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withdrawing now that i have accepted. need advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by insidehappy, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    i have been single for years. partly because i wanted to avoid dealing with sexuality. by not dealing with it, i kept myself in a safe bubble where i did not have to accept same sex attractions. i'm passed that. i self accept now but im' not really out to others. a few close people know and that's it. i have made a few gay friends as well adn they know. of course i have been to some gay places too so whoever saw me there may know or suspect.

    however, i am noticing something. as i have become more clear and accepted the same sex attractions. i have also started to withdraw more. going to straight events, parties, clubs used to be fun, but now it's boring for me. i have also noticed my "gaydar" has improved and i now see a world of looks, stares, and attention in these places that i never noticed before or understood. when i first started noticing this stuff, i would act on it and try and make friends with the people or try and see if things could lead anywhere. however, they never really did. i was subconsciouly seemingly attracted other guys that were confused as well and whenever i would approach or try adn see what was going on, they would back off even if they were the ones that were staring at me. now i just pretend as though i do not see these things. i stopped putting energy into figuring if a guy is gay/bi/or interestd in me or not.

    i find myself totally withdrawing. i still do things i like to do musuems, gym events, etc. but mostly i do this solo. going to gay clubs was fun for a minute but that also got boring and old. i have noticed that inside i am more certain of what i am and am not attracted to gender wise. with that acceptance it actually helps me better to see people that are also gay/bi in everyday life (non-clubs). they seem to stand out more than before ever before. however, they're kinda off limits. it never works out with them when they are not at a gay place.

    i guess i'm rambling. has anyone else felt this withdrawal feeling after they accepted. i just feel alone. i feel like i have no energy in trying to meet anyone anymore. i want to meet someone but i dont want to go to gay clubs and stuff. i dont feel comfortable or really want to join gay associations either. id really like to just be me and meet someone in my everyday life. but i guess the reality sinks in that it want happen that way and i have to go to gay designated places and groups to meet them. its not that i have anything against these places. i just dont really want to be out like that. i just want to be me and still like me and not part of a "movement".

    it's hard to explain i guess. but i feel like the candle has burned out inside of me. is this normal after acceptance?
     
  2. Jim1454

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    I think it's normal to need to find a 'new normal' after you've come out to yourself. I don't think you're going through anything that is entirely unique.

    You're painting yourself into a bit of a corner though if you don't want to attend gay themed events or go to gay clubs - and you're not willing to be 'out' with friends, family and coworkers. THOSE are the people who could be introducing you to other gay guys who share the same interests as you. If you're not willing to be 'out' to those people, and you're not willing to attend gay social events, then I'm not sure how you would expect to actually meet someone.

    If you're out in the mall, and a guy is giving you 'the look', it's more likely that he wants a quickie than to be friends with you. So meeting someone that way isn't likely going to work. Not to say that you couldn't meet people when you're out. Perhaps the barrista at Starbucks is cute, and you have a bit of banter with him when you're in. If you've met someone and you have an inkling that they're gay, you might want to foster that relationship and make it clear that you're gay - so that they're comfortable opening up to you as well.

    I don't consider myself to be part of a 'movement' at all. I'm Jim. I'm gay. I'm pretty open about it (now). I have a husband. I also have an ex wife. 2 kids. A golden retriever. I'm an accountant. My friends, family and coworkers know that I'm gay. When I'm out with my husband - in the grocery store, shopping for furniture, out to dinner - I'm pretty sure people know we're gay. But I'm not with him to make any kind of statement. I'm with him because he's my partner, my spouse, I love him, and you spend time with your spouse.

    Just give yourself time.

    One thing I did when I was first coming out was I put an ad up on a free online classified site and posted in the 'strictly platonic' section - stating what my situation was, and whether there were any other guys out there in the same situation who wanted to grab a coffee or a beer. I had several respond, and they were all really nice guys who simply wanted to help me out by talking about stuff. One of them I had lunch with a couple of times. Another one became a good friend - he attended my wedding this past summer- 4 years after we had first met. Others I just talked to online for a bit. But it still helped me to feel more 'connected' to people who could relate to me. Because while you've accepted yourself, you're still quite alone and isolated probably. That's probably what's up.
     
  3. silverhalo

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    I think I experienced a little of this but not to the same extreme you have.

    The way I can explain it is that whilst you are closeted chances are you are never going to meet anyone, you struggle and struggle to come to terms with everything internally, you manage to do that and build yourself up for ages to be able tell a few close people once you have done that you get an immediate euphoria that you are out to someone finally its not a dark secret you hide within, but then a while afterwards it becomes an anti climax, ok so now im kind of out what am I supposed to do? It can be a daunting task finding a partner straight or gay. I think often for people that have struggled for quite a while to accept it or to come out then want to immediately find a partner and since coming out was their one high priority goal and that is now complete they substitute that for finding a partner. The problem with that is that the more intensely you look for a partner often the more frustrated you get and the more frustrated you get often means you send out the wrong vibes.

    I think rather than focusing on finding a partner you should focus on relighting the flame within you, so just for a while forget about finding a partner and go out and have fun, perhaps you can find a group (not necessarily a LGBT group) that do museum tours or something that you enjoy and just start enjoying being in the company of others. Put no pressure on yourself to find a partner. Then when you least expect it you never know what might happen.

    I know you said you dont want to go to an LGBT group but I think it could help, you can pick and choose which things you want to join in with, I agree its difficult to just stumble across a partner walking down the street, you might not meet your perfect partner at the group but the more gay people you meet the more likely it is.
    Also if you are intent on finding a partner but dont want to be too out you could try internet dating, I know there are a lot of people who are only looking for random hookups but there are genuine guys and girls out there too.
     
  4. malachite

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    accepting your gay has kind of a break from the way things were before. You start view things a little different now that you're not hiding all the time.

    It's basically an adjustment period.
     
  5. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    thanks all. i appreciate it. it's not that i do not want to go to gay clubs. i have gone and they are cool. its just that i'm older and it tends to be a younger crowd at these places. that's fine but i'm just kinda clubbed out by my mid 30s. lol. well gay clubs are newer to me but still gay or straight, a club is a club and they aren't all that fun for me anymore.

    as far as the lgbt stuff, i will have to look in my local area for some that seem to match my interests and demographic. i have gone to a few lgbt events i didn't really connect there with teh people for some reason.

    i think you're right, i will continue to do activities i enjoy. i do not know if they have to be "gay" related because I think gay people are everywhere. however, you are of course right..it's way easier to know who is gay if thye are at gay events. lol.

    another layer to this is that i'm black and many of the clubs, and major gay district in my area are white. i do not have a problem with whites at all. i think they're great. we're all human so who cares. but culturally, there are some differences in music taste, upbringing, church, humor, clothing styles, etc. doesnt' mean you can't make cross cultural friends because i have, it's just that we all have our preferences so i'ts just been a bit more challenging to meet others that i have a cultural commonality with. but i'm open to all.

    yes, you all are right. meeting someone on teh street can be more of a hookup kinda thing. however, i still think i may be naive but i mean, if there are people that are relationship oriented out there, i think you can meet them anywhere and it doesn't have to be hookup oriented.

    as far as being out to friends, i guess some of them would know other gay guys. i'm not sure though. i think many guys in teh black cutlure that are gay and masculine dont really go around letting a lot of people know though, so the ones that my friends may know may be more toward the effeminate side of the spectrum which there's nothign wrong with it, but not someone that i would be interested in dating at this time.

    i guess now that i have accepted it myself. there's almost just kind of a quietness inside of me. its like "ok" this is what it is.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think you sound like you are open to new ideas so im sure you will work it out. I would just say about this bit above your friends may only know effeminate gays which you are not necessarily interested in which is fine but you may still find support and friendship in them, also those effeminate gays may know some masculine gays which you might just like.
     
  7. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    thanks silverhalo. this could quite possibly be true. they may know some people. i used to be angry bitter and lashed out a lot. now i have transitioned into more of a still watered pond and solemness about it. its kinda like "it is what it is". i think i have accepted it within myself. but you are right. right now i just put it out there that i'm open to hang and be friends with people. if they hit me back and call or take me up on it. cool. if they dont. cool. i think im still a ways from coming out to others in full force. but just self acceptance has been a big deal. is being somewhat empty after self acceptance normal?
     
  8. silverhalo

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    I think it can be depending on your situation. Rather than feeling empty for me I would have described it as after I had kind of accepted that I was gay and summoned up the courage to come out to a few people I guess I expected to think 'yay there I have done it' instead I felt more like 'well ive managed that and that was a massive struggle but there is still a long way to go', was it all worth it, and it definately was but its a tough journey you just have to keep fighting until you get to a place where you are happy.