try to stop an addict, they only can change themselves. Thus I will work my ass off to take up Writing.. and spend time with Matt as a friend--as much as I want us to be more. And I know I'll be saying "What if he loved me" but I've got to work on myself...

 

I'm not obsessing.... with Matt I get that feeling but it's like butterflies.
And also I haven't seen him for 2 days. He could be sick or suspended or something. So I think since illness takes a week for the person to recover from the Sunday movie isn't happening
And I'm not very social about hanging out with people; Matt was the second one where I wanted to extend the offer, and he was the first to accept.

 

Today I didn't talk to her at all, but I almost did on the bus coming home...

---------- Post added 15th Nov 2011 at 04:17 PM ----------

I can't "do things I love and give me energy" because I'm not in college and my age... I want to study Creative Writing, Modern Philosophy, British Studies, Prelaw, and a Music concentration. Obsession may/may not make those things worse, but I'm going through the hell of the things I don't want to do in school (Take Chemistry, Geometry, Computers) and I'm doing it just to get to the Promised Land... college.
I don't know where the hell I'll be in 3 years but all I wish is that I'm still living, breathing, and can remember the hell I've went through.. my mom's abusive ex, my dad/him dying, my grandma dying 3 yrs ago, etc. (So I can tell people and so that I remember them for when I tell my children... it's like the show Unforgettable)

 

I talk to a ton of people in person about my life. Sometimes every day, every week if I can. I have a psychotherapist I talk to on Tuesdays--don't ask why--and I came out to him at the same time I did it in school and he accepts me. That's great, but every time I talk to someone I don't have the emotion or the release of feelings people feel when getting something off their chest. Probably because I've either done it for so long or because my mom's ex made me toughen up, thus showing no emotion.
I know how to handle most situations we--teens--go through except basically myself. I don't know how to handle myself daily. When I do something wrong--for instance sing off key, get an answer wrong when a teacher asks me a question, even say something weird to a friend and get a million negative looks--I beat myself up. Because I, like my father before me, am a perfectionist. Sometimes I hate this but sometimes I need it to move on in life.
I've tried to do all I can do with myself to hope I feel great daily, that everything in my day goes well. That no one talks shit in my face; that no teacher degrades me, and makes me small; that no man I'll ever love tells me he's str8, belittles me.
But unfortunately my life is the exact opposite of every single example.
Everything in my day never goes well. At least one to two things happen that will stay embedded in me for the rest of the day. The following one I'm better, but I hate myself for holding grudges.
I've had eleven men--scratch that, BOYS; men are the evolution of boys when we go out into the real world--reject me because they were str8 in my school.
I have 2 who I think are bi/questioning/closeted, and I'm so afraid to take a chance with them because I'm in fear of the rejection and hurt that comes post-obsession.

Eventually what I will do is literally write my autobiography, so I can convey my life to the world. My aunt suggested it to me while everything with my mom and her ex was going on, on probably the 24 April.
I've typed so much here that could go down in the memoirs bur that's for a different topic.

 

I know many people around the world have problems, not just me. We all go through life day by day making IMPORTANT decisions, and it obviously means when one defines important "my name isn't there".
Also I'm not self centered if that's what you imply. If I was self centered I'd show it.... always ranting about things that no one cares about, trying to get the attention of someone who stopped talking to me just to have someone to talk to, etc.
And obviously there's more to the world than teen love. Teen love compared to issues in the world is super small. Yet the Canadian scientist who discovered the cure for cancer died this year; he was nominated for this years Nobel Prize for some sort of science or medical type contribution.
3 days before he went to Stockholm to accept, he died.
So of course there are problems in the world, and of course we all know no one cares about me and the things I do. But I come here for support and help in my life, helpful words to turn my life around.
And I do care about many people other than myself. If I didn't, I'd have no family, no friends. And I'd be the discussion of dinner theater all evening.

---------- Post added 16th Nov 2011 at 01:39 AM ----------

By the way, speaking of organizations, I'm thinking of starting a GSA club at my high school since it seems there are no LGBT people in my school. It can help me meet new people and find out things about people I never knew.

 

I also thought about when you said I never care about others. Pertaining to people I meet I never talk too much at first but I talk about myself when my conversations about life, books, time, music, or other things get boring and when I have those awkward quiet moments between topics.
Also I always feel sorry for people when they tell me their story. My mom's abusive ex is an exception but besides him. My 8th grade Spanish teacher saw her friend get hit by a car when she was 6 years old. My current Geometry teacher is 63 and has had 2 heart attacks. The only rude thing about him is that he talks trash about everyone in our class; since he talked trash about my brown eyes I told him "These were given to me by God" but inside I said "Good I hope he has a third [heart attack]."
NOT that I wish bad things on people, however he gets mad over the littlest things. I had to see my guidance counselor one day and he had to sign my pass so I could go. He was right behind me checking my friend's homework and I raised my hand to ask him if he could sign it and he passed me. So I told my friend about it and he sees me talking to her; he asks me "Donald do we have a problem?"
I said "You have to sign my form so I can go to guidance but you're not acknowledging me" and he tells me "Well we don't need to discuss it."

Sorry it turned to a me story but still I just wanted to tell you. Even though you call me conceited, we can't walk through this world alone. So I come here, wanting someone to talk to besides just writing my feelings on paper and turning them into song lyrics. We all need someone to talk to.
And since you say I "never" listen to what another has to say, what's your story?

 

1) I do answer other people's threads. It's rare, but I do. I'm always glad to help someone by hearing their story. Also how does it seem like I never listen to people?
2) I do show empathy, but only where it's needed.
3) I care about other members here on EC, why say I don't?
4) Why put words in my mouth that I never said to you? I understand if one would quote another, but here you haven't.. like at least have prior knowledge on things. Like when you said I should answer people's threads here. I do. If you go to my "posts made by don29002" link you'd clearly see that I do.

And I'm not trying to be mean or rude--because I'm not rude or mean in person--but I'm just trying to convey thoughts. Why say I never care to listen to people's stories, offer empathy when one is in need of it? It might not SEEM like it, but please don't jump to conclusions and say I 'never' do or never have.
Also it may seem like I always and only care about myself, but I don't. I do take time to listen to people. I may sound dumb, inconsiderate, or another hurtful word to put here. Be that as it may. Even if I am dumb, inconsiderate, rude, hateful, a kiss up, or something else, I'm human and it's human nature that I do the things I do.
Pardon me for saying this but I make mistakes. I fuck up. I may beat myself up for it--sometimes constantly--but at least I acknowledge I make them, and I grow from them in all aspects: mentally and emotionally.
Also I won't post anymore about people I like since it's not important to anyone else here. Seems that if I do a flash mob here in New Jersey will be out at my doorstep questioning me like the police.

Donald

 

Chip of course I know posting 49999999 topics was stupid. But I responded to them for one day and I get a flash mob trying to kill me?
And I'm not aggressive in my 'posting style' I state points. I don't know why I'm stupid for using my constitutional right to have an opinion...
And I never started drama, and if that's what I "did" because "all I ever do is start drama in the 8 billion posts I've created" then sure, that's an opinion. I won't argue with that. Call me stupid, fucked up, infatuated, and defenseless--because obviously all this is true--but don't call me a drama starter, because I'm not one.
Before I delete this since no one cares about me here, let me say that I posted a coming out question that I want advice on, and it's not one of those "oh here we go again" posts that I'm hated for.